I have some bad news. You are not the perfect guy. You can’t get any woman you want. NO ONE can. Sure the best Pick up artists out there are so good that they can manipulate a large percentage of women into falling for them temporarily. Why only Five for Five? Because even if Mystery achieves his elusive goal there will be a woman who will quickly step up that he can’t seduce. The idea you can have any woman you want is an illusion. Sorry to burst your bubble, you might just have to stop looking for that perfect seduction method or technique.
Maybe the first thing you need to do is write off that girl who put you in the friend zone. You can’t have her; she already let you know that. SHE put you in to the friend zone, it is pretty clear you aren’t going to change her mind. I mean come on really, how long have you been pining over her?
More often than I like to admit I get emails asking me how to get a certain girl that a guy has been wanting for a long time. I do my spiel on making sure you put the interaction on the line, call her sexy (SOI her) and start using sexual barriers. Technically if you could lose your agenda to have her, and stop putting her so high on a pedestal, yes that is how you would get out of the friend zone. I’ve yet to hear it work for any of my clients. Not because it isn’t possible to get out of the friend zone, it is because they can’t lose their agenda and see her as a normal human being. It is a case of oneitis. I see great guys who are very smooth with women do the stupidest things around their oneitis. The community advice is go fuck ten other women. This might be a spot where I agree with their crude but sound advice.
The fact is some women aren’t going to fall in love with you. Live with that. It doesn’t mean you aren’t desirable or an attractive person. It means you didn’t fit her qualifications. Get over it.
So now I’ve just belittled your undying love for this woman and you are left hoping I’m wrong. I’ve dashed your fantasy of having any woman you want, and you probably doubt your ability to get ANY woman at all. Sorry I didn’t mean to do that. So what next?
What is left is to start being happy with whom you are. Take a month off the community, don’t hang out with that “friend” your pining over and in fact maybe don’t date for a month. Call up every guy friend you have (outside the community) and hang out with them. What, you don’t have any? Well this is your month to make them. Enroll in some new classes in whatever you might like. Hell, do things you don’t know if you like and have never tried. Go to the gym regularly. This is the month to get you happy with yourself. One of the reasons women don’t like you is you don’t really even like yourself. Don’t even think of staying in and having a pity party. Have fun without women, period.
At the end of your month, return to the dating scene with a vengeance; get out there and start dating anyone. Just start dating. However don’t drop the new friends you’ve made and new hobbies you’ve started. Be passionate about life and make dating only ONE part of it. Don’t get caught up with one woman, there are too many out there. Hey, and if you haven’t noticed since after your month off, you are a lot more attractive to all of them.
If you can forget about the girl who put you in the friend zone, and stop pining over her, she might just change her mind about you. Don’t count on it, don’t try for it; instead if she comments on all the women you are dating your reply should be “don’t be jealous, you had your chance.” And mean it! She was the one who put you in the friend zone, now it is your turn to put her there and make her wonder why you don’t want her anymore. You can’t fake this; you actually have to move on. It might help to think of all the things you don’t like about her and stop thinking she is a perfect angel. Knock her off your pedestal in your mind. You can do better than her and you should go out and get that.
Once you’ve had women more beautiful and more fun than her, maybe when you are single again, she will finally be obtainable again. Only because you know you have choice and confidence.
So my answer to the friend zone is give up on her. She really isn’t worth this much mental and emotional energy. There are other better women out there. I know, I pass on amazing women in lots of cities all the time. I don’t do long distance no matter how wonderful a woman is. No matter how many times I have found the perfect woman, I always seem to find more of them. I look back at those perfect women of my AFC days and realize I have dated and dumped women better than that. You will find better too.
Sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear, but it is what you need to hear. Stop keeping your balls in a box on the shelf when it comes to that “friend” and move on.
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14 comments:
Hey Dan!
Thanks for the post! I used to have one-itis and I still do but only now, I am able to get rid of it quicker.
I have a question and this is out of context, but you said that you dumped a lot of amazing women. i believe that we must leave them better than we first got them.
how do you break-up with women without hurting them too much?
I know this sounds like i'm asking for a bad advice but to be honest, i want to learn this in case she puts me on a pedestestal and expects a lot from me.
Thanks.
- Revmark
Hey Dan,
Being a heavy one-itis lover, i hope this blog is not all true :-s)
Maybe a stupid question, but what does "putting the interaction on the line" mean to you? I know it has something to do with taking risks, but i don't understand it "practically"...
Thanks so much, you rock and you know it,
Pieter
Thanks for the post. I put an interaction or two on the line in the past and I have no regrets. One I converted from friend to more. But it didn't last. Still no regrets there. Definitely glad I did it.
On the part about me not meeting the qualifications of some women (I can't get every single woman): I apply the following reframe: "One of my standards for a girlfriend is that she must be into me as much as I am into her" With that reframe, it's her not meeting my standards.. Sort of semantical. But it works well for me. I forgot who's quote that is originally
Dan, what are you talking about? I do NOT have oneitsis. She IS the greatest girl in the world, there should be a new category for her, she is... "beyond girl".
LOL, I kid. No I'm happy with friends, the oppourtunity window has close-ed, and she is more valuable as a friend.
So answer my questions godamnit, I talk to other women, but it is much harder if I don't live with them!
New courses starting soon, new windows of opportunity, I need the dope.
Dan,
It's amazing, it's almost like your reading my mind. You always make a post that speaks to exactly what I'm experiencing.
I had to let go of a girl who put me in the friendzone not an hour before I read this. Thank you so much for posting this!
I think getting away from the community/dating/women is just what I need (for a month at least). I look forward to just going out, having fun and enjoying my life.
And again, Happy Birthday!
I've decided an example may help.
Riverisland the Sales, daytime (not busy), I'm browsing shirts when a attractive blonde store clerk enters my feild of vision.
"so what the nmaddest thing which has happened during the Sales?"
HB: well yesterday we had a gang of eight year old boys come in and want to try on everything in extra small (its adult clothes).
Me: no way!
me: can't think how I can lever this to the personal, so goes into my model answer:
I was in Next waiting for my Mum, I looked up and my Mum is looking at this turquoise top, and this other woman snatches it off her - I was like 'holy shit', my Mum just stood there shocked.
So I went round there and snatched it back of her.
It's a good job my sister didn't see it, or she would have given the woman a smack.
hb: hmmm!
me: has nothing to say, because I haven't taken it to the personal.
hb: resumes her job.
So there you go, I got something out of her, but just an answer to my question, not something which can really merit my interest (OMG, that's briliant, I've got to get to know you better). It gets weird if I plough with general non-personal questions, so I have to end the conversation.
What was I supposed to do? I need something practical or I may as well resume propositioning women directly, which is 1 in ten success rate if she beleives no one can overhear. i.e. not any sort of choice.
Rooting for you
Goose.
Goose,
Conversation is an art form so by no means is this an answer. It's more an alternative direction you could've taken it. Keep having these little interactions and you'll be able to navigate to personal then to sexual with ease.
HB: well yesterday we had a gang of eight year old boys come in and want to try on everything in extra small (its adult clothes).
Goose: That's so funny. Did you have to be the security guard and kick them out?
HB: something else
Goose: I can't believe 8 year olds have gangs now. When i was 8, my mum wouldn't have let me join a gang. She was pretty protective, but i didn't really have a rebelous streak at 8. That didn't come until later. What were you like as a kid?
So she gives you something totally not personal (3rd person perspective, even worse). So you ask what she did, getting a little bit more personal. you talk about who you are as a person... really open up.. Then ask a big open ended question to get her committed.
davich
Thanks Davich. Yeah I was re-reading 'get her talking in I' newsletter, and realised I'd failed there. Guess this is my SP, improving my powers of 'taking an interest' and drilling down to the personal. I didn't see any of those hooks, you've pointed out, need to be more... better. Thanks very much indeed.
kisses
G.
SHH in J’s book he says to go to the library and learn a little about:
Travel
Relationships
Art, including photography
Live events, such as concerts and theatre
Books
Fitness, especially running
Pets
Can you make any specific source recommendations?
I have taken a modern art appreciation course and a figure drawing class, but neither gives me a great deal to say generally on art – is there a book I can read?
What should I know about Pets? Cats/Dogs: their breeds, breed personalities and the purpose of their breed maybe? What?
Concerts and theatre I guess I should cultivate an interest in right? Like just go occasionally? I do go very occasionally to the theatre, like twice a year, but I never really have anything particularly intelligent to say – it’s either I liked it or it was bloody awful. So I still need to know something *about* theatre. Where can I learn this?
What do I need to know about ‘books’? Specifically? Or relationships? Or travel? Where exactly can I find it?
In your experience where do all the hot brainy girl’s go on holiday?
OK this is a two part question, second part:
J. suggests educating yourself in these so you can talk about hot girl activities, but I notice in the book he actually does some of these things, he talks about doing a marathon and doodling, and uses these to explicitly state commonality with the girl (he slips in ‘we share a bond’, slightly reminiscent of the IC pattern). So is there any activity or activities you or other JM instructors have done, which has become a common piece of your conversational repertoire with girls, or often gets you commonality with them?
xxx
Goose.
Personally if a woman were to read up on stuff i knew about to hold a conversation with me, yet after a bit realized she just had a superficial knowledge of it, that does nothing for me. In fact i would realize she didn't actually know anything about that and would dislike her more for being fake.
Educating yourself is something you should do for you.
Besides It's not the subject that makes conversation interesting, it is how you talk about what you do know.
Remember to speak about anything with the I perspective, Details, Emotions. That will allow you to be relateable. Then relate to whatever she says in the same way relating either to the thing, experience, or better yet the emotion she is talking about.
It's not what you talk about, its how you talk about it.
You are unusual Dan, I have listened to plenty of women do I-perspective on football - they have gone to a match, in order to place themselves above their competitors - they are able to take some interest in man's interests.
And it works, men appreciate someone who it is easy to talk to, I think.
I see no reason why the majority of women should be any different. I think you just spurn it cos' it sound like I'm trying to manipulate them to an end, (commonalities = oxytocin release, i.e. chemistry).
But really why you learn stuff, does not lessen that you benefit from learning stuff. And I want to get my focus for my improvement optimal. So if you change your mind, I'm all ears.
Hey learning about all new stuff is great, don't let me stop you. But do it for you not for women.
I just see it as time and energy expenditure. I can try to learn about lots of new subjects or I can learn to talk about the ones i already know in a more effective way. The latter will give me more to talk about.
I'm just lazy, i'd rather do the least possible amount of work.
Go check out the post on Be Relateable to see what i mean by talking this way.
If you want subjects these are the ones I seem to use:
Travel, Passion, Sex, Relationships, Fashion
Good Luck.
Last night, I was told I will only be a friend ever. We are kinda close (according to her) and she started crying like crazy when I told her I don't think we should be friends either. Its not really about getting back at her. Its a self-preservation move. She said she wants to meet up to talk it out and I'm in the mindset that I should just walk away completely.
Am I doing the right thing by completely walking away from a 6 year friendship?
Not a PUA - Just an AFC with some oneitis.
If you enjoy her friendship than why would you throw it away? I do agree you shouldn't be her friend if you can't move past wanting something with her.
Why not stay friends with her but force yourself to start dating other women? The only way you can get her is move past her. Either do it as her friend or not. I'd rather not lose a good friend.
Also in the future please post over at www.charismatips.com as few people have access to this post.
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