Recently on a phone consult and this last seminar I did, the topic of how you relate your emotions came up. I clarified some things for people and it seemed to help.
When you are relating you are either relating to a thing, fact, topic, or emotion. Maybe even other things. All are fine. I personally like to relate to the emotion. What is important is you relate with the “I” perspective and you speak about how you feel.
If you relate on topics with information on similar topics it can only work if you have similar emotions about those topics. To use Matt’s example if you both talk about skiing, and she enjoys the adrenaline of it and you just enjoy pushing little kids down the bunny slope, you really have nothing in common. So that is the danger in relating on topics, facts, or things, with the same. If your lucky, when you talk about a topic and you connect, it is actually the emotions surrounding that thing or topic that you both have in common that creates the bond between you. So just skip the middleman and talk about the way things make you feel.
To do that I’ve broken it down to a simple system; this is a very restrictive way of thinking about it but can start you off. You should abandon this as soon as you understand it.
--Ask an open ended question and vacuum.
------------If you get a good answer, continue. If not ask the two magic questions:
---------------------How did that feel? Or What was that like?
--Say, “I like that”, and explain why you like that.
--Then say, “I can relate to that” and:
-----Option One: Tell the first story that comes to mind that explains a situation where you felt a similar emotion to her emotion and explain how that situation made you feel that way. Then also explain how that situation made you feel at least two other emotions and how it did that.
-----Option Two: Tell the first story that comes to mind where that topic, fact, or thing, was involved in your story and explain how that topic, fact, or thing, made you feel three different emotions and how it did that.
--Then either she will say something and relate to you, or you should ask another open-ended question and repeat the same cycle.
That is the classic method: getting commitment, reward, relate, and repeat.
You don’t have to just relate to her emotions (although I find it more effective), you just have to relate using YOUR emotions because it allows her to relate to you better. Remember if you are having trouble talking with emotions, NAME your emotion that you felt and explain how the situation made you feel that way with lots of details, so she can understand and relate to you. Details such as colors, sounds, textures, just like in a good piece of writing, allows her to put herself in your shoes and experience what you are relating much better.
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9 comments:
I've been reading your blog for a while - great insight...
This may be a topic you've already touched on that I previously overlooked; When it comes to relate/reward, you emphasize that the goal behind the interaction is to actually convey that you have shared emotions, more so than the actual experiences, which are actually just logistics. But is it necessary that these are always positive emotions? I mean, could you do the same thing and maybe vent about work or gripe about something (in a lighthearted manner of course) and relate to the girl in the same effective manner?
Pure platina, Dan! Thank you so much! This is a post i'll STUDY till my head hurts :-)
Willy
"Option Two: Tell the first story that comes to mind where that topic, fact, or thing, was involved in your story and explain how that topic, fact, or thing, made you feel three *different* emotions and how it did that."
...Can you include the emotion she felt, or do they have to be three other emotions than the one she mentioned? (or would that be too much like "I felt exactly that too!!!" to her, and thus approvalseeking?)
Thanks, and see you one day,
Willy
I have found that telling myself "identify their emotions" isn't enough. My mindset is:
"Listen as they speak, put myself in their shoes, and decipher what they're trying to tell me about themselves. He's telling me a story because he wants me to think he's cool... how do I let him know that I was listening and that I do think he's cool?"
In the end this is just two different names for the same thing because I still arrive at some emotion or experience I relate to personally. But I find this method, of giving myself a question to ask, to be very useful.
You can relate on negative emotions yes, however no one wants to talk to debbie downer. After you relate to their negative, place a positive spin on it.
Including how you felt the same way as her is great as long as you include other emotions.
The idea behind this post is this is a set of training wheels. It should be abandoned as soon as you can relate naturally.
Just learn to talk about emotions and relate to her emotions with yours, bingo thats all there is to relating.
Thanks dude ;)
Willy
Hi Dan,
This is Tim from the Aug. 4-6 NYC bootcamp. I love this post! I've been thinking a lot about relating as well. I definitely agree that relating emotionally is more powerful than relating by topic or fact. However, one thing I've noticed is it can be very effective to relate by emotion + a general topic or class of experience. So, to zoom out to the general level of topic and then relate by emotion and zoom back in to your specific experience. What I mean is, you may not have the same favorite movie as her, but your emotional experience watching your favorite movie is probably pretty similar.
I think people get weirded out by relating to emotions because it seems weird to completely change topics with only the emotion as the relateable link. ("I can appreciate that art makes you happy because I too have experienced happiness in the form of internet pornography...") It can definitely work, especially with more specific emotions (i.e.: 'things you're passionate about'; or 'a time when you were really scared as a kid') but it can seem more natural to relate with an emotion and a general topic.
For example, you may not have been to Italy and enjoyed the cuisine there, but you've probably travelled somewhere and enjoyed a meal you got. "I really like that you appreciate the food that you got in Italy because I'm the exact same way when I travel. I can relate to that. I've never been to Europe, but when I do travel one of my favorite things is discovering great places to eat. Like when I used to go to Boston over the summers I loved going to Quincy Market and eating New England Clam chowder out in the courtyard and watching the street performers ...." And on to more relatable emotions.
So here I've taken the emotion of enjoying the food in Italy, zoomed out to a general class of emotional experience, "travelling somewhere new and enjoying the food that place has to offer," and zoomed back in to a specific experience I had enjoying seafood in Boston.
Hope that's on the right track. I guess what I'm talking about is relating to an 'emotional experience' rather than a raw emotion. I think this is more specific, anyway. Being happy to come home and see your dog is a different kind of happiness than the hapiness of getting the job that you really wanted. One is the happiness of seeing a pet that you love, the other is the excitement and relief of achieving something you were working for. So for the first you could relate about a pet that you loved, even if it's not a dog, and for the second you could relate with a job you got, or getting into a school that you wanted to go to or something similar.
Anyway, I'm just writing all this to explicitly articulate some things I think are implied by what you've already said, not to attempt to 'improve' or contradict anything. Thanks for the insights!
--Tim
You nailed it Tim.. Great understanding of it! As long as you create an emotional connection it doesn't matter how you are relating. It is really what is most effective for you.
I've found that quite a lot i contrast emotions on similar experiences. She might say she likes horror films and it gives her an adrenalin rush. I would say that i'm really bad with horror films. I always get scared because i care about the characters too much and then after i finish watching one, I swear to myself that i'll never watch one again, only to find a couple of months later all my friends convince me to go see a new one that they say is different. And she'd be all like 'no way! did you see saw? that was a rush', and i'd say 'Yeah, it was a rush. I almost had a heart attack. I thought the guy next to me at the cinema would have to give me mouth-to-mouth, and he hadn't even shared his popcorn with me. Most guys at least buy me dinner first"
This is probably a bad example, but i find i do this naturally all the time. It works for me.
davich
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