Many men in our society have no clue about their own emotions. We have been brought up not to talk about them and not to show them. So basically we must re-wire our brains to speak emotionally and to relate using emotions.
The first step is re-indexing your entire life story. Mostly we index our stories and memories based on things and events, not emotions. So when you try to think back to a story where you felt a certain emotion you don't have an indexing system. So it's time to re-index your brain.
Take a moment and write down every emotion you can think about. At first only write down positive emotions. Small list huh? Well get researching. How many more emotions can you come up with. Have a goal to write down at LEAST 10.
Now that you have done that go back and next to every emotion think about your life and the stories in your life about YOU. Write down a headline that hooks the story. Next to each of those emotions try to have at least 1 story that demonstrates that emotion.
What you have now done is re-indexed your brain to recall stories every time you identify an emotion.
As soon as she tells you something, figure out what emotion she is giving you. If this is difficult, role-play with a friend telling stories or statements. Once they are done repeat what emotion they were giving you and have them tell you whether you are close or not.
Now you are ready to relate. When she gives you an emotion you then say "I can relate to that. One time [insert headline]. [Tell story that relates to her emotion].
Just remember to describe your story using as much detail about how you felt at the time. Don't sit down and pre-plan your stories. If you have to, take one story and write it down and re-write it adding as much detail about emotions that you felt, then polish it up. After doing that to one you will understand and be able to tell all your stories like that without pre-planning.
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13 comments:
Great post, SHH. I’ve always had issues with this.
Oftentimes, I find it much easier to see it as relating to the last thing she said with emotion, instead of identifying the emotion behind it and then relating to the emotion itself. It just makes me think a lot less. I would simply relate to the last thing said using my own personal experiences/thoughts and describe them with emotion and detail. It is about how I feel about it and in describing it, it conveys my personality. I don't talk specifically about the thing itself, but am using them as stepping stones for the interaction. It was covered this way in Juggler's Book. It's on page 138:
"You don't really talk about things. Rather you talk about your experience with things. Shows or travel or spaghetti may be the topic but you are always the subject. That narrows down your responses to your own experience. Then you talk about your experience in a manner that is as low level (feelings, sensations, actions) as possible. That makes it easy for women to relate to you. Of course there is more to it that is impossible to put into print but that is the basics.”
It works best for me when I think of relating as another way to reward. When you are rewarding, you are giving back the same level of commitment and info back to her, creating a 50/50 exchange, just like how you wrote in your post about the equal interaction exchange. The same applies to relating. When you relate, you are giving back your feelings/emotions that she has given you while putting your own spin to it, fulfilling the equal interaction exchange. When someone mentions to me she loves skydiving, I’ll respond with how I feel about my lack of experience with skydiving (since I’ve never gone and would love to) and probably add an assumption of how uncomfortable it must feel to open my mouth wide while crushing winds expand my cheeks.
But the question remains…is this way somehow outdated or is it basically the same thing? You guys seem to have it all in relating to her emotions now instead of just talking about the last thing being said. While I know it would be very effective to focus more on the raw emotions over things, this process really makes me think a lot and gets me inside my head, since I’m too busy finding her emotion--and next thing I know, I’ve missed what she just said. Practice is the key I’d assume, but I oftentimes find that even when I practice with someone, I end up just talking about how I honestly feel at the moment when I am talking, and it always just becomes something like: “I’m just really nervous right now” or “I’m feeling really good talking to you”, which I know are extremely lame. -NL
The last thing she says is fine to relate to as long as it is the emotion behind it your relating to.
She says:
Oh i just went skydiving and it was so fun. But i hated the long ride home.
You can really relate to either road trips or sky diving. Those are things. But when you relate just be sure to relate to the emotions surrounding those things.
It sounds like you are on the right track. You aren't relating to things, your relating to the emotions you and her have about those things.
The more you are cued into how SHE is feeling about those things and relating to that, the more connection you will create. If you relate on how you would feel about those things there is less connection created. Of course we are talking degrees of effectiveness. Both are very effective. The goal is just for her to understand your emotions and for her to know you understand her emotions. Do that in whatever way is most effective for you.
The last part about practicing. Definetly important. Do it with everyone you meet. And those statements aren't lame as long as you are confident and proud of what you are saying.
"you know, i get really nervous sometimes talking with you. You are a very beautiful woman. I can only imagine how lame it is though that people act so differently around you just based on your looks, when you are just trying to be yourself and have a normal conversation."
You are sharing your emotions as well as empathizing with hers. You are NOT saying you are letting your nerves affect you though. You are being proud of being nervous but still being yourself.
Thank You. =)
And that smiley wasn't just reserved for the computer. It really appeared on my face when I read your reply.
I recently discovered your blog, and I simply must congratulate you for the great job you have been doing explaining the Juggler Method. When I begun to read his posts, I always had the feeling they were somewhat "abstract", in the sense I couldn't relate (ironically) easily with something concrete in my experience, but your explanations has been filling the gaps. Please keep doing this great job...
Could I suggest as themes for your blog explanations about how to reach the required vibing and body language to use JM? I'm practicing doing approaches and beginning conversations, but I suspect these elements are really important, and I want to be congruent and use JM method properly...
regards
lol, this is precisely what my Italian flatmate does when we converse, he has sometimes explicitly queried the emotion from my story, then reassured, gone and added his own similar emotion story.
Emotion stories (when that's the only point of them, to get to the emotion) are best suited to relating, they won't capture interest, I was interrupted by one girl saying 'I'm not really interested in x', when x wasn't the point, the point was the topic was a vechicle for final emotion.
Anyway.
Similarities to NLP teachings here.
How long can you and your fellow instructors stay in set? I wonder at this cos' as I understand it the JM mo, is to connect, SOI and get a number, I think you can probably only keep up this connecting stuff for a small time. That's my experience with the flatmate.
Juggler had a sample surfing story in one of his blog entries, the emtional profile is: exulatation (he stands and waves to crowd) then he takes the sucker punch (wave pounds him).
At this point, having been surfing, I could take it two ways, I can relate literally to what his doing, and perhaps expand on it, by talking about my surfing experiences.
Or I could relate to the underlying emotion, and go off on a tanget. I have a story about installing a new DVD drive into my computer which follows exactly the same emotional plot. (but has no hooks)
Is this really wise? Will it actually give me a higher quality conversation (and so connection) to be relating to the underlying emotion rather than trying to grow the conversation along more conventional lines from the last thing she said?
Also most people are predomiately negative expressive, so if her story is taking her to a glum place, perhaps a story of dissappointment, then I'd assume relating to that would deepen rappor at the expense of a close? How would you get it back to a more productive direction?
On the other hand often times I feel the positivity thing creates frauds. I hear other people do it and have done it myself: when you desperately try and frame negative experiences as somehow positive (to see the bright side), too often it sounds fake and telegraphing 'please like me, I desperately need you to like me'.
How many of your 10 emotions are 'positive'. It is necessary to discard the bad ones right?
I understand PU101 teaches expressing negative emotions in deep rapport stories - that your willing to share such things deepens rappor, demonstrating you are a full person.
[for instance sorrow of loved pet passing]
Where do you stand on this?
What ratio of positive to negative do you try for in these 10 emotions?
How long till the seminars released?
Goose_
Dan, have YOU done this yourself at any point? (re: indexing emotions)
A vibe blog post.. You got it.. Give me a week or so since i have a couple other topics to do first. Thanks for reading!
"Emotion stories (when that's the only point of them, to get to the emotion) are best suited to relating, they won't capture interest"
I think perhaps I haven't been clear enough on that point then. I'm sorry i didn't explain this better. I don't tell a story just to show I have the same emotions. I use emotive language in everything i speak about because that is what makes it more interesting. When I relate using that same emotive language and show her I can relate to her on an emotional level that in fact is the very basis which I use to make it an interesting conversation.
Women consistantly watch 2 hour plus movies strictly about emotions and drama, they find it EXTREMELY interesting. Books and movies have to use details and images that evoke emotions just so you will stay interested. To like someone in a movie or book the author/director has to have them show emotions so you can connect with them. We laugh at bad guys when a car falls on them killing them because we weren't emotionally invested in their charachter.
I've never heard anyone tell a story about their emotions that was boring unless their story was only naming emotions and wasn't actually relating how and why they felt that way.
Of course this is a major part of the method there must be other elements as well such as flirting and fun playfull banter, and escalation. In the daytime though an interaction just going through relate and reward rapport could go on forever because it is such an interesting way to communicate with someone. But even here Escalation has to occur in the appropriate way.
It would be good if you got Wayn'es Ebook, it will explain how that fits into a whole interaction better.
As for us instructors I won't comment on myself but I usually see women addicted to talking to the other instructors and are often hard to shake because they are enjoying the interaction so much. Guys also.
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Relating on emotions is definetly better than relating to things. However remember things, experiences, and details, tend to elicit emotions from people. So you can vaguely talk about things so long as it is the emotion surrounding those things.
If your DVD story truly relates the same or simmilar emotion in the same degree then it will work. However if someone tells you their surfing story with a lot of emotion, and you relate it to your DVD experience and you felt simmilarly but not as intensely, the equal interaction exchange of energy is off and it won't make sense:
Her: It was amazing that sense of accomplishment as i jumped up on the board and was gliding along the water. The wind blowing in my face and all my friends behind me excitedly screaming.
You: I know what you mean, I felt like that when i got my new DVD to work. Then i felt such a great sense of accomplishment i treated myself to an 8 hour movie marathon..
Didn't quite work did it? However answered like this:
You: I know what you mean, I learned to rollerblade the other day. I fell on my ass so many times, but then finally i started getting the hang of it and was gliding along the river path with almost no effort at all. It felt so good, even though my ass was all sore and bruised to finally be up and moving along without as much effort.
Or even something completely unrelated:
You: I can totally relate to that feeling of accomplishment. I have been taking cooking classes for weeks now. It has been so frustrating because i could barely make myself scrambled eggs i am such a bad cook. The smell of burnt food was in my clothes for weeks. But just the other day after the third flat cheese cake i finally got a good one to come out. My teacher came over and said it was one of the best in the class. I was so proud of myself.
As for negative emotions i avoid relating them unless after i relate them i can spin them back to positive or a learning experience or something. That i do quite frequently. So for most clients i suggest they keep it positive because it is more fun. Misery only loves company when it can be made to feel less miserable.
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No Idea on the DVD release.
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Quicksand,
I do that every time i have to think of a story. All the stories i think about that aren't that emotion i remember i keep in the back of my head as a story with a different emotion ready for access when appropriate.
Thanks everyone for reading and posting such great comments!!
"Didn't quite work did it? However answered like this"
Allow me to check if I understand well the idea behind your example above:
Simply NAMING the emotion that you supposedly felt doesn't convey the emotion.
Instead, you describe, using SPECIFIC DETAILS, a situation that once caused you to feel that particular emotion.
For example, simply saying "I'm afraid of the dark" is flat.
Instead, we describe how we imagine all kinds of hairy, multiple-legged monsters crawling out from under the bed at night time, and how we get goose bumps on your skin, and we feel a chill down your spine, and our heart skips a beat at the slightest sound etc.
If this is correct, then the main skill is in paying attention to DETAILS. Both to record them, and to replay them.
That is damn hard to do for me. The way I work is I'm conditioned to SUM UP events and come up with conclusions.
You got it exactly Larry. The idea is to elicit and display emotions. Details and events when described with emotive language evoke an emotional response in the listener.
Just like a book that takes 10 min on the first page to describe someone approaching and turning the door knob, is suspenseful and interesting, it also evokes our emotions and we relate to how that person is feeling. Much more exciting than saying:
"He was really nervous. He then went into his bosses office."
Us guys always sum up the events too quickly. But i'll tell you even guys love a good suspensful story that has emotions they can relate to.
All this input is giving me tingles.
Thanks for replying, no my DVD story is MUCH better than that, it generally gets a laugh, however it takes you to a rather unsexy place, from surfing to computers (I mean *YAWN*). Having thought about this I've decided that, having related to the emotion of juggler's story, I could just cut back to his surfing thread with a follow up question of some sort. I guess. The alternative is having her stall trying to follow up on a now dull topic.
Ah to much KJing here methinks.
Goose_
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