So here is a post i wrote on the Alumni Board in response to someone asking about my statment "Remember dating multiple people also means some women won't accept it and there is nothing you can do about that." It sums up my take on this subject.
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I do know most women don't like when I tell them I date other women. That is why I say it in a way that keeps things a touch vague and open for changing that. "I've been dating a couple people but nothing serious." is what i say after she enquires to my relationship status. I try to do that the first night i meet them. Then I don't talk about it anymore. If she brings it up I am honest but i try not to make it definitive. Most women want to know there is a chance with you. If you are dating other people and say something like "I'm not into a serious relationship right now", they may not be into that either but not having that option is a turn off for them.
It's about understanding how women interperet different statments. I asked a lot of female friends about this subject and got their translations.
"I've been dating a couple people but nothing serious."
Translation: He is single, has options and is still on the market but i may have competition.
"I'm not into a serious relationship right now"
Translation: He just wants to sleep around and won't likely commit to a relationship.
One leaves options open, the other is a hard one to work around. If i say the first then I have been honest and clear and don't have to have any type of "talk" about it unless she brings it up.
If it comes down to her asking me what that means I tell her honestly but with as little information as possible. I know if i was dating a woman who was not exclusive (which I have) I wouldn't want to hear about it. Women often ask questions they don't want to hear answers to because they can't help themselves. So if she asks if i am sleeping with any of them I say something like this:
"If I find someone that i have a really strong connection with, I want to experience who they are as a unique person at whatever that level that leads us to. "
If she probes further
"Like I said, right now, nothing is serious. I would like a serious relationship in the future and until I find the right person I need to find out about someone and who they really are before i can make that step."
If she probes further
"Look, I don't want to go into it. All I know is I want to find out about who you are and get to know you better."
If she still has a problem with it she usually will want to be my friend. That is just a way in her mind to make it ok that she is still dating me. Most women don't want to be dating a guy who is dating other women, however they will be friends with that guy. However it is the same thing as if they said they will date you but not sleep with you. She will likely change her mind if you play things right. If you drop her because whe won't "be in rotation" it will confirm who she is scared you might be. However if you continue to be her friend it creates an immeasurable growth in sexual tension that will break in time.
Once a girl sleeps with you hopefully you are proficient in bed enough to have her realize it is better with sex than hanging out with you without sex. She will just ignore the other women and I avoid bringing it up in any way.
Most women i've met, will come around. One girl i told wouldn't talk to me for 2 weeks and had me drive her home the night i told her i was dating other people. Of course at that point i wasn't that smooth the way i told her either. However after that we were friends and after a month of hanging out with her as friends we started sleeping together.
The good thing about dating more than one woman is usually I get enough sex that i lose my agenda for it. That is a turn on when a woman sees you are flirty sexual person but that you don't NEED sex from her.
However what i realize is that most women won't stay in this situation after 3 months. There is something about the 3 month point that makes women have to know where the relationship stands or will leave.
You said it best with "It seems like often women understand and tolerate the status quo of not being exclusive, but don't want it thrown in their faces."
I always felt like I had to explain everything to women about that situation. To make SURE they knew and were OK with it. Guys overexplain everything. Women know the situation from the first time you have that relationship status talk. No more explanation needed. If it is unclear to her then she will ask.
My last point in dating different people is if it is casual for me, I don't hang out with a woman more than once a week after we have sex. Of course this would be insulting if you were hanging out more than a couple times a week before sex. I'm busy so that usually isn't a problem.
My only rule is I always call a girl the next day after sex or being intimate, but i never make future plans on that call unless she brings that up. It comes off needy to progress a relationship after sex or wanting to hang out right away. My best case is I can leave a message on her phone telling her "I just wanted to call and say Hi and that I had a great time last night.. Hope you have a great day today. I'll talk to you soon."
So that is my take on it..
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7 comments:
One other thing I just thought of. Some women who know your dating other women will often shit test you by saying side comments and other things about it. I either ignore them and show they don't bother me. Or I call them out if it is bugging me. I just say something like "are you sure you want to ask questions you don't want to hear the answers to?" Be ready for a discussion though.
The easiest way i deal with it is I exaggerate the answer:
She says, "I'm sure the other women your dating appreciate that."
I say "Oh definitely, the 200 girls last week couldn't stop talking about it actually." Then i tickle them or something like that and move on.
"The good thing about dating more than one woman is usually I get enough sex that i lose my agenda for it. That is a turn on when a woman sees you are flirty sexual person but that you don't NEED sex from her."
that is VERY true. i like to call it the snowball effect, somehow when you start getting more than one girl, more and more success will come, and i believe it is a direct result of having no agenda around women. they will notice that vibe.
so dan, you had a post in the past that talks about bringing up the fact that you ARE seeing other girls to her. you're saying now that you should avoid this?
Your post- The Talk: Solution
"What a great way to enter a conscious relationship. Just knock out all the repeating issue's you have had before right up front. Make her accept your values and views on how the relationship should be."
That was a long time ago. I do things a bit different now. As for the quoted statement that is using qualifications to make her change. I have also since reversed my position on that and now I don't qualify women. There is nothing i can do to prevent her from being dramatic. Instead i just have to properly deal with it as it happens or don't be with her.
Before i felt i had to spell everything out. Now I tell them up front and am honest. However I don't bring it up again. That is very different from not telling them.
[quote]She says, "I'm sure the other women your dating appreciate that."
I say "Oh definitely, the 200 girls last week couldn't stop talking about it actually." Then i tickle them or something like that and move on.[/quote]
it seems you are rewarding her (by being playful) for doing something negative: making negative comments about how you have other relationships. Wouldn't it be better to just answer with a shrug "well, some do, some don't" in a matter-of-fact way? I've thought playful ways of shit testing are more appropriate for shit tests where she is pushing you in a fun, playful way that doesn't have any basis in your reality. I guess i don't like relationships where negative things are alluded to frequently. I'd rather discuss them directly, or focus on positive things. Maybe that seems like 'punishment' in some way, since she probably [i]doesn't[/i] want to have a serious discussion about the other people you're seeing.
I agree with you. If she is doing it more than a couple times i do call her out as I said in my comment above. However the first couple times she does it she is really just looking for reassurance. She feels insecure with the situation and that i date other women. If i exaggerate putting her frame of me regarding other women in a somewhat rediculous fashion it re-wires her thoughts about that to a rediculous situation instead of a real worry and concern, and then I show her some affection. It is a band-aid that i use when i don't want to call her and i just want to have a fun time without always having a long discussion about it.
I don't really see that as a reward. I am not making it ok for her to do it, in fact i'm teasing her about it. I am showing her affection but in more of a push pull way.
I do think you make a good point though and is well worth considering. I do think calling it out and not standing for it if it happens frequently is important. I just don't take a hard line on it all the time because i realize those comments from her are coming from a place of insecurity.
[quote]"I've been dating a couple people but nothing serious." is what i say after she enquires to my relationship status. I try to do that the first night i meet them.[/quote]
What if she never asks your relationship status? For example: What if you get a number and set up a date without her ever enquiring? Do you proactively bring it up and say "Just so you know, I've been dating a couple people but nothing serious"? Does this come off as awkward if you're the one who has to bring it up?
In other words, if she doesn't enquire, what's the best way to make it known in a way that she will accept?
You should the first night you meet her get information. That means asking "what's your relationship situation". Then you can bring up your own in response.
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