Somehow in this whole dating and meeting people thing, the common practice got started to try to not talk about yourself too much. Well how much is too much? It also comes up as the way to get someone to like you is get them to talk about themselves. Where did we go so wrong? Always in the extreme and never in the middle ground do we rest.
A goal in an interaction is to keep the interaction balanced, if you don’t share with a person who you are and what you are about, they will not want to tell you anything about themselves. I talk about myself in interactions all the time. In fact when some one is a bit cold and cut off that is a great way to get them to open up, asking them more questions won’t do that.
The more detailed your descriptions about how you feel, with I perspective, emotions, and details, the more they will follow your lead and see that as an example of how their answers to you should be. If you want to find something you can relate to in another person then you have to be relatable. This does not mean blather on about facts and timelines about what you have done in your life; it is about talking about how you felt doing those things. The less you talk about facts the better, explaining how you feel when snowboarding will be far more interesting than talking about how to technically do it.
Over and over one of the most common things I see in guys who run out of things to say, can’t get commitment, or fail to get anything interesting out of a person, comes down to the fact that they didn’t talk about themselves in a relatable way. If you want someone to like you for the real you, then you have to show them who that is. If you are telling them stuff about yourself that the purpose is to relate how you feel about something, you won’t be talking about yourself too much.
So get out there and let people know who you are. Tell them about you!
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6 comments:
I've always been weirded out by these sort of questions. I'm constantly surprised that i get good answers when i ask them. It calls for some grand narrative of ones life, to drag out a few Important things that have happened. But life doesn't feel like that for me. The best times are the small things: this cup of tea, for instance. Its loose leaf Ceylon Kandy OP i just got in the mail: very mellow and smooth. I enjoy that much more than my school or things like that.
Its also that i don't enjoy talking about myself: i think thats why i end up being quiet in coversations often. I'm more interested in ideas. I don't have any 'heros' but Ideas are animating for me.
I have no idea if i'm answering or avoiding your question.
Hello, this is olu,
I have taken the free e-course at charisma arts and have seen this suggested and ever since been trying it out it for me has kept conversations going a little further then if I had not internalized this principle. a few sticking points remain but improvement is defenitely occuring
so thanks,
Olu
Dear SHH and other guys who read this blog,
Maybe a stupid question, but i was pondering about this today, concerning the giving/taking mindset, and i think maybe this is not too crazy to write here:
What is/sounds better "i want to be your lover/boyfriend" or "i want to you to be my girl" ?
I think think the last one sounds more romantic to girls, because it sounds like you are choosing them over all other women, but the first one is really *giving* to them, without wanting to take back (which is totally the lovermindset). What do you guys think about this?
Pieter
To explain myself further (because what i wrote, isn't maybe complete enough): i think the right mindset is "i want to give you a wonderful experience, i want to give you wonderful feelings, i want to make you feel the most sexy woman in the whole world, make you wetter then you ever been wet before"... from the eyepoint, the first statement (i want to be your boyfriend) should feel like the best, although my intuition says "no, that's lame, girls want to be the girl of the prince, not the prince telling them they want to be their prince"
Maybe that adds up to what i mean with my previous comment...
Pieter
Pieter,
Ok, this ain't my blog, but as a coach (with another company) I've GOT to step in here in case nobody else sees your comments.
-----
Mate, I see where your head's at with this type of thinking, but I'm going to advise you to steer clear of this type of statement of intent. It's simply not necessary. I think you're a bit off the mark with your definition of what constitutes giving/taking value. You want to add value in an interaction or a relationship, but this is largely independent of the wording you use in any particular phrase.
Either way, in the above example(s), you're 'selecting' a girl for some sort of high-seat in your life. When any of your relationships is primed and ready to escalate to that level, any logical dictation to that effect is superfluous. Ok sorry, I think I just became a lawyer back there. Let me rephrase that: when you and one of the women in your life are closely connected enough that she and you are in the mindset that you should be "a couple", there's simply no reason to articulate it in such a formal way. Let things "just happen" (on your schedule of course) and make it an adventure. It's the same principle as attraction and rapport. There's really no need to say: "Gee, there's so much sexual tension between us." -comments like that actually alleiviate sexual tension (bad).
In other words, just GIVE her the wonderful experience(s) you've mentioned above. There's no need to discuss it beforehand. ;) Just let it happen on its own and it will, and the connection between the two of you will be that much stronger for it.
-Harbinger
Hi Harbinger,
okay, I take your point, and I think that once you are Macking, it is a turn on to girls to hear you express your desire. I like DavidX's thoughts here.
David X, approximated: "I don't want to seduce a girl. Seduction implies trickery. I want to make her mine. I want her to be *my* girl. I want to treat her right. I want to treat her well." Of course he also likes to stay in control of them and he always gets lots of compliance and leads always. "It's my way or the highway!" And: "All women fantasize about being taken."
Juggler, approximated: "Women find a man's desire a turn on. Alot of women's sexual fantasies are about being desired."
For me, I was making out with the last chick I saw. I told her in an aggressive voice, "I just want to take you. I just want to make you mine."
Her eyes rolled up in her head and closed and she just lay there for a long beat with a look of serenity on her face. It was like what she always wanted to hear.
I think Pimp Talk does the same thing. ("Stick with me baby. I'll take you all the way to the top. I'll be your King. You'll be my Queen. It's going to be nothing but the best: champage and cavier. I may ask you do somethings that you don't understand at first. You'll just have to trust me, and do what I say. I'll take you all the way baby.")
Okay, now this girl probably have loved it no matter what I said by the time we were fooling around. It invokes a traditional masculine dominant frame. Which can be good if you want that. (I do.)
- Jason_LA
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