A former client on our Alumni board posted this and i thought it was really good. I think creative misinterpretation can be a great humor technique as well. Try it out and check out Jonas of Denmark's story:
I just had a great convo with Jake that inspired me to write a post about this issue. I am sure that you guys have read SHH's post about always agreeing. I am sure that you knows about positive assumptions too. This little technique flips the frame into something positive no matter what you get thrown at you. What I've found as a great tool is positive misinterpretation.
When I came home to Denmark from NYC wearing an earring my friends, co workers and every other stranger made fun of me. It began to annoy me and I couldn't really do anything but ignore or laugh at it until I started doing something I found extremely powerful.
Her:
You look like my teenage cousin who wants to be gangsta but really just looks gay
Me:
Thanks I am really glad you like my earring. I was soooo worried that you wouldn't respect me for having it done
(with a genuine surprised warm vibe)
Actully this girl cracked up on my reply and spent the rest of the night backing me up everytime somebody commented badly on my earring.
Key thing is to share your worries, fears and human side. By doing this you really are saying, you hear her opinion but just could care less. You are also making it obvious how unsensitive she is but in a funny and non-judgemental way. It works great on amogs too because it's a non competitive and sincere frame where you aren't trying to put anybody down with a snappy answer - It's simply high value.
I still wear the earring...
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7 comments:
Jonas is brilliant, I loved his recent lay report too.
My dad taught me a great example of this positive misinterpretation/ positive presumption technique last week.
I told him my boss ignored most everything I wrote in my paper.
He said, "I write back, and after incorporate what ever feedback my boss does give me up front, then I just add 'I glad you are happy with my work so far.'"
"After a couple of these, it's really hard for them to come back later and say they didn't like my work! They've either got to actively disagree and actually give me feedback, or agree (by default) that they are happy with my work and I'm doing a good job!"
What a nice way to spin lack of feedback! I realize now I used to take this "presumption" approach all the time with my ex-wife. I would just warm-read what she was thinking. If she didn't agree, she'd tell me. But mostly she thought I was psychic, and it would magnify rapport exponentially.
- Jason_LA
Hey Dan,
I'm a virgin, would you recommend being open about this to girls when they directly ask after my relationship experience, or try to fake it at first and tell them afterwards the truth? I know i should be genuine and accept myself the way i am, but mostly they act weirded out when i tell them the truth, since i'm quite old...
I enjoy your blog a lot, thanks a lot for it!
Sir Virgin the anonymously
I wouldn't share that. It's nothing to be ashamed of but they don't need to know your sex life, and like you said they act weirded out. You don't want that. I'm kinda surprised you didn't learn your lesson the first time. My advice- don't lie, but don't tell em the truth either. Just tell em you have never been in any serious relationships. I highly doubt they will ask how many women youve slept with.
It's weird because never in my life has that topic come up for me. Are they actually asking how many girls you've been with or are you voluntarily bringing up the fact youre a virgin?
They were actually asking how many girls i've been with... of course this doesn't happen every time, but it did happen a few times. Problem is, that i sound very defensive if i try to avoid an answer, and according to the JM I should never get defensive, even DQ myself... i thought telling the truth could be some kind of DQ, so they see they can't affect me and i don't need their approval. How would you avoid this, when somebody directely asks you "how many relationships did you have in your life?" When do you know you can DQ yourself, and when you should hide the truth because it weirds people out?
Thank you for your answer!
If you can't be confident about it don't DQ on it or bring it up. Disqualification works when you are confident about your weakness. If you are not it doesn't work.
Don't feel bad about it though. I was 23 when i lost my virginity. I know guys who are great with women now who lost it even later.
If it is brought up try to stay confident. Don't let it get to you. Be upfront and then change the subject. Just for your info if you can stay confident and have no agenda in the interaction you will actually be amazed at how many women would love to take the opprotunity to "pop your cherry".
There is nothing to be ashamed of, have fun and don't let that become a worry. As for a long term plan, once you find a girl you like go out on a few dates with her and make sure you escalate with making out and flirting. Then bring it up casually and confidently. Don't make it a heavy conversation.
I lost it to a good friend and i thought that was much better. No wierdness at all nor any expectation on what it meant to a relationship.
I don’t know that anything is weird if you talk about it in a congruent fashion. The only things that I try and avoid are things that are gross or things that I don't care about.
At the boot camp, a 2 set of girls and I had a discussion about this exact thing. I am a virgin (albeit by choice, but that doesn’t matter) and they loved it because I appeared okay with it, although a lot of times I’m not. The married girl started reverse kinoing me and the other girl was interested although I broke off the set prematurely.
Wear anything and everything as a badge of honor because that anything makes up who you are; makes you unique. I collect trash from the side of the road and make sculptures out of it. Thats weird but its part of me.
You can DQ on it, although I think Wayne said not to. I have and it wasn’t a stumbling point. I have found that any topic you are uncomfortable with will inevitably come up. Or maybe that’s my luck...
Luke
Wow this is unreal. Seeing my post on my favorite blog. Thanks Dan for seing the potential in my idea. You are always aware -I really like that about you.
And Jason I am really glad you liked my fieldrapport. I makes me feel good to know that somebody out there value my experiences. Thanks for sharing mate!
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