What was your biggest breakthrough with the Charisma Arts Method?
A client in San Francisco asked me this recently; he found the answer very helpful so I thought I would share it with you.
I am not only an instructor but I was also a client. I was in the same place many of you are, when I was considering taking a boot camp. I related to women from a place of ego. I liked who I was, and wanted women to see what I saw in myself that was impressive. So I told a lot of stories about my adventures and spoke in a way that made sure she knew I was intelligent. The irony is, the more you brag about yourself or try to impress someone, the less you actually do. So I needed a whole new way to relate. Charisma Arts taught me that instead of telling stories and anecdotes to impress people that I need to use those same stories to connect and relate to people. If the reason I told a story was to show the person I was talking to that I had a similar experience (that elicited a similar emotion), I could understand who they were and where they were coming from.
An interesting thing started to happen. As I began listening more for the emotional content in other people’s stories, I began to become very interested in what they had to say. I no longer was just waiting for my turn to tell a cool story. Then when I related I found that my stories were far more well received. The added bonus was that I got to tell all my cool stories but I was using them to relate, not impress.
We all want people to see who we are as unique impressive individuals. The key is not telling someone how unique you are, instead find out how unique they are. You in turn will be one of the few people they meet that they feel truly understands them. Isn’t that what we wanted in the first place for ourselves? There is a saying, “Give to others what you want for yourself.”
“Seduction is the art of setting the stage for two people to choose to reveal themselves to each other.” Juggler p118 The Game
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5 comments:
Dan, I think you may have discovered something fundamental here. I know from my own experiences, I've been in situations whereby I've sat across from a woman and listened to her tell me a story about something which I didn't find particularly interesting. So, I smile and nod, but it doesn't make an impact. So I get nothing from the experience - I didn't really learn anything interesting about her and because the topic bored me, I have no followup conversational threads.
You post made me realise that I may have been looking at it all wrong - analysing the FACTS of the event she was recalling and nothing beyond that (hey, I'm an analytical guy, that's how I think).
If I replay one recent example of such an incident back in my mind now and I imagine what EMOTIONS she must have been experiencing during the event she was telling me about, her story suddenly becomes far more interesting because the story she's recalling is now telling me something about her character, which is what I've been trying to learn about all along... and of course, picking up on those emotions also gives me the chance to relate with a followup converstional thread (standard Juggler Method).
As I said, I think this paradigm shift in the way one thinks about the purpose of conversation with women (and even men to an extent) is something fundamental which shouldn't be lost as just another blog posting. It's a big 'aha' for me and I'm sure others would feel the same way if it's explained to them exactly why thinking about the purpose of conversation differently is so important. I'll have to field test this new way of thinking in future and see if it makes an improvement (I'm sure it will).
Man what a great shift, and I have no doubt how much it can make a person happier. I m personally extroverted and naturally love talking to grannies, kids and pets. My thing has always been with girls.....fuck, is it that hard to realise that it is a fucking person on the other side of the interaction?!?
I loved this post man, in fact this is my favorite one from the blog. Another day I head someones saying "man remember that girl has been on planet Earth for 21 years, that is a lot ot talk about". And I m like "Dang....she has parents, grandparents, teachers, etc....she is a fucking real person. Man...how would I like to be aproached??"
Thanks Dan, waiting now to listen to your podcasts. As soon as their are back on air ;-) cheers
You guys got it! What great comments. Thanks for posting, I really appreciate the feedback!
Hi Dan, this is Mick in Atlanta. We spoke Wedneday; I had a fantastic date that night. This post reminds me of a story I heard that proably isn't true, but it makes a good point. A lady donated a ton of money to the Democrats and got invited to a party and got to sit in between Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton. After the party was over, some one asked her what she thought of Jimmy Carter. She said, "After talking to him for half an hour, I was convinced that Jimmy Carter was the most fascinating person in the country." So someone asked her how did she like Bill Clinton. She said, "Well, after talking to Bill Clinton for half an hour, I was convinced that I was the most fascinating person in the entire country."
Dan, excellent post for sure. In my interactions lately, success (ie, the person hooks and stays to talk with me for a while) hinges on whether I really relate and make that emotional connection. And the key to doing that, as you say, is appreciating their individuality and letting them know you can see it and enjoy it. I'm not sure which of us asked you the "biggest breakthrough" question in SF, but it's a pretty thought-provoking question and you answered it nicely.
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