A lot of people ask me about the proper mindset to make the Charisma Arts method work. It is really summed up in being approval giving rather than approval seeking. The Alpha (Nice) Male is someone who needs no validation from other people. He doesn’t talk to people with the goal of getting them to like him. He knows they will like him, instead wants to find out if he likes them. This leads to him giving his approval to people when he finds traits that he likes. Since most people are approval seeking and are constantly wanting validation in their social interactions, he is one of the only people giving them what they want, his approval.
Approval giving is very simple to do in theory, a little harder in practice. You have to rid yourself of approval seeking tendencies before you can be the opposite. Disqualification is a great technique to be able to show you are not approval seeking. Learning to agree and not be defensive is another technique. The most important thing though, is having a genuine interest in people. When you are looking to find interesting things out about others, you are no longer focusing on yourself. You can be authentic and confident; appreciating the people around you and making them feel comfortable.
Appreciating people is such a huge way to show you are approval giving. Do it for no other reason than that you genuinely enjoy something about them, or something they do. I can’t tell you how much free stuff this has gotten me. From hotel upgrades and perks, to free drinks and desserts; I love telling people how much I appreciate them because it makes them feel so good.
I feel like I am doing humanitarian work at times, making people happy wherever I go; brightening their day when their down. It is a really powerful tool to develop your charisma. People in our culture get too little appreciation and too few people recognizing and rewarding them for who they are. We need to be appreciated, so be the one giving the appreciation and people will start flocking to your side because you make them feel so good. You can’t be approval seeking when you are giving honest genuine appreciation to others.
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12 comments:
i really like how your posts are slowly moving from technique to calibration.
Could you give a couple of examples of nonsexual rewards that you have given?
I.e. to waitresses or hotel workers?
Thanks
This understanding is so key and changes the whole energy of the interaction. Wayne and Johnny's audio gave a good feeling of what you mean. Awesome post Dan, the way you lay out things is just a blessing for the community. You are so generous. Cheers Dan.
One question I have on this is where is the line between finding things to appreciate in others and telling them about it and sucking up (which starts to appear approval seeking again)? Is it just a calibration thing or is there a more specific rule?
Dan, it sounds like you have been continually increasing the quality of women in your life since your original CA bootcamp.
What has made the difference since then? One of the things I find confusing about JM is that it seems like you do the same thing with an average looking girl as you do with a supermodel, and that you should be able to generate attraction in either. From a practical standpoint, that normally doesn't seem to be the case.
Using myself as an example, I can now run the six steps of JM and create attraction in women. But not 9's or 10's. They may like me, but that doesn't make them attracted, regardless of a "sexy" SOI.
Is there something in your personal experience and/or those of your students that has revealed how a guy goes from doing "OK," to "good," to "excellent," in terms of the women he can attract?
This makes sense... a "DHV" is actually approval-seeking, so always a bad thing to do, if you do it on purpose.
Anonymous said:
One question I have on this is where is the line between finding things to appreciate in others and telling them about it and sucking up (which starts to appear approval seeking again)? Is it just a calibration thing or is there a more specific rule?
I'll jump in on this one while we wait for Dan to respond.
Just this evening, I shared with a couple of buddies an article by a writer named Brenda Ueland. A really amazing person, or at least, she seems to be based off of the books she's written.
Anyway, there's an article floating around the net about listening as the ultimate form of love. I think this article, and one particular segment of the article, holds the key to this problem, which I agree can be a serious issue in our interactions.
Ueland says:
"Now, how to listen? It is harder than you think. I don't believe in critical listening, for that only puts a person in a straitjacket of hesitancy. He begins to choose his words solemnly or primly. His little inner fountain cannot spring. Critical listeners dry you up. But creative listeners are those who want you to be recklessly yourself, even at your very worst, even vituperative, bad-tempered. They are laughing and just delighted with any manifestation of yourself, bad or good. For true listeners know that if you are bad-tempered it does not mean that you are always so. They don't love you just when you are nice; they love all of you."
I think the key to avoiding sucking up when appreciating others is in putting aside the critical listener in you. I think being a critical listener all the time -- judging, evaluating, "this thing she said is bad, this one is good" -- causes you to look at the person on the other end of the interaction in the wrong way. If you judge constantly, talking with her to ferret out the bad parts of her personality and holding her on trial (I'm not saying you do this, mind you), then your motivation makes it difficult to appreciate her on all levels. If you make the attempt to find something to appreciate about her even as you harbor this mindset, I think it comes across as try hard because you don't really mean it (or you only kind of mean it).
I think a certain amount of judgment withholding in the early stages of an interaction is essential. Turn off the critic. If you can do so successfully, I think it will be much easier to find that nugget or morsel of wonderfulness that makes it worthwhile to have talked to her.
You can worry about how much long-term approval you will give out to her later, as you decide whether you want to interact with her again.
In the short term, putting aside the critic will allow you to be authentic in your approval-giving.
Here's the entire Ueland article.
Non sexual rewards:
I like you, you are really fun
I like that, it really shows you are a really warm hearted person
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Rewarding=Genuine appreciation of someone else given without expectation of reciprication.
Sucking up=ingenuine compliments that are undeserved or are over the top in scale.
reward genuinely at an equal level of what value you actually see.
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I think there is no difference in how you act to score a 10 or a 6. The reality is that you won't likely act the same with a 10 so you are actually being LESS of yourself, so that is why you can't attract that level of woman. When you can be truly the same person with a 6 and a 10 then you will attract both. My only caveat is that 10's are often very insecure and some use that to their advantage and that is why other methods change at that level. You don't have to change it up with Charisma Arts, just be yourself more confidently. Hotter women do sniff out insincerity quicker though.
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I agree DHV's should be something that you are not something you do.
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Nice post esoteric!
Thanks for the compliment, Dan.
I think the phrase "equal level" is so important in your above post. Your reward has to be on par with what she has displayed. You wouldn't say "I like you SOOO much. You are SOOO fun," after she had simply reciprocated a smile. Nor would you tell her she's sexy after she filled the vacuum after you posed the question, "What's a good book about surfing?"
No one would ever do that. It's so false and insincere.
Don't over reward. Value given for value earned.
I was thinking... alhough overrewarding is not what you want to do, it shouldn't bother you if you did it, and get a bad reaction. If you 'look' for her reaction after you give approval, you are still using approvalgiving as a tool to get approval.
Your approvalgiving shouldn't be a "tool" you use to get something, but like arrows you shoot. No?
Another thing that came to my mind, concerning saying "sorry" when it's not appropriate... Personally, i used to say sorry at the most inappropriate times. I now realize, this was a way for me, to seek approval in a way, that i could "hide" a bit, that i was seeking approval for who i was.
You can say "sorry" in an approvalseeking, and in an approvalgiving sense:
1/ when you aknowledge that you did something wrong and want to give approval to the person. In this sense, you don't need an "it's ok, i forgive you" from the other person. You don't need a certain reaction back.
2/ seeking approval, so the person would say "it's ok". When you say sorry like this lots of times, people get tired by hearing you, because you are sucking there energy. Appologizing for who you are as a person, is a way of saying sorry in an approval seeking way. "Sorry that i told that story in such a boring way". "Sorry that i asked you for advice twice" (instead of "thank you for helping me twice"). It's like saying "please tell me it's ok the way i am, that i am "
I'm still "philosophing" about this, and am not completely 'done' with it, but for now, i'd summurize it as such:
Saying sorry in an aprovalseeking way is all about you and your need for approval for who you are, saying sorry in an approvalgiving way is all about the other person and how he did right were you were doing wrong, acknowledging he deserved/deserves approval for his reaction towards you (? dunno, if someone can help me to put it more clearly, you're more then welcome ;).
P.S. Another thing: could it be that an approvalgiving person rarely uses the word "sorry", and always can put a spin on it that it's all about the other person deserving approval? That your "sorry"-saying ratio diminishes, the more you get good at approval giving in stead of approval seeking? That you start to very rarely say sorry as an approvalgiver, because you can formulate your "message" in a way that it's all about the other person deserving approval?
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