So around the Charisma Arts crew I’m known as the “Set Stealer”. One of my more entertaining colleagues goes in and opens up the set and then after a bit I come in and end up with the cute girl they originally had started to talk to. For one, I think this is a bit undeserved since we aren’t exactly in a normal situation. We both have to divide our attentions between our clients, and whomever we are talking to. It isn’t hard to move in on someone who is distracted. Secondly our objective on a workshop is NOT to pick up women, it is to giver our clients 100% of our attention and give them the best experience possible. However it happens, that is my reputation. So I started wondering why? I am certainly not more charming or charismatic than any of our other instructors. Hell whenever we get a bit competitive over a girl I usually lose that battle, so why this reputation? I think it is because I really enjoying connecting on a deeper emotional level.
Usually when this sort of thing happens whoever opened the set was in entertainer role and is keeping the attention of the entire group so our clients can come in and individually connect with women in the set. If I join in, that is usually what I do, since there is no reason to have two entertainers in a group. After a few moments of connecting a strong bond is created that is different than if I was just a fun, interesting, entertaining guy.
On the flip side of this equation I find I do drop into an entertainer role when I am in set with a client. I am the distraction and as Judson so fondly puts it, we play the role of “the clapping monkey”. We keep the attention of the entire group so our client can connect one on one with the person they choose to. After a set like this I find I don’t have as strong of a bond with the people I am talking to. I can usually get just about any phone number in the group if I choose, but rarely have I created as much of an attraction with any one person as when I connect one on one.
I see this example profoundly when I work with Chad. He is a very quiet person, and rarely tries to be entertaining. However he connects so strongly and uses a lot of disqualification. It is amazing to see the reaction women have to him. They begin to forget anyone is even in the bar with them and their attention is solely focused on Chad. I don’t care if David Copperfield himself came in and started lighting himself on fire while levitating through hoops, her attention would only briefly wander.
It is so rare for people to connect in a way that creates a deep understanding of who we are and how we feel. Entertaining people are a common commodity. So while I don’t advocate trying to have a deep philosophical conversation with a party girl in a club, speaking about what her passions are, and relating and appreciating her, in a fun upbeat way will create a stronger bond than just being entertaining.
Connection is paramount. This whole method can be summed up as simply as making her interesting, and appreciating what is interesting and unique about her.
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17 comments:
Dan, from the time you became an instructor, up til now, what have you found to be most influential and substantial thing you've learned about quickly making the other person comfortable around you and quickly finding something unique about him/her?
i did a seminar with CA yet am still struggling. my social game has gotten stronger and i can get #s pretty easily through friends of friends and such. Still not hitting the HB 8s + though.
connecting is tough for me especially if they're hot and they give me that nonchalant air of disinterest (or maybe i'm projecting).
do you think you can wire yourself up and record your first 5 mins. of sets when you're out and post them on the CA forum? i think that would be useful.
MBP lots of Disqualifying and answering your own BIG questions. The more you commit and put yourself out there the more they will.
As for recording conversations i would love to honestly. However there are major legal reprecussions for publicly releasing conversations that were secretly recorded. You should check out Wayne and Johnnys conversations as the latest podcast at charisma arts.
I understand that a lot of the people in the community are taping and posting conversations. That is one thing if you are a private individual. However as a Employee of Charisma Arts that can have major legal reprecussions for the company and myself. Sorry...
P.S. have you already done your free phone consult that is a part of your bootcamp? If not definitly take advantage of that.
I didn't know CA used group-entertainment strategies/approaches. I thought the usual idea was to connect with someone, and then use them to meet another person and work 1/2 people at a time. What does it involve: going directly to statements without asking questions first, more banter, and less personal questions?
Man I wish you and chad would do a workshop in my state. I guess I could always start with phone coaching.
Love the blog you have helped me understand JM big time. Now I just need to pickup my balls and start approaching
Thank you, and keep on writing, you stuff is good.
Dan,
Before I entered the community I succeeded in gaining attraction because I was "the entertainer", in fact I'll never forget the look on my parents face when they received a school report labeling me the "the class clown - more interested in entertaining than understanding".
Charisma Arts theory of "Getting Out Of Your Head" is probably the single most valuable thing I learnt from this community. However I noticed, my Night Club game has gone down... I'm no longer the guy pouring beer over girls boobs.
Ok I know Night Clubs arent the place to find meaningful relationships, but they are full of real life barbies. These girls often have the attention span of goldfish, so DQing does little, my only tactic is bracketing negative statement with positive emotions and push/pull. I wanna progress from closing the bored barmaids to the girls dancing on tables... What are your suggestions??
this is the anonymous guy who posted earlier and who had taken CA seminar.
i had a zen day yesterday. i was talking to an attractive woman at work and literally caught myself entertaining her. i just TALKED so much; talked at her. she had no input. it was like i was floating above myself and saw myself doing it. then i stopped and asked her a question and vacuumed her. wow. I do this quite a lot with attractive women. I just talk at them because i'm nervous i'll lose their interest. but the more i do it the more i am pushing their interest away! then i had the most amazing interactions with friends. I was non hurried, non judgmental, just purely enjoying the interactions.
And i saw that the one or two times my ego came up and wanted to 'DHV' about something, i watched the reaction of the other person and they weren't able to relate back as well. [ i felt unappreciated for something that i thought i did was cool but it didn't bother me. it was just an observation]
this stuff works!!
Hi Dan,
Your point reminds me of a story from my own pickup workshop experiences.
Two years ago I went up from LA to San Francisco to study with Wilder and Sensei of pickup 101. I came a night early, and was hanging out at their big pad in North Beach.
William and Lance had pulled a brunette and a blond, two cute girls back to their place. There was a wet bar, and a clothing store manequin. I remember watching these guys go into alot of banter and funny jokes about the manequin. The girls giggled. I just smiled and watched. It was clearly canned material, and it was good stuff. Very funny.
After a while, I said, "I'm going to make tea. Would anyone else like some?" The blonde says yes.
That's all I did. The blonde was into me the rest of the night. I wasn't in entertainer frame, they were. Maybe you can chalk this up to my stunning good looks, but I prefer to think it was my vibe. I was appreciating and projecting totally mellow, comfortable vibe, while they were performing.
- Jason_LA
Hi Dan,
You do a nice job here of summing up the essence of JM. That emotional connection is what we offer that is unique, that makes quality women want to be around us. This sentiment is profound, "Speaking about what her passions are, and relating and appreciating her, in a fun upbeat way will create a stronger bond than just being entertaining."
Here are a couple of questions that linger with me.
1) If I'm out alone it is challenging to jump into a set and emotionally connect without clapping and grunting a bit. I feel like I'm fighting to hold the attention of whoever I'm talking to. Do you think that being entertaining has a role (and if so, what is it) or it is something that hurts connection and should be avoided or transitioned out of quickly?
2) When I DQ it is often humorous but I'm not sure that it creates an emotional connection. Theoritically I would say that it increases connection because it shows that I am human and real. But when I tell someone that, "I love my job but sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in it," it feels so un-fun, so not appropriate for a bar. Do you have any examples of DQs that lead toward emotional connection? How do they fit into fun upbeat bar convo?
Thanks for another thought provoking blog!
MBP, wash rince repeat - MoneyMAteo FR on MASF.
How to build comfort: do something way to forward (stick finger down cleavage) when they say 'no' comply immediately, and absolutely. This makes them feel they have power over you, at the same time your not letting them 'walk all over you' and so kill attraction, because it WAS way too forward.
This obviously won't work in many situations - i.e. groups, etc., but where it can be used seems a terriffic comfort building strategem.
comfort = power over you, control over the situation. The line seems to be: as we have to lead fear/discomfort for her will happen, just minimise it.
The comfort question could be rephrased:
How to make her aware that she has power over her situation without blowing the sarge (i.e. being a walk over AFC).
comfort is:
making her friends love you (reassurance).
Being seen to be sociable/that others like you (social proof reassurance)
being loud
being non-sexual (also ultimately boring).
feminine attitudes?
always agreeing
what else?????
2 days to go.
Use absolutes and superlatives to put pressure on her to give you good answers.
I want to throw beer over girl's boobies.
love you all.
Kong.
Hey Jason, what did you learn from Wilder? he seems to have left 101. The entertainer skillset is something I admire greatly, I wish Juggler taught it!
MoneyMateo/Kong
I'll let your comment stand but it really has nothing to do with this post or Charisma Arts method. I believe building comfort is a mystery method thing. Making someone comfortable in our method is done by disqualification and relating, not doing stupid tricks like sticking your finger in someones cleavage.
Personally to me most of your post doesn't make any sense.
Aero, read the latest blog on some ideas for more humor. Also add lots of push pull and sexual barriers. Party girls want fun interactions. You can do that through flirting and being playful. Also you just have to have higher energy.
Silverneedle, I asked chad about that but he is a bit hesitant about podcasting. He has personal reasons but my take on it is he is very busy and doesn't have time for more privates or phone consults that would result from it. Who knows though. Regardless, if you are interested in that i would do a phone consult with him.
PR: Check out my latest blog. DQ's don't really create strong emotional connections, unless that person has the same weakness, they more display your confidence and make people more comfortable around you. A guy who is confident enough to be proud of his own weaknesses is an attractive thing. It shows how human he is as well as makes people feel comfortable around him because he doesn't qualify himself or others.
SHH if you can get your students to get laid like Money mateo, then you won't have to worry about CAs' image.
Also its got nothing to do with MM, MM bashing is tiresome, if you want CA to become more successful than MM, then get your students pulling girls consistently, and the evidence will leak out I'm sure. Mystery Method is more successful and always will because their is evidence it works.
So nerrrr.
Umm. Hey anonymous, to my way of thinking Juggler does teach an entertainer skillset, and better than most. Maybe he tricked you by telling you he's teaching you how to be compelling and charismatic?
Some principles....in addition to his advice to take an improv and an acting class....
You must be enjoying yourself first.
Amplify your expressions.
Speak from the I perspective.
As you talk, answer the questions, how did it feel? What was it like?
Disqualify yourself.
Agree and amplify.
Tease.
* * *
In fact, this may be the best breakdown I've ever seen of the "entertainer's" skill set.
- Jason_LA
What about when the entertainer is that Alpha guy that everyone gives attention to because he draws so much attention. I can see starting a conversation w/her might not really interest her if she's putting attention on that entertainer.
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