The art of NOT qualifying

This is a repost of a reply i put on the alumni board trying to clear up some confusion about my DQ blog post. Sorry if some of it doesn't make sense, it was replies to specific points. Regardless i think it explains further my thoughts on not Qualifying people.

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Ok, since my ears are burning on this one i decided to drop in and clarify MY stand on it, not necessarily CA's stand on this.

I have not figured out quoting so bear with me while i refer to points everyone has made. I'll start from the top and work down.

I want to point out Qualifying a woman does often increase her attraction for you. I would actually disagree with Sexy Intent's assertion that DQ is really only good for ONS. I think qualification will also and only work for short term relationships.

Yes qualifying makes a woman chase you more. The problem is she then CHANGES herself to be liked by you. She changes herself to fit your qualifications so you will like her more. In fact if you set up a qualification you will not get to know her better, you will only see what she wants you to see. by qualifiying her you are saying "You are not ok if you don't fit my qualifcation, and i won't be with you". So if she wants to be with you even slightly then she will try to appear like she is the person you want. So qualifications WONT allow you to get to know her better.

So how do you determine what a girl is really like w/o qualifying/screening her? Well you won't find out by qualifying her, you will only see what she wants to show you. By disqualifying yourself and her, then you create a situation where she feels REALLY comfortable being herself around you. She will begin to show you all sorts of things about herself she wouldn't feel comfortable telling anyone else. She will feel comfortable showing her sexual interest because she knows you won't judge her. No one wants to change for someone else. You not wanting her to change will seperate you from everyone else and build much stronger attraction than any qualification will.

Guys who use qualifications in the community come off confidant, that builds attraction. However it will not be a stable foundation for a lasting relationship. AFC's have qualifications but make exceptions and supplicate, then resent the woman for not meeting their unspoken qualification. I think guys who disqualify and just choose a woman who fits their qualifications over those who don't have a lot better chance at building a good relationship.

In fact if you disqualify yourself and her, then you find out who she is and what she's like FAR faster an more completely than someone who sets up qualifications and only finds out she is different later.

Keep your qualifications to yourself. Choose whether you want to be with her based on her true expression of herself, not her trying to jump into your qualifcations.

Ok how to disqualify a woman. This is a qualification wh puts upon herself or you have put on her by accident.

"I know i said i don't like gossipy people, however i definetly have found myself falling into the trap of gossiping about a coworker way too often."

"I defiinitely agree with you about how important style is and looking good is, however i love it when you(a woman) meet me for breakfast without makeup on, it shows me just how confident & comfortable with me you are."

I think it is a rare thing for people to feel completely comfortable with who they are. We are always trying to change ourselves so others like us. When someone runs into me and i make them feel 100% ok with being themself that sets me apart so much further than some confident guy who uses qualifications. NO ONE these days is ok with people just as they are. That shows real value that you can do that.

Even women i don't date long term i make them know i am ok with who they are just as they are. My internal qualifications that don't allow me to pursue a relationship with her are not voiced unless she asks why i don't want to be in a relationship. Then even when that happens, i tell her she is perfect just the way she is, that if she were to change just to be with me she would resent me later.

We all have internal qualifications, just keep them to yourself. Enjoy a person for who they are. Just because you can't be in a LTR with them does not mean you can't have fun and enjoy a short term relationship with her.

Qualifying and rewarding are two very different things! The vacuum is not a qualification, it is simply stating when you ask a question you expect an answer. I mean why would you ask if you didn't? A reward is something you appreciate in her and you are encouraging, a qualification is a real clear statement. "If you do or are X, then i like you" That is NOT a reward. That is an ultimatum. I appreciate and reward people for who they are regardless of whether i like them of not. I just choose to reward them for things i see as valuable, and don't reward them for things i dissaprove of. I don't set up a qualification that i will not like them if they do something i don't like. I accept them for 100% of who they are, the good and the bad. I just encourage the natural things they do that i like.

Dymn's post:

If you want a girl who likes threesomes, find one. Don't change someone to fit that or it will never last between you. She will resent you if you qualify her into saying that is ok if it isn't. The way you let her off is you disqualify.

"I know i said i like you because you are open to threesomes, but i understand reality and fantasy are two different things. I sometimes get caught up in the idea of something rather than the reality of it. I realize the most important thing to me is that you are always honest with how you feel even if it is different than what i feel." Now she can feel free to say to you she is not comfortable with a threesome. Also get her honest feelings so you can choose whether you want to stay with her.

Sexy Intent, you explained that well. Although like i said the only thing i disagree with is that qualifications actually work great for ONS, but so do DQ's. They both work good for attraction building in the short term. But DQ's work better all the way through a relationship.

Prof:

You can do that in a way that is powerful and confidant. You just say exactly how you feel without making it a judgement on her.

"I love to be sexually adventurous. That feeling of discovering where peoples comfort zones are and creating a space where someone can let loose is so erotic to me."

See how this just says what you like but doesn't set up an ultimatum for someone? It also doesn't set a benchmark of what you think is adventurous. So for the poor girl who thinks anything but missionary position is adventurous can express herself the same as a girl who wants to try threesomes. It also allows her to talk about WHAT she feels is adventurous.

SHH