Rewarding

Lately i have been so entrenched in trying to get people to relate i don't know if i have stressed just how important that reward is. This is the other half of the relate and reward cycle.

Rewarding someone is not some pavlovian conditioning response. It is as simple as active listening. When you are actively listening to someone you are naturally rewarding them by nodding and saying things like "uh huh", "absolutely", etc. The reward in the reward and relate cycle is nothing more then appreciating when someone tells you something about themselves you appreciate.

Her: Ya i work at a pediatrician's office.
You: That must be really rewarding helping children feel more comfortable and knowing that by coming in they are getting the help they need. Especially helping support the doctor by creating an environment of comfort and safety for the children. I can see you being really good at your job.

Then go into the relating phase of the interaction.

That reward is so important. We all want to be validated and understood. Relating is important but it is the reward we give people that really makes them connect to us.

There can be little rewards such as kino, a hug, or a high five. Or larger rewards such as a SOI (Statement of intent) by telling her she is sexy. The important thing is to reward people in a way that shows them you understand how they feel. Put yourself in their place and look for the positive emotions that they could be experiencing. Even if they don't experience it exactly like you describe it, if you do it well they will identify with that.

The best reward I have found is when you voice how they feel back to them and let them know how much you admire that. The closer you can voice the exact emotion they are feeling the stronger the connection and attraction will be built. There is nothing more powerful in this world to build a connection than when someone voices what you are feeling. You feel they truly understand you. That is a powerful thing.

So here is a homework assignment. When talking to people this week i want you to use the phrase "I like you." and then explain why you like them. This is REALLY powerful. As with any reward it MUST be done after their high point. This is a point when they have shown you something unique or something you find interesting about them. If you reward on your high point you will seem disingenuous.

So i want to hear comments on the effect of saying "i like you" and explaining why. Did you see their eyes light up when they saw you understood them? It is such a powerful thing to reward people and tell them why you appreciate them.

So until next time, remember to tell people you appreciate them for being who they are. Appreciation and rewards are key to being a charismatic person.