Charisma Tips - From Socialhitchhiker

We Have Moved! - Charismatips.com

2007-03-19T23:26:00.000-07:00

Please update your links and feeds. We are now hosted on our own server and have a lot more flexibility to podcast and a whole lot more.

Visit the new site at http://www.charismatips.com

Down Time

2007-03-03T10:44:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone. Please bear with me over the next week or two. I am re-locating the blog to my own hosting service. It will be a bit before i am able to post a new article. Until then I encourage those of you who have not read the archives to go back and check them out. Not too far back ;) There should be a disclaimer on some of those early posts that I no longer think or teach that way. Still interesting at least to me to see where i came from.

See you on the new site!

The Smile Opener

2007-03-01T10:21:00.000-08:00

Recently I was talking to a past client and he told me about a very simple technique he used for opening people during the daytime. Simply smile, when they smile back thank them for a warm smile back. This was such a simple but great idea I asked him to write down his thoughts about it so here they are.

Perhaps it’s best to begin this like an AA meeting. Hi everyone, I’m ph and I want to one day own a bunch of monkeys that all run around wearing diapers. Don’t scoff at my dreams, I heard that there’s quite the market for consumer primates. I created this amazing connection with this old woman in a Petco store when she started giving me guidance on fulfilling my
dream apparently there are quite a few websites focusing primarily on the primate slave trade. She also suggested that I research the group that trains monkeys for paraplegic individuals who are fairly debilitated and speak to
them. I misunderstood her, and thought that she was a mean old crow who wanted me to steal a helper monkey from a cripple.

We both laughed heartily. But, I’m still wondering if she also saw that Simpsons episode.

There ya go; I’m a goofy, lazy, cheesy kid. Seriously though, I do try to mix a little bit of game into my cheese. I’m not saying I’m successful by anymeans; but, damn. I think I have had a few, great interactions with people.
(senior citizens are people also guys)

I started talking to her not because of something I said, but because of something she did. Strolling around Petco with my boy, I’m actively searching for the right bag of kitty litter for his blue ‘Frank Sinatra’ eye’d kitty named Frankie. I see her in all of her haggardness and I think about my grandma in St. Louis. I smile at the woman. She smiles back.

Honestly, I’ve never been more conversationally aroused than when a woman of any age, mind you returns a smile.

So, I tell her that. Almost verbatim. My friend doesn’t know why, and I’d be damned if I could provide an algorithm for this, but it worked. We started talking about monkeys, damnit! Monkeys = rapport!

It’s odd; people don’t usually smile back at you when you smile at them. You might get the two-lip cringe coupled with that meaningless nod. I know exactly what I’m talking about, I do that all the damn time.

I’m going to move back a little bit and again try to synthesize why I’m goofy, cheesy, and very damn lazy. I’m a college student. It’s my senior year. School is tough. Class is boring. However, there comes a point when your parents yelling sticks in your ear and you do feel like paying attention. Or, in my case, the hot Asian marketing professor honestly needs to be hit on by some 21.72 year old stallion. I just have to be out of my head if my goofy remarks get any recognition. For me, that depends on energy.

I need energy guys; I lose it very quickly. Going from interaction to interaction, I finally understand how striking up a conversation about any topic just let’s me suck energy out of thin air. I become alert, social, and feel alive. As soon as this became painfully obvious to me, I began speaking all of the individuals who crossed my path in the various hallways, bus routes, or local pet stores whenever they respond to any thing about me.

I thank them for responding to me through whatever nice gesture they give me (usually a smile), and how it HONESTLY has helped my day because I’m about to go to my marketing class on TuTh 1-230PM. They’ve just made me alert for my
class; I’m finally allowed to absorb the immortal gift of knowledge (hey, I consider digits knowledge also). Okay, I don’t try to sound all profound or anything, but I think the genuineness takes care of all profundity.

But, wait folks that’s not all. There’s much, much more to approval giving!

I used to only do this during the day because school sucks the time out of me faster than the energy required to do a pset. Last weekend, I finally went out--after what seems to be year--to an awesome venue here in Boston. I’m walking around some very attractive internationals and I see a very cute 2set of Russians. I give them a huge, porcelain smile so large that my eyes squint, and for me, this is the most important part about getting this to work in a bar I do a ridiculously cheesy hand wave. This isn’t just your normal cheesy hand wave. This is the cheesy hand wave only done by a 6’2, 205lb guy whose hand waves frantically for 3/2 inches at nipple height (you guys are totally smart enough to insert your stats where needed).

The cuter one waves back. To my despise though, it was a normal hand wave. I told myself that I should give her another chance, because you never know who you’ll meet when ;). And I did exactly what I told you earlier, I went up to her and her friend and told her that I really liked how she waved back at me, and that I just got into the bar and I haven’t opened myself up yet, so that was the most homely invitation I’ve ever received. I also started talking to her about people smiling and I made some really bad jokes. They gave me tons of energy. I think they both pity laughed me. Regardless, they earned this lazy assholes SOI that night.

I think the cheesiness works for me, but that’s up to you.

Conversation and Confidence Exercises

2007-02-21T17:21:00.000-08:00

Personal Interview

What if someone wanted to know who you really are? What would they ask you and what would you tell them? These questions are not easy to answer. You have to have a strong lock on who you are, and have to make some decisions about where you are at and where you want to go. These questions will cause you to have to think a LOT about your life; that is the point of this exercise. When you are able to confidently answer all of these questions you will start to see strong gains in confidence and a better self image.

1. What is your passion?
2. Tell me 5 interesting things about you?
3. What makes you really happy?
4. What is one character trait you have that you appreciate about yourself?
5. What are the important things you need in a partner?
6. Why are those things important to you?
7. If someone wrote a list of things about you that fit their needs in a partner, what would they be?
8. What are your dreams for the future?
9. What are 3 defining experiences in your life that have made you who you are?
10. Name 3-5 beliefs you have about yourself that hold you back, and you would like to change.
11. What are your weaknesses and how could each weakness be viewed as a strength?
12. What really scares you about meeting a partner to enter a long term relationship with?
13. What are your assumptions about most of the opposite sex out there and their attainability, worthiness of a relationship, and their thoughts about you?

Five Topics

Think of five different topics you would enjoy talking about, as well as someone of the opposite sex would enjoy talking about. Come up with an open ended question to start you off into that topic. Ex. “What is your relationship situation?” for getting into a talk about relationships.

Emotionally Relating

Make a list of every positive emotion you can think of. For each emotion write down a short headline to a story, moment, or experience, when you felt that emotion.

Story Telling

Write down a story from your experience. Headline it, add emotions, details, and tell it from the “I” perspective. Now take that story and add more emotions and details. Remove extraneous facts and explain how and why you felt those emotions during that time. Keep adding more details and emotions until the story is so expressive you know there isn’t anything else you felt that is not in the story.

Deal-Breakers

What are the things about the opposite sex that are deal-breakers for you? A deal-breaker is any character trait, action, or belief that makes them immediately disqualified from ever being your romantic partner. Here are a few I want you to add to your list

1. Physically abusive
2. Verbally abusive or insulting
3. Lies more than once about anything important. (Or lies frequently about anything)

Don’t list things you think you should; list what you feel strongly about. Remember a deal-breaker is something that if it is revealed, you don’t just walk, you run away. Any present or future romantic relationship with this person is over if a deal-breaker is found.
Also don’t feel bad about adding a deal-breaker that others might not agree with. If you don’t want kids, and you find out that kids are important to your partner, that is a deal-breaker. Don’t expect them to change, either you decide you are truly ok with having kids, or you find someone else.

Pickup Podcast - Interviews Me

2007-02-15T13:11:00.000-08:00

For those of you who want to hear me ramble on a bit more check out Pickup Podcast. They just posted a forty plus minute interview with me ranging from my beginnings to some great tips about Vacuum and Disqualification.

You can also download the podcast directly by either right clicking on this link and save as, or if you have a mac it will play automatically. Episode 7 Interview w/ Social Hitchhiker

Text flirting

2007-02-13T17:11:00.000-08:00

I have to admit it; I am a texting addict. Recently I forgot to take my phone out of my pocket and I put it in the washing machine. With a magic trick using 95% alcohol I revived my phone, however the “3” button containing the letters “d,e & f” , is somewhat inoperable. I am going through text withdrawal like a true addict. One year left in my contract and a five-hour drive to activate a new phone has made me have to cope. The thing I miss most though is text flirting.

Due to being on the road a lot over the last year I have to admit many times I would meet a wonderful woman and not be able to see her in person for sometimes months. I am a phone guy, with my all time record being nine hours on the phone with a girl. Ok that is fairly pathetic, I admit; however if I didn’t like talking I obviously wouldn’t be doing what I do. When I am on the phone, my conversation usually lasts a fair bit. I often don’t have time to talk on the phone and that is where texting comes in.

Rule #1 Don’t use sarcasm, and if you tease be sure you pull them back in or let them know you are teasing.

I start my texting off with a fun playful vibe and use light innuendo.

Me: How was your night? Mine was fun, though I am just glad I didn’t end up naked in jail.

Her: Good, although your night sounds more fun!

Me: Sure, figures the thought of me naked behind bars is your idea of fun.

Her: Hmm now that does sound fun.

Me: Well, ok, but I insist we make copies of the key. You would probably abuse that situation way too much!

Her: That’s no fun. What, you don’t trust me?

Me: Hell no, not when it comes to my nakedness. I’m just not the kind of guy that likes to be taken advantage of. Ok, actually I really am.

Rule #2 It is ok to be very sexual over text, as long as you don’t make her to commit to it in real life or make her think that is all you want.

Me: You were pretty hot last night. Those sexy legs kept distracting me from just how interesting you really are. What are you up to right now?

Her: I am at work

Me: Really and are your co-workers able to appreciate just how sexy your legs are?

Her: Well actually I am wearing a skirt. My legs are crossed and I am trying to not get too turned on by all this flirting.

Me: Ya that would be awful if I told you what I would want to do to you in that skirt on your desk.

Her: You might just get these sexy legs of mine wrapped around you. OMG did I just say that?

Me: And all I can think about is looking down at you while your legs are on my shoulders while I am having sex with you on your desk.

Her: OMG I am so turned on right now, not fair!! I’m at work!

The anonymity of texting is a girl’s best friend. They will often be far more sexual in text than in real life. Women can get downright dirty in text. The key is finding that moment when she is making an innuendo and being a bit more forward. That is your cue to take the ball and run with it.

Rule #3 Make major escalations in text flirting right after she flirts back.

I look at text flirting like fishing a bit. I cast the bait by saying slightly flirtatious statements and wait for her to bite. When she does, then I take it to the next level. If she doesn’t bite, the statements are kept innocent. Each time she takes my bait I notch it up a level.

Rule #4 Never apologize if she brings up how sexual you are.

If she comments about you being sexual (but does not ask you to stop), admit that is the way you are and don’t be apologetic. What will get you in trouble is if you are being sexual and asking her to agree to be sexual with you. For example:

“I totally want to touch you in inappropriate places, where would you like me to touch you?”

If you are mis-calibrated with this statement it will feel like you are coming on too strong. Instead try something like this:

“I totally want to touch you in inappropriate places, but I can’t tell you that; especially since that is really hard to do over text. So how is work going today?

Both take some calibration to use correctly but the latter asks for no commitment to being sexual or returning that. The thing that makes you come off creepy, and way too overtly sexual, is showing neediness and being approval seeking when flirting.

To learn more about texting and how not to come off inappropriate, needy, or creepy, check out the companion podcast Texting Women also as a special bonus, Kory’s Patented technique for making a conversation sexual.

Smash V-day in the face with a pillow!

2007-02-13T13:42:00.000-08:00

It’s not Valentine’s Day, it’s
PILLOW FIGHT
Day!

Where: Justin Herman Plaza (Market & Embarcadero), San Francisco, CA.

When: Wednesday, February 14th, when the Ferry Building clock strikes 6pm.

What: PILLOW FIGHT!!!

How:

1) Tell everyone you know about Pillow Fight!

2) Tell EVERYONE YOU KNOW about Pillow Fight!!!

3) Nothing in your pillow but pillow.

4) Don’t hit anyone with out a pillow.

5) Don’t hit anyone operating a camera.

Last year’s Pillow Fight was *amazing*! Let’s make the magic happen again! Please bring a few trash bags to share and help pick up after wards.

Phone Game & Dating

2007-02-06T11:14:00.000-08:00

Here is the promised podcast as a companion to the two part Phone Game posts.

Phone Game and Dating

FR: Meeting Me (A Female Perspective)

2007-02-05T00:26:00.000-08:00

So here is something i have yet to see in the community. I asked my ex-girlfriend to write a field report about meeting me and what her thoughts, feelings, and impressions were. I was quite impressed with the end product, and I think it gives a very different perspective than most of the field reports out there written by a guy. The interesting thing is in the three plus months we were together she learned quite a bit about what i do and the various methods i teach, in fact, much more than i realized until I read the way she wrote this report. So enjoy!

How I met Dan

It was 2 am and the bars were closed. My girlfriend and I were standing outside talking to some people we had just met and she looks across the street and sees Judson, this guy who she had met and connected really well with earlier in the evening. She calls his name and he comes over running in slow motion with his arms wide open preparing to embrace her like in those cheesy romantic movies. After they embrace he asked us what we were up to, then his friend comes walking up to us slowly and he introduces us to him. With a friendly smile his friend puts out his hand and says "Hi, I’m Dan.". When he shook my hand he sandwiched it with his other hand. It caught my attention because it was different, than most people’s single-handed handshake. The combination of his smile, unique handshake, and how he leaned into me slightly, gave me a good vibe. I didn’t think much about him at that point. He’s tall, with a good build, a nice looking face, big eyes and he was very well dressed. At this time I had just got out of a 6 year relationship 9 months before and I wasn’t looking for a date or a relationship. I didn’t have an agenda.

We all stood around trying to figure out what we were going to do while having light surface conversation and banter. My girlfriend commented on Dan’s expensive designer jeans and he then bent over to show us and my girlfriend playfully smacked his butt. We all laughed then somehow Dan and I started talking about He-Man and Skeletor and all the other characters in the cartoon. It was silly. It was late and seeing that we were having fun we didn’t want it to end so we decided to go to an after hours club.

We piled into my girlfriend’s car and decided to make a pit stop for doughnuts. We got to the 24-hour doughnut shop and three of us got a doughnut except for Dan. He can’t have sugar, or at least not a lot. He explained to me why and I tried to tempt him to take a bite and he refused. I was a little surprised. When I’ve tried tempting guys to do things they’re against they’ll usually fold and do it so they seem cool, easy going and think it’ll get me to like them. But because Dan refused it gave me a sense that he really values himself and has his priorities set straight and won’t compromise much to make others like him. I really respected that. But he did flirt a little by saying he would lick the sugar off my fingers and it took away the shock of his initial refusal and kind of pulled me back in.

Back into the car we continue our journey. We parked the car and walked to the club. On the way I took out a cigarette; Dan asked if he could bum one and of course I let him. It was my second to last one, and normally I don’t like to give out my cigarettes when it leaves me with one left, but I did to Dan. Maybe it was a subconscious sign that I liked him. We get in line and while we’re waiting he comments on my turquoise earrings and said "I really like your earrings. I like the turquoise. They reflect your personality well." I said "Thanks." and my girlfriend told him that was a cheesy line. We laughed and I felt kinda bad because he was being nice and I had made those earrings myself so it was a nice compliment. When we got closer to the door there was a trash can near it and Dan opened up the cigarette box and dumped out his cigarette butt into his hand. He said he didn’t like to throw cigarette butts on the street and stressed that it’s his own morals, and he doesn’t impose that on anyone else. While it made me feel a little bad because I had thrown mine on the street and I was a little embarrassed that I did something he didn’t approve of. At the same time it made me realize that this guy is respectful, he does care about the environment and has a nature-loving side to him. He’s a little earthy. At one point he did say he was a hippie incognito. That cracked me up.

When we finally get to the front door we had to pay the $15 dollar cover charge and show our I.D.s. Right before walking into the club I asked Dan if he could hold my I.D., cash and cigarettes in his pocket. He said "I’m not going to hold everything for you." Again, I was surprised like in the doughnut situation. I’m used to of having guys being willing to do things for me where I expected Dan would hold my things for me. So when he said he wouldn’t hold everything it caught me off guard. It was a little asshole-ish, but it showed me he was nice but he wasn’t going to let someone walk all over him. It also pushed me away a little but at the same time it gave me a challenge. Even though I didn’t know him and wasn’t interested in him it still made me want him to like me. He did end up holding all my things because I didn’t have any pockets.

As soon as we walked in we went straight to the dance floor and danced to old 80's classics under colorful lights. After a little while of dancing we all decided to take a break and cool off. We chatted for a bit then my girlfriend and Judson decided to take off to be alone. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a pool table and asked Dan if he played. He did so we headed over to the pool table. There were other people in line ahead of us so we went outside and shared my last cigarette while we waited.

Our conversation started off with us talking about his clothes. He’s a very sharp dresser and appreciates quality clothes. Style is important to me being in the fashion industry and especially when I see that a guy has great style it’s definitely a turn on. He scored major points there. Soon after he asked me what I was passionate about. I told him music and he put the vacuum on me. I’ll never forget that. He had this intense stare after I said the word "music". He didn’t take his eyes off me and there was this uncomfortable silence. Immediately I felt my answer wasn’t good enough and that I had to elaborate. So I told him how it made me feel and why music was important to me. By him vacuuming me, I felt like I had to talk more and that he expected a good answer, not just a one word answer and that he was worth a good answer. Even though it did make me uncomfortable it also made me feel he was listening and that he cared about what I had to say. So I elaborated and the conversation continued. Then he asked me what I did for a living. I told him I’m a jewelry designer and he asked me what’s it like to design jewelry. I briefly explained to him the creative process and he SOI’d me by saying "I think that’s really sexy how creative you are." I was surprised. I’ve never had anyone tell me that me being creative was sexy. Right then I knew he was a little interested in me. It made me think a bit about our interaction differently and where this was going to lead. It didn’t make me uncomfortable, it was a subtle way of expressing that he’s attracted to me without being sleazy.

I asked him what he did for a living and he told me. I didn’t understand at first but then he explained and we got into a conversation about it. I told him I found it really interesting and that it must be amazing to do what he’s doing and he kept disqualifying, [saying something like "Thanks, but really sometimes I can barely talk to the lady who sells me stamps in the morning."] which made him seem real and that he wasn’t trying to be perfect. Soon after our turn was up for the table. We played a quick game he beat me and commented on how well I played. Usually I win, he got lucky that night. Then we went back to the bench we were sitting on earlier. Wet sat for a while and watched the interesting crowd on the dance floor.

While we sat and people watched there was a moment of silence between us and Dan put his soft hand on my leg. I wasn’t sure if I was uncomfortable with it, but not enough to make me tell him to move it. I was a little nervous but at the same time I felt good about him. Then next thing I know I feel his finger on my chin turning my head towards him. He kissed me passionately, our lips locked and our tongues danced, it was amazing. There was no way I couldn’t kiss him back, he was that good. When we finished there was a huge grin on my face.

After sitting in silence grinning for a bit, I mention that I still wanted to dance but I wasn’t going to go alone. Then Dan grab’s my hand and leads me to the dance floor. I thought that was very sweet and cute how he did that. The music had changed to a weird electronic techno and Dan was being silly, he was making me laugh. That’s so important to me and it tells me he’s comfortable in his own skin to be goofy that way. I don’t like it when guys try to be cool all the time. It makes me want to say "Give me a break." The music was weird so we stopped and walked over to my girlfriend and Judson who finally reappeared out of nowhere. I went to the bar to get some water and because the music was so loud the bartender couldn’t hear me so I had to bend over and lean in a little to talk to him. I was wearing a micro-mini skirt that night and my friend said that she could see up my skirt when I bent over and Dan was flirting by saying "Darn, I missed it." A little later he escalated and told me I had sexy legs. By this time I had a good idea he was sexually attracted to me. I was still a little shy, a bit reserved and I still wasn’t thinking of being intimate with him even though we had kissed. I had my guard up and wasn’t really interested in any kind of relationship whether it was intimate or casual.

I wanted to have a cigarette but I was out. Some people were smoking on the outside patio and I told Dan to go ask them for a cigarette since he’s the social coach and plus I was a bit shy to ask. He was confident and went right up to some people and came back with a cigarette. He was my hero. He lead us to these two chairs and placed them right next to each other and suggested we sit down. We chat some more about his job. I was still trying to understand what he did, I thought I understood it but I couldn’t believe it. He continues to explain while disqualifying at the same time. We kissed some more, as he caressed my legs my heart was pounding. I couldn’t believe I was doing this with someone I just met that night. But Dan made me feel comfortable and important by showing genuine interest in me.

Soon after Judson and my girlfriend showed up saying that they wanted to leave. By this time it was 6:00 am and I didn’t feel tired at all. I was having such a good time I didn’t realize how late it was. So off to the car we went to take the boys back to their hotel. In the car Dan and I exchanged phone numbers. I didn’t think he was going to call, not because he seemed flaky but because I wasn’t looking for anything I didn’t commit to him. We arrive at their hotel, exchanged hugs and said good night. When I first met Dan I didn’t think much of him, but when he left he got me thinking about him. It was the first time in almost a year that I was interested in a quality guy.

The following afternoon he called me and asked if I wanted to meet for a beer before his flight took off. I agreed and we met an hour later. It was funny, when I arrived at the hotel I was waiting in my car for a long time and he finally called and asked where I was. I told him I was at the hotel waiting in my car and it turned out we were on opposite ends of the hotel waiting for each other. He found me and greeted me with a huge smile and hug. We drove to the W Hotel and had a drink there. It was nice to see him in the daytime. He looked really cute and stylish. I was nervous and giddy inside but he made me comfortable and got me to laugh. Our conversation didn’t feel forced or dry, it was perfect. We both asked questions and answered questions, he disqualified plenty. It was a balanced exchange. He flirted with me lightly and mentioned how shy and reserved I was the night before. That immediately made me feel I had to prove him wrong and show that I wasn’t this shy and reserved girl he thought I was. I got a little defensive and flirtatious and said I wasn’t and that I do have a wild side and I’m not the kind of girl he thinks I am. Then he challenged me and said that I would have to show him that side the next time we see each other. That got me more interested in him and made me want to see him again for another date.

We only met for about an hour and it was time to go. The bill came and I insisted on paying. I don’t like it when guys pay for my drinks or dinner on the first date. I don’t want to feel like I owe them something. Even if it’s with someone like Dan. I offered him a ride to the airport and when we arrived we hugged goodbye and kissed. He started to walk away and I had to pull him back in for another one. He made me feel wonderful, appreciated and beautiful that I didn’t want to say goodbye. I was definitely looking forward to the next time we could meet. All the flirty texts and calls I received in the meantime, made me wonder what our next meeting would be like. I was not disappointed, it turned out to be quite a spicy night the next time I saw him. The rest is history.

Phone Game II

2007-01-31T18:41:00.000-08:00

So you got her phone number, you followed the first installment of the phone game sequence, and she answers, now what?

This is where you begin, as with any interaction, with the method. The six steps remember of Charisma Arts method are: Open, Get Commitment, Establish Rapport, Get Info, SOI, and Close.

Open

Whoever answers greet them with her name, “Hi Susan!”

No need to say who you are because her phone has your name in it and already told her what your name is. If it is a guy that answers do the same thing. This creates a sense of familiarity. He will likely just hand the phone to her thinking you are a close friend who expected her to answer her own phone. If you ask if she is there, then he may just ask her like this, “Uh hold on I’ll see if she is around. Who is this? Hey Susan, some guy named Dan is on the phone, do you want to take it or should I tell him you are busy?”

Not the best impression eh? Also if she answers and you ask her if Susan is there, it sets up the feeling of being strangers.

Get Commitment

Once you get her on the phone it is time to get commitment to the interaction. Start off asking, “What are you doing right now?”

If she tells you something like watching her kid brother, tell her you will call her back when she is done. This shows you expect her full attention and is very high value. I don’t like to talk to people while they are distracted and in turn I try not to be doing anything but talking if I am on the phone. No checking email or watching TV when I am having a conversation. If she says she is just watching TV then say, “Can you turn it off or put it aside for five minutes?”

I expect someone’s full attention when I talk to them; I don’t want to waste my time talking to someone who is distracted. This is how I get commitment.

Establish Rapport

Whether you are a phone person or not it is good to chat just a bit to remind her just how different your conversational style is. Relating and Appreciating her a bit will do just that. If you are not good on the phone you can keep this to a minimum, but you should do a bit.

Get Info

Ask her, “So what’s happened since the last time we’ve talked?”

This is an important step because you don’t know if she got back together with her ex, or her mom died, she’s going in for surgery, or something else that would affect how you interact with her. It would be a shame to go out with her and then at the end of the date she finally gets the nerve up to tell you she just got back together with her ex. Depending on the answer you will know whether you need to take it slower and schedule things around her moms funeral, or whether you can slide a date in the next couple days.

SOI

Time to make sure she knows why you are asking her out. Promise me you won’t skip this step otherwise you will likely be stuck dog sitting for her poodle on a Saturday night instead of going out with her. The word is Sexy and there is no other word. If you are having trouble SOI’ng her in your conversation, then try doing it in a more playful way. Say, “So what are you wearing right now?”

Guaranteed she will say something un-sexy like a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie. You then say, “Ooooh I can definitely use my imagination there, very sexy.”

This is a fun way to do it because it is goofy and so cheesy it comes off well.

Close

Time to set a date. Offer her up a time and day; don’t ask. She will let you know if it won’t work. For example:

You: Ok I think we should get together, you are too much fun. Thursday at 9pm I’ll meet you down at the 3rd street pub and we’ll grab a beer.

Her: I actually can’t that day.

You: That’s cool, well that means it is your turn to propose a day and time. I don’t know you well enough to give you a weekend night, you are going to have to ask really nicely if you want me to yourself on a Friday or Saturday.

Her: Well then, I’d be honored if you joined me for a drink on Sunday night at 8pm. Hopefully that will fit into your busy schedule Mr. Popular.

Me: Sounds good. I’ll see you then.

Want to hear more on dating and what to do on dates, as well as a bit more on phone game? Listen to the accompanying podcast on Phone Game and Dating. Coming Soon!

FR: Meeting Confidence

2007-01-24T16:56:00.000-08:00

Meeting Confidence

So I usually don’t write field reports because I find them more an exercise in self-aggrandizing than actually any help to people. However this is an experience that I found really fun and has led me to someone I am really interested in yet could have never attracted in the past. Hopefully you can see how I implement the Charisma Arts method in this interaction.

My clients this last weekend opened up a group of four girls and in very little time were connecting and having a lot of fun talking to all of them. I in my usual fashion look most of the time like a complete loser standing on the outskirts being anti-social. Of course that is mainly because I am observing and want to give my whole attention to my clients rather than get into conversations with people that will just distract me from my job at hand.

After about one or two hours of talking to them, the most confident beautiful girl of the group, asks my clients why I am sitting all the way over there and not talking with them. She had already figured out I was connected to the guys in some way. She with an enticing come hither hand gesture, motions me to join them. I look at her for a second and ignore her and turn back to one of the alumni that was out with us that night. She now decides to rectify the situation by marching directly over and asking us why we weren’t joining our friends and her group, and why we were just sitting here alone. I immediately Disqualify and say with a sly grin and a tone that says I’m full of it, “Ya, I enjoy being kind of a loser like that, I’m not a very social guy.”

In a way it was actually true because I didn’t want to have her trying to win me over and ignore my clients; too late. She laughs and starts talking to us. She comes off very confident and starts giving me shit. I throw it right back at her with a push pull, “You certainly are overconfident, [pause] I kind of like that though.”

She says with a smile “you are pretty funny.” I of course disqualify “Thanks, but you should catch me on a Thursday, not so funny on weekdays.”

At this point my friend from that city joins us. He is a complete natural and is immediately being charming and flirting with her. One of my other clients who was not interested in her but was enjoying the banter joins in as well. So here there are three guys including myself teasing and flirting with her and she is just eating up the attention. My competitive streak comes out against my buddy the natural, and I knew we were all being entertaining and charming and she could be attracted to any one of us at this point. I pull out the big guns and connect on a deeper level.

I spread my hands like I am pushing my way through a crowd and say, “While this is all fun and good, its all fluff. I want to know something real about you. What is something that you are passionate about?”

A bit taken aback by the change in conversation, she pauses for a second but without missing a beat says, “traveling, I just got back from Europe after four months there.”

I say, “That’s really cool, I can definitely see how passionate you are about it. I like that about you. Ok, so in every trip there is always a defining moment that sticks with me and is the most intense memorable moment in my trip. What is yours?”

She tells me a great story about her trip in Italy and how incredible she felt there. Then she gets distracted by our group and is about to walk back over to her friends for a moment. I simply say as she is about to walk away “don’t forget I still owe you mine.”

I sit where I was, I knew she’d be back; after a few moments she comes right over to our group ignoring everyone else. She puts her elbows on the high bar table and leans in toward me. “Ok your turn.”

“Mine is sitting in the hammock looking out over the sand in Costa Rica. As each wave comes rolling in, the sound of white noise washes over me and reminds me of the pure bliss I was experiencing. My muscles ached from too much surfing and all I could do was just sit in the hammock and relax, taking it all in.”

Walking over to my side of the table she says “Ok I’ve GOTTA get your email”

I of course use this as a chance to get her phone number as well and we exchange information. Seeing that she closed me I hadn’t even had time to SOI her, after she got my number and we speak a bit I say, “You know your confidence and passion is really quite sexy, I like that about you.”

The real funny thing is that she had been SOI’d by one of my clients just a bit before and she comments how funny that she hears that twice in one night.

She goes back to being a social butterfly and one of my clients suggests we go to another bar. It is getting late and we are close to wrapping up. The clients invite the girls to the next bar as well. When we get to the other bar one of my clients decides to call it a night just a bit early. I spend about fifteen minutes talking with him outside after everyone went in. Who of course shows up to check on me? Miss Confidence is there, checking to see if I am coming in. I bid my client a goodnight and head down into the bar with her.

When we get down to where the others are, I of course see my other client in the group having a great time. She tells me to sit in her seat and she go grabs another chair and puts it on my left just a bit outside of the group and starts talking to me.

We chat a bit and somehow it comes up that I love to cuddle. She playfully asks me how good of a cuddler I am. I tell her “I am way too boney to be a good cuddler. My shoulder is like sleeping on a pointy rock.”

She puts her head on my shoulder and wraps herself around me, “yup feels good to me, I bet you are a good cuddler.”

After a moment she stands up and leads me to a bench seat in the bar a bit away from the group. She starts getting very interested in me and we touching and caressing each other’s hands. Earlier in the night when we were all flirting with her she kept saying she has a rule that she doesn’t kiss people in bars, also that she doesn’t sleep with people until she knows them very well. She again brings this kissing rule up and I decide to have a little fun with it. I say, “ya it’s really too bad you have this kissing rule I guess I’ll only be able to do this to you” as I push her hair aside and lightly bite her on the neck.

As I pull back I say “but that might be way too close to kissing so I don’t think I should do that either.” I return the conversation to finding things interesting about her and appreciating how uniquely confident and assertive she is.

Later I say, “ya, I’m really getting turned on by you and this whole kissing rule is definitely problematic”

She starts talking about her rule again and I stop her in mid sentence. “I’ve got a rule too!” I look her straight in the eyes and pause. She looks at me a bit shocked and apprehensive.

I tell her “See I would love to kiss you right now but I can’t because the bartender is watching.”

As I glance over at the bartender who is clearly not looking over at us, she starts to say something and I turn back to her look deeply in her eyes and tilt my head a bit just inches away from her lips. Then I pull away and look down as I say, “I just can’t, I think the bartender is looking again, it’s my rule.”

She starts to try to point out the bartender isn’t watching again, when I just start kissing her.

After kissing for a while I start to gather information on who is driving who and after a bit of a challenging set of logistics I just am blunt, “So you are either going to come over to my hotel or I’m coming to your house, how are we going to make this happen?”

After a bit of discussion we decide I’m going to drive with her to drop her friends and roommate off at her place, grab her snowboard and come back with me to my hotel.

The rest is history. No she didn’t have sex with me that night but we definitely had some fun until five in the morning when we finally fell asleep in each other’s arms.

Phone Game, Part I

2007-01-22T11:49:00.000-08:00

I realized yesterday as we finished up another successful workshop, that no where has there ever been a published piece on the current complete Charisma Arts phone game method. So here is to remedy this. If you are having flaking problem, this WILL reduce your flakes.

Getting the Number

Remember never to ask, make a statement. “Hey, I’ve had a really nice time talking with you, here’s my phone. Put your number in.”

Then the most important part is to call her immediately and get her to put your name in her phone. “Here now I’ll call you so you have my number, my name is spelled D-A-N.”

Texting That Night

So here is another tip. Text her that you enjoyed talking with her about ______, and you will call her at a specific time and date a day or two from then; text this after you get home or the next morning. Almost without fail you will get a text back from her before that time. Call her immediately, she will probably answer right there. If not continue on to phone game.

Four Calls to Flake

First call early evening, “Hey Susan, it’s Dan. I really enjoyed meeting you on Friday and talking about [whatever you talked about with her], I’ll try you back at 9:30pm [or any time later that night].

Second call (not at 9:30 to the second, give or take 5 min), “Hey Susan, it’s Dan. I guess I missed you tonight; I’ll try you later in the week. Talk to you then.”

Third call about two days later, “Hey Susan, it’s Dan. Just wanted to give a quick call and see what you are up to. I’ll try you back tonight at 9:00. Catch you then.”

Fourth and final call, “Hey Susan, it’s Dan. Well it looks like I keep missing you. If you ever want to hang out some time give me a call [with a tone of finality], my number is 555-555-55555. Maybe I’ll see you around.”

So there it is, the first part of phone game. Next installment is what to do when she answers.

The Friend Zone

2007-01-15T13:44:00.000-08:00

I have some bad news. You are not the perfect guy. You can’t get any woman you want. NO ONE can. Sure the best Pick up artists out there are so good that they can manipulate a large percentage of women into falling for them temporarily. Why only Five for Five? Because even if Mystery achieves his elusive goal there will be a woman who will quickly step up that he can’t seduce. The idea you can have any woman you want is an illusion. Sorry to burst your bubble, you might just have to stop looking for that perfect seduction method or technique.

Maybe the first thing you need to do is write off that girl who put you in the friend zone. You can’t have her; she already let you know that. SHE put you in to the friend zone, it is pretty clear you aren’t going to change her mind. I mean come on really, how long have you been pining over her?

More often than I like to admit I get emails asking me how to get a certain girl that a guy has been wanting for a long time. I do my spiel on making sure you put the interaction on the line, call her sexy (SOI her) and start using sexual barriers. Technically if you could lose your agenda to have her, and stop putting her so high on a pedestal, yes that is how you would get out of the friend zone. I’ve yet to hear it work for any of my clients. Not because it isn’t possible to get out of the friend zone, it is because they can’t lose their agenda and see her as a normal human being. It is a case of oneitis. I see great guys who are very smooth with women do the stupidest things around their oneitis. The community advice is go fuck ten other women. This might be a spot where I agree with their crude but sound advice.

The fact is some women aren’t going to fall in love with you. Live with that. It doesn’t mean you aren’t desirable or an attractive person. It means you didn’t fit her qualifications. Get over it.

So now I’ve just belittled your undying love for this woman and you are left hoping I’m wrong. I’ve dashed your fantasy of having any woman you want, and you probably doubt your ability to get ANY woman at all. Sorry I didn’t mean to do that. So what next?

What is left is to start being happy with whom you are. Take a month off the community, don’t hang out with that “friend” your pining over and in fact maybe don’t date for a month. Call up every guy friend you have (outside the community) and hang out with them. What, you don’t have any? Well this is your month to make them. Enroll in some new classes in whatever you might like. Hell, do things you don’t know if you like and have never tried. Go to the gym regularly. This is the month to get you happy with yourself. One of the reasons women don’t like you is you don’t really even like yourself. Don’t even think of staying in and having a pity party. Have fun without women, period.

At the end of your month, return to the dating scene with a vengeance; get out there and start dating anyone. Just start dating. However don’t drop the new friends you’ve made and new hobbies you’ve started. Be passionate about life and make dating only ONE part of it. Don’t get caught up with one woman, there are too many out there. Hey, and if you haven’t noticed since after your month off, you are a lot more attractive to all of them.

If you can forget about the girl who put you in the friend zone, and stop pining over her, she might just change her mind about you. Don’t count on it, don’t try for it; instead if she comments on all the women you are dating your reply should be “don’t be jealous, you had your chance.” And mean it! She was the one who put you in the friend zone, now it is your turn to put her there and make her wonder why you don’t want her anymore. You can’t fake this; you actually have to move on. It might help to think of all the things you don’t like about her and stop thinking she is a perfect angel. Knock her off your pedestal in your mind. You can do better than her and you should go out and get that.

Once you’ve had women more beautiful and more fun than her, maybe when you are single again, she will finally be obtainable again. Only because you know you have choice and confidence.

So my answer to the friend zone is give up on her. She really isn’t worth this much mental and emotional energy. There are other better women out there. I know, I pass on amazing women in lots of cities all the time. I don’t do long distance no matter how wonderful a woman is. No matter how many times I have found the perfect woman, I always seem to find more of them. I look back at those perfect women of my AFC days and realize I have dated and dumped women better than that. You will find better too.

Sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear, but it is what you need to hear. Stop keeping your balls in a box on the shelf when it comes to that “friend” and move on.

Learn True Commitment

2007-01-11T20:14:00.000-08:00

Ok this blog is your experience. It is your chance to see some of the most powerful flirting techniques ever discovered. Go out and practice this one otherwise it will seem too simple and easy.

1. Go out and manhug 3 strange men. Walk up to them as if you know them and man hug them. When they say they don’t know you, you can then realize it and just introduce yourself and have a quick conversation. I am serious about this, it seems stupid but every client I have do this says it was really remarkable how much commitment it took. That is the amount of commitment you should be applying to every interaction

2. Your new approach to women in a bar. I want you to spend some time looking around the bar with a smile on your face. When you catch the eye of a woman don’t break eye contact no matter what. Smile bigger and make the commitment to walk over directly while trying to keep eye contact the whole way. The commitment starts at eye contact and a smile, not two feet away. Commit to talking to her from across the bar. Every step is your approach with a warm vibe. Conclude the opening with “Hi I’m ______”. That is the end of opening, not the beginning. It all starts with eye contact and a smile.

That is it. Go try it and tell me about how different things went.

Notes on Texting

2007-01-05T13:11:00.000-08:00

Texting I have to say is one of the best technologies besides the cell phone to affect social interaction in a long time. Women are absolutely addicted to it and rarely let a message go by without answering them. You can use this to your advantage if you know why and how text is so addictive, as well as the limitations inherent in it.

The reason texting is so addictive is because it is literally the least intrusive, least demanding form of communication ever created. It can be answered quickly, discreetly in public, and most importantly, it doesn’t commit you to communicating with anyone for a certain period of time. Email is also like this but the longer the email the more I feel I have to write in response. Texts are never very long so are easy to respond to without committing a lot of my precious time. I know when I get a text I may spend more time typing out a message on my cell phone than just calling the person back, but I know I won’t have to be stuck on the phone longer than I choose. That is a very addictive thing. Communication using text feels like it is on my terms, and it feels like that for the other person too.

Learning to text with women is important. Beware though that without tone, intonation, body language, and facial expression there is a lot that is lot and can be misinterpreted. I am careful to never tease too much or say something that could be misinterpreted.

If you are not a fluent texter yet you can still take advantage of this technology. The trick is that if a woman texts you back, you can call her. She almost always answers because she knows you caught her with her phone. Or she will make an excuse why she can’t talk. I text women the first night I meet them when I get home before I go to bed. I often will get a reply and get to talk to them that very night.

My first text is simply “It was nice meeting you tonight, I enjoyed talking about______. I’ll give you a call Tue at 6:30pm.” Use proper English and don’t be tempted to use text speak. It tells a lot more about you that you took the time to write things out. Almost always after the first text she will text me before that time and date. Then I call her when she replies.

There are some important limitations to text as well. I NEVER ask for commitment over text. I don’t ask her out on a date, I don’t ask her to save a night for me, I don’t text someone I haven’t talked to in a while to get in touch again. Also I don’t make outright invitations for sex over text. Make the phone call. Use text to initiate conversations, not to ask for her to commit to something with you, phones are better for that. Women feel if you are asking something of them (booty call, a date, drinks, for them to call you) you should ask them personally on the phone. They see you taking the coward’s way out if you ask them out over text.

Text can turn a flake into a day 2, it can be a great way to flirt, and it can be a nice way to keep in communication with several women without having to call them all to “chat”. Just know its limitations. Be a man and if you are going to ask something of a woman do it over the phone, not text.

Living Unapologetically

2007-01-01T15:46:00.000-08:00

Ok, this is a call to all of you nice guys! Suck it up and stop being so apologetic! The only thing that prevents you from being successful with women is you are so worried about gaining her approval. I can be the sweetest, kindest, most generous, sensitive man around AND be successful. You can too! You don’t have to be an asshole to be good with women. What it takes is confidence! The first step is stop being so damn apologetic!

Women like nice guys, a LOT. She just wishes they would be more confident and stop putting her up on a pedestal. Stop doing nice things for her to get her to like you. I don’t care how intelligent, handsome, good in bed, and successful you are. If you use those things to try to impress her and get her to like you, you will come off as approval seeking. What is even worse is if you apologize for just about anything you do. I’m not talking a simple courtesy when you spill something, bump into someone, etc. Don’t apologize for not calling, don’t apologize for being late, don’t apologize for your life or what you do. If you are actually sorry then don’t do it again. The most important thing is the attitude not the words. I do say sorry when I am late, however it is only courtesy. I don’t go on an on, or explain myself beyond a simple statement of the situation. Be proud of who you are, what you do, and most importantly your weaknesses. Don’t apologize for them.

Listen in an average day how many times you apologize. How many of those times are a simple courteous “Sorry” and how many times is it you supplicating and putting yourself down or below the person? I have rarely heard very confident people apologize outside of courtesy. Why should they? Apologies mean shit. If you are sorry do things differently. Don’t live apologetically. Live confidently and let others deal with who you are. I’m not saying don’t be sensitive or nice, I’m saying take peoples feelings in account but if you want to go out and you miss a phone call from someone, don’t apologize for living your life and being busy. Stop apologizing for who you are.

There are two types of people I really respect, genuinely kind people and assholes. Why assholes? Because I know where they stand and they tell me like it is bluntly. I don’t have to guess to their motivations. Genuinely kind people I respect because I know they are kind because they want to be, not in a way to gain my approval. The self-proclaimed “nice guys” usually are only nice because they want people to like them or want something from someone. Be nice because that is who you are, not because you want anything from anyone. If you buy a dinner for someone, do it because you want to and would be fine if they got up in the middle and left.

All of this game comes down to not being approval seeking. I don’t apologize for who I am because I don’t need anyone’s approval. Living confidently and unapologetically is what will attract people to you more than anything else.

Understanding Men and Dating

2007-01-01T13:44:00.000-08:00

Ok this post is for my female readership or any guy who knows a woman who needs some dating help. I am beginning this group for women. Please send anyone my way that might benefit from some dating help.

Want to understand Men and Dating better? Join our group!

• Ever wonder what men are thinking?
• Wish you had someone who could really tell you what was going on with that guy who confused the hell out of you?
• Ever wished you could know the secret techniques Pickup Artists use on you so you don’t get taken advantage of?
• Are you an extremely successful woman at dating and would like to share the secret of your success with other women?
• How about having a personal dating coach to help you be able to meet and attract men that you are really interested in?

We would like to invite you to a revolutionary women’s group led by a man. Learn about how men think from a man who has worked with hundreds of men teaching them how to date women. What does a straight man know about dating men? He knows how men think, why they do what they do, and what makes them attracted to women. He also knows the secret techniques men use to manipulate women.

Group Goals:

1. Learn specific conversational skills to make you more charismatic with anyone, not just men.
2. Explore your dating potential in a group setting with support and feedback from a professional dating coach and other women working at the same thing.
3. Understand men better so you can understand how to make it work with the guys you are really interested in.
4. Learn experientially how to be more successful instead of just discussing it, by going out to social environments with a supportive group.

The best part, is this group is not a money making venture! This is a focus group intended to explore the ways to make all women more successful in their social lives and dating. Senior Instructor from Charisma Arts (charismaarts dot com) Dan, is running this group as an independent focus group that will eventually become a course to help many other women become more successful. This course has no cost associated with it. Donations will be accepted with no recommended amount. Nor is it mandatory to donate. This is not about the money; it is about you becoming successful. Your success will pave the way for future courses to teach other women to create successful social lives and have the skills to be successful in their romantic lives. In fact, women who join this group will be considered for future instructors.

There are limited spaces for this group to ensure personalized help. If you are interested contact Dan at dan@charismaarts.com with answers to the following questions:

1. Briefly (yes I mean a couple paragraphs) your dating and relationship history.
2. Tell me about dating and social skills you are good at.
3. Tell me something interesting about yourself.
4. What would you like to get out of a group like this?
5. Are Sunday afternoons and Thursday evenings free for you?

San Francisco residents only please!

Oh and btw for community guys reading this yes i will be telling these women about all the techniques out there. Get over it. If you don't like it try a method that doesn't involve routines or manipulative techniques.

Vote for Juggler!

2006-12-31T11:42:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone, a post over at Attraction Chronicles Blog is asking to vote for the best dating coach of 2006. Well despite my dissapointment of not making the list ;-P Wayne (Juggler) is on the list and I want to encourage any and all of you to go vote.

Despite the blog in my opinion being shameless in over advertising and posting stuff to increase the enrollment in Schools of which Donovon is an affiliate of, I'm all for a good poll.

So go let him know who your favorite coach (or company represented by the coach).

http://attraction-chronicles.blogspot.com/2006/12/top-dating-coach-of-2006.html

Dating multiple people

2006-12-29T09:54:00.000-08:00

So here is a post i wrote on the Alumni Board in response to someone asking about my statment "Remember dating multiple people also means some women won't accept it and there is nothing you can do about that." It sums up my take on this subject.

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I do know most women don't like when I tell them I date other women. That is why I say it in a way that keeps things a touch vague and open for changing that. "I've been dating a couple people but nothing serious." is what i say after she enquires to my relationship status. I try to do that the first night i meet them. Then I don't talk about it anymore. If she brings it up I am honest but i try not to make it definitive. Most women want to know there is a chance with you. If you are dating other people and say something like "I'm not into a serious relationship right now", they may not be into that either but not having that option is a turn off for them.

It's about understanding how women interperet different statments. I asked a lot of female friends about this subject and got their translations.

"I've been dating a couple people but nothing serious."
Translation: He is single, has options and is still on the market but i may have competition.

"I'm not into a serious relationship right now"
Translation: He just wants to sleep around and won't likely commit to a relationship.

One leaves options open, the other is a hard one to work around. If i say the first then I have been honest and clear and don't have to have any type of "talk" about it unless she brings it up.

If it comes down to her asking me what that means I tell her honestly but with as little information as possible. I know if i was dating a woman who was not exclusive (which I have) I wouldn't want to hear about it. Women often ask questions they don't want to hear answers to because they can't help themselves. So if she asks if i am sleeping with any of them I say something like this:

"If I find someone that i have a really strong connection with, I want to experience who they are as a unique person at whatever that level that leads us to. "

If she probes further

"Like I said, right now, nothing is serious. I would like a serious relationship in the future and until I find the right person I need to find out about someone and who they really are before i can make that step."

If she probes further

"Look, I don't want to go into it. All I know is I want to find out about who you are and get to know you better."

If she still has a problem with it she usually will want to be my friend. That is just a way in her mind to make it ok that she is still dating me. Most women don't want to be dating a guy who is dating other women, however they will be friends with that guy. However it is the same thing as if they said they will date you but not sleep with you. She will likely change her mind if you play things right. If you drop her because whe won't "be in rotation" it will confirm who she is scared you might be. However if you continue to be her friend it creates an immeasurable growth in sexual tension that will break in time.

Once a girl sleeps with you hopefully you are proficient in bed enough to have her realize it is better with sex than hanging out with you without sex. She will just ignore the other women and I avoid bringing it up in any way.

Most women i've met, will come around. One girl i told wouldn't talk to me for 2 weeks and had me drive her home the night i told her i was dating other people. Of course at that point i wasn't that smooth the way i told her either. However after that we were friends and after a month of hanging out with her as friends we started sleeping together.

The good thing about dating more than one woman is usually I get enough sex that i lose my agenda for it. That is a turn on when a woman sees you are flirty sexual person but that you don't NEED sex from her.

However what i realize is that most women won't stay in this situation after 3 months. There is something about the 3 month point that makes women have to know where the relationship stands or will leave.

You said it best with "It seems like often women understand and tolerate the status quo of not being exclusive, but don't want it thrown in their faces."

I always felt like I had to explain everything to women about that situation. To make SURE they knew and were OK with it. Guys overexplain everything. Women know the situation from the first time you have that relationship status talk. No more explanation needed. If it is unclear to her then she will ask.

My last point in dating different people is if it is casual for me, I don't hang out with a woman more than once a week after we have sex. Of course this would be insulting if you were hanging out more than a couple times a week before sex. I'm busy so that usually isn't a problem.

My only rule is I always call a girl the next day after sex or being intimate, but i never make future plans on that call unless she brings that up. It comes off needy to progress a relationship after sex or wanting to hang out right away. My best case is I can leave a message on her phone telling her "I just wanted to call and say Hi and that I had a great time last night.. Hope you have a great day today. I'll talk to you soon."

So that is my take on it..

Vulnerable Greetings

2006-12-23T09:23:00.000-08:00

Two knights come together outside the feudal lords residence, their arms sore from hours of violent warfare. The weight of their sheathed swords a pleasant burden compared to weighting down their tired arms. One knight extends his weary hand to the other knight. The other night looks cautiously and then offers his hand in return, each weaponless and a gesture of vulnerability to each other. Entering together they approach the feudal lord and fall to one knee while bowing. They feel the cool air upon the backs of their necks as their helmets un-sheath their vulnerable necks while bowing.

In a time of warfare when no one could be trusted how did people back then know who was friend and who was foe? It was in their greetings that show their respect and cordial attitude to each other. The handshake to another warrior showed they held no weapon and were showing vulnerability to the other if they should choose to attack. To bow was the ultimate show of respect and also the ultimate act of vulnerability. Offering your head and neck to another while also pointing your eyes to the floor to be completely unaware if the other person chose to attack. The salute in our military today stems back from lifting the face shield of a helmet. These greetings are still around today because they serve a purpose. They show a vulnerability of a person to a stranger. It speaks volumes of historical relations and subtle communication that has followed us from before written history. It is that moment when I reach out offering my hand to someone with a sight lean in, that I show I am vulnerable and have chosen to connect with them in a meaningful way.

It is so important to retain that idea when you are meeting new people. I approach with full commitment facing my heart to someone, my shoulders squared to them, I lean at the waist keeping my back and neck straight. When I grasp their hand I touch them on their arm or allow their hand to be sandwiched in by my other hand in a firm but gentle grip. All is done with a smile and creates the warm vibe that is so important when approaching a stranger. I am offering myself head on, weaponless hand and the slightest hint of a bow, facing my vulnerable organs to someone with a look of friendliness. If they were to pull a weapon on me or attack me I would be in the worst position to defend myself. In modern times as in feudal times, an approach like this even to ones enemies, cannot be ignored. I am 100% fully committed and allowing myself to be vulnerable.

That is what a greeting is. You cannot hide yourself and your vulnerabilities, if you want someone to greet you in the same way. I put myself out there every time I meet a new person. I am unafraid to show my vulnerabilities and who I am. I do this in thought, word, and action. I am approval giving (not approval seeking) in thought. I am open, and share who I am with details, emotions, and my words are in the I perspective, when I speak. However the first statement I make about myself is in my greeting and how my body projects confidence by greeting with commitment and vulnerability.

Approach each stranger putting yourself on the line, if you don’t take the risk to be vulnerable while greeting them, they won’t feel comfortable enough to warmly accept your greeting and share part of themselves with you.

Be Relatable

2006-12-15T16:26:00.000-08:00

One of the magic qualities I started noticing with the Charisma Arts Method is that women started telling me how much they feel like they have known me much longer than they actually have. This is because I speak in a way that they can relate to.

Face it conversations when you first meet are a bit like interviews. She is asking what is your favorite coffee yet what she means is what does your taste in coffee reveal to her about who you are. When she asks what you do for a living she really could care less, she is really asking you to tell her about who you are.

Us as guys on the other hand feel we can get to know who she is by the kind of stuff she does, what she knows, and what we have in common. This creates quite the impasse. She is thinking about what kind of man you are by the coffee you drink and you are trying to find out what her favorite football team is. It is a wonder a man and woman can hold down a conversation for longer than ten minutes. We are speaking a different language.

So here is how to speak a woman’s language. She wants to know who you are, even when she asks you what that sprocket on your mountain bike does. The first step in speaking a woman’s language is to speak in a way that she can relate to. After talking an hour about our mountain bikes if she knows nothing more about your character she will be bored and move on. However if in describing that sprocket we display the person we are, how we think and feel, she will be fascinated with us.

The reason we get into books and movies in part is about character development. We have to know a character to like them. So for a woman to like you she has to know who you are. If you can remember throughout the entire conversation that the goal is to learn as much about her as you can while simultaneously speaking about everything you want to talk about in a way that she can get to know you, then you will start making a strong connection.

The first step is speaking in the I perspective. The importance of this should not be underestimated. Until I had someone point out to me just how much I was using the “you” perspective or god perspective, I would not have believed it. Even now as instructor I am constantly vigilant about teaching in the I perspective and having conversations using the I perspective. Here is an example.

“You know how it feels when you are out on the water enjoying the peaceful surroundings and just taking that serenity in, that is what I love about being out on the ocean.”

Or

“I love how it feels when I am out on the ocean. I just love how peaceful and serene I feel when I am all alone bobbing up and down on the waves.”

I personally feel that the statement about being on the ocean using the I perspective is more relatable. Hopefully you will agree as well. When someone hears the I perspective they start identifying with me and they put themselves in my shoes a bit. When you use the you perspective, they just imagine themselves in that space, yet if they can’t relate they won’t connect with you. The I perspective allows them to understand me even if they haven’t had a similar experience because they don’t have to accept that that situation would make them feel a certain way, just that I felt that way. They can then relate to those emotions based on their previous life experience.

The other key to this is that you are speaking about emotions. To be relatable I speak about how events and situations make me feel. This is so people can understand me and relate to me. If I don’t explain how I feel when I am speaking about an experience for example, then they have to imagine how they themselves would feel in that situation. When I describe exactly how I did feel, they don’t have to make the leap, they can relate to how I felt because they have situations in their life that made them feel similarly. Who knows, what might make me feel one way would make them feel completely different. That is why it is important to clearly speak about how I felt or thought in a situation.

The last part is I use details. Books are a great example; I can’t get through a single page on a book without learning about the details of the situation that really have no pertinence on the story. From the feel of the air to the texture of a railing as the character glides down the cold hardwood steps in her bare feet. Details evoke emotion as well as the ability to understand and to relate to the speaker.

By speaking in the I perspective with emotions and details, I find I not only display who I am and what I feel much quicker than I did previously, it also encourages people around me to open up and speak in a similar way. This allows for a really strong connection in my conversations to be developed faster than most people are use to. Not only do I genuinely create a connection but I differentiate myself from everyone else in the way I communicate. The key to all of this is being relatable; use emotions, details, and the I perspective.

The Boyfriend Dilemma

2006-12-11T17:50:00.000-08:00

“Why is it that every woman I meet has a boyfriend? This is what I thought all through college and beyond. I have always been up on my high horse about my own morality since I was a kid, and I still have a bit of self-righteousness even today. I grew up Mormon and left the church when I was twelve, a year after my mother left. As a child the idea that sex was only for married people was drilled into my head. I quickly as a man wanting sex compromised, and said I would have sex only when I was in love. My self imposed morality kept me a virgin till I was twenty-three. I ended up losing that philosophy along with my virginity to a good friend. The other long held moral stance I would soon give up was never go after women with boyfriends. That also added to why I was a virgin for so long.

When in college I can’t tell you how many women I met that had boyfriends of all different levels. One woman I distinctly remember was in a long distance relationship. So I kept my distance even though I was quite infatuated by her. The interesting thing was while I held my distance, another guy she met came in, didn’t care she had a boyfriend and pursued her anyway; she quickly dumped her long distance boyfriend for him. I went to their wedding several years ago. Over and over this happened to me till I gave up and said I don’t give a fuck and that is their problem not mine. That is until I met a wonderful woman who was engaged. I’ll always remember making love to her with that giant engagement ring on her finger. She did end up breaking off the engagement for me however the resulting stress made her shut down, and subsequently shut off towards me. We did not last long.

So from one extreme to the other I have realized where I want to be. My line is a woman who is engaged. I don’t cross it. Sadly married women and engaged women are sometimes the first to initiate flirtation with the intent to cheat on their partners. I don’t let myself cross that line anymore. If you do, that is your choice, however I wouldn’t encourage it.

What I have realized is almost every woman who is worth it has a boyfriend; if she doesn’t she will soon. That creates a dilemma for my ridiculous moral standards. At least it did. Now that I have been studying women and interactions for a while, I realize women have different types of boyfriends. One of my fellow instructors actually had a women call hers a “placeholder boyfriend”. The fact is women place a lot of value about themselves on having a boyfriend. Most, if at all dissatisfied, are more than willing to upgrade.

The question is how do you deal with this and all these women who have boyfriends? The key is first to not have an agenda. When a woman says she has a boyfriend, be interested in that. I personally love to talk about relationships. If she has the perfect boyfriend and relationship, I want to know all about it. I want to know how she got it and how she keeps it perfect. However, women rarely have the “perfect” relationship. If you become uninterested when she says she has a boyfriend then it clearly shows you have an agenda. If you build him up you are actually building her up as well. Women identify their relationships as a quality of themselves. She chose him after all. If you criticize her choice of boyfriend, it appears to her that you don’t approve of who she is and what her choices are. However if you build him up, she will gladly show you the cracks in her relationship. Almost as if she is disqualifying herself, (which women do so naturally) she will tell you about the cracks in her relationship. Your job is simply to listen, and relate by showing the cracks in your relationships, present, and past. Once the cracks have been identified and related to, move on as if she was single however be calibrated and aware by her choosing you over her boyfriend there will be hesitation and barriers. Always continue to escalate but don’t force her. Use sexual barriers as a roadmap of where you want to go. Let her come to you though.

Personally I now love meeting girls with boyfriends. If they are happy, they have a drive to live vicariously through their single girlfriends, and will want to hook you up. If they are not happy, they will keep up the appearances of their relationship while secretly plotting to make the switch to you.

Being genuinely interested in women for who they are without an agenda is the quickest way for them to start creating an agenda to obtain you!

Vacuum

2006-12-08T11:11:00.000-08:00

A quick note on the Vacuum; for those of you who read the blog on listening, you noticed the final paragraph sounded a lot like the “Vacuum”. You are right. The vacuum is all about listening. That is why it shows you are a high value person. Confident people don’t ask questions they don’t want answered; they listen for the answer and are committed to waiting for that answer.

Those of you who are having trouble holding the vacuum think about it as just sincerely waiting for an answer. Get more interested in the questions you are asking. Stop asking questions you don’t care about. Questions should not be conversation fillers; they should be conversation starters. “How’s it going”, “how are you”, “what’s up”; these are all examples of questions that are so commonly asked yet so seldom answered, or when they are the answers are meaningless because the person asking doesn’t really care. I am consistently trying to get rid of these questions in my own conversations. “Hey, what’s up, I’m Dan”, is a common one for me. However, every time I ask it I forget to wait for an answer, so why bother asking the question. I need to either wait for an answer before I continue or don’t ask the question.

Ever get caught asking several questions in a row or asking another question to refine the first question? “Hey, how are you, I’m John, how’s it going tonight, you ladies having fun?” Ouch, which question would you like them to answer, not to mention ending the whole statement with a leading closed ended question.

The key to the Vacuum is asking a question and waiting for an answer. Also when someone is done speaking, waiting to see if they are truly done, or if there is more they would like to say.

Listening

2006-12-02T19:15:00.000-08:00

There is something magical when I have a group of people listening to my every word, rapt in attention, and actively showing their interest with their body language. It is partly why I do what I do. I am an attention whore. Yes I admit it. But aren’t we all to a degree? We all want that same thing for ourselves. We want people’s validation and approval. We all want to be liked; I know I do. The issue is how we allow this to direct our actions. Are we the ones trying to get everyone’s approval or are we the ones giving out our approval. The interesting thing is it is not always that easy to see who is who. When I look for that charismatic confident person I look for who is listening not just who is talking.

Wayne often mentions that the key thing he looks for in an interaction between a man and a woman is if the guy is laughing. That tells him that the guy is having a good time and is comfortable. That is when Wayne knows it is going well. What I look for is how well a man is listening to a woman. If he is intently listening he has done everything right. He opened up about himself enough to make her feel comfortable talking about herself. He also asked good open-ended questions that were substantial. However, it all hangs on how he listens.

Listening can be one of the greatest statements of appreciation we can give. In fact if you ask many women what they want in a man “a good listener” would for sure make the list. Why? It is because we all as people want to feel heard and understood. When people listen to what I say it is all of the validation I need. Then it is my turn to return the favor. The easiest way to get approval or validation is not to seek it; instead it is better to give it away because it will always return in abundance. Simply listening to someone is also a great way to show them you appreciate what they have to say and who they are.

So next time you ask a question, be sure and wait for an answer, then listen to that answer completely without worrying about what to say next. In fact after they are done speaking listen for just a bit longer to see if the speaker is completely done speaking. You will know what to respond to when you have listened intently, as well as she will feel heard and understood. That to me, is a key to Charisma.

Hot Woman Syndrome

2006-11-19T22:23:00.000-08:00

Sweat starts beading up on your forehead. You start unconsciously clenching your fists in fear. Your feet are glued to the floor. Only moments of being the most entertaining fun guy in the group their really gorgeous friend comes over and starts talking to you. You start tripping over your words and you end up excusing yourself just to save face. “What the hell!” you think.

It is like this for so many guys I have talked to. They are quite charming with mildly attractive women but the moment they talk to a very beautiful woman they clam up and are unable to do it.

I hate to lay down this fact but as long as beautiful women intimidate you to the point you can’t be yourself, you won’t be successful in dating them. Why? It is about agenda. Ever notice women you are not interested often fall for you? It is because you are confidently yourself around them and have no agenda when you are with them. With a very beautiful woman she evokes in us this base desire to obtain her, to HAVE her. This creates a very predator prey relationship and what does prey do when around a predator? She runs, and runs fast.

There is a book I recently read called “The Female Brain” that explains that the part of a woman’s brain that sees and interprets non-verbal signals relating to social interaction such as body language, tonality, and intent, is ten times larger than the corresponding part of a man’s brain. Women can sense when you are not being genuine or when you start having an agenda to HAVE her.

Allison Armstrong actually goes so far to say that a relationship where you are extremely attracted to her won’t ever work. I personally feel that is going too far. However she has a point. The more attracted you are the more agenda you will have and the less yourself you will be. So what is the antidote for HWS (Hot Woman Syndrome)?

The antidote is stop putting her up on a pedestal!!! If you knew she ripped the heads off of small animals in her spare time would you still be attracted to her? If that doesn’t turn you off then insert any morally repugnant thing she could do and assume she just might. The fact is you don’t know her. Even after dating her for a while you can’t fool yourself that you know every skeleton in her closet! Understand you are attracted to her for her looks, but is that really enough for you? I know I want both an attractive woman and someone who has a personality I am attracted to. I don’t know if I am attracted to her personality for quite some time. The problem is most guys find out the minimum about her and any faults are not immediately obvious. They then just assume her personality is up to their standards. Don’t assume.

I go into interactions with beautiful women with genuine interest in who they are, without the assumption that I want to have any kind of romantic or sexual relationship with them. I need to get to know them to find out if they are up to my standards. I treat them the same way I treat a woman I am not attracted to in an interaction. I am every bit myself and I don’t have an agenda with her. If I find out more about her that I like then I escalate as I do in interactions I have with less attractive women. No time do I put her on a pedestal above me. We are equal, period.

So do whatever you need to do to get rid of your agenda and stay true to being yourself when you are around an extremely beautiful woman. Personally I just assume she might have dismembered puppy heads in her purse. Yes I know I am a bit weird. It works for me though.

Not everywoman lives up to my standards, just because she is really hot doesn’t’ pre-approve her for anything in my mind. It shouldn’t in your mind either. Take the time to find out what is interesting about her and appreciate it just like anyone else. Stay confidently and actively being yourself.

Tell Me About Yourself

2006-11-16T08:48:00.000-08:00

Somehow in this whole dating and meeting people thing, the common practice got started to try to not talk about yourself too much. Well how much is too much? It also comes up as the way to get someone to like you is get them to talk about themselves. Where did we go so wrong? Always in the extreme and never in the middle ground do we rest.

A goal in an interaction is to keep the interaction balanced, if you don’t share with a person who you are and what you are about, they will not want to tell you anything about themselves. I talk about myself in interactions all the time. In fact when some one is a bit cold and cut off that is a great way to get them to open up, asking them more questions won’t do that.

The more detailed your descriptions about how you feel, with I perspective, emotions, and details, the more they will follow your lead and see that as an example of how their answers to you should be. If you want to find something you can relate to in another person then you have to be relatable. This does not mean blather on about facts and timelines about what you have done in your life; it is about talking about how you felt doing those things. The less you talk about facts the better, explaining how you feel when snowboarding will be far more interesting than talking about how to technically do it.

Over and over one of the most common things I see in guys who run out of things to say, can’t get commitment, or fail to get anything interesting out of a person, comes down to the fact that they didn’t talk about themselves in a relatable way. If you want someone to like you for the real you, then you have to show them who that is. If you are telling them stuff about yourself that the purpose is to relate how you feel about something, you won’t be talking about yourself too much.

So get out there and let people know who you are. Tell them about you!

Moving to San Francisco!

2006-11-15T08:37:00.000-08:00

Lot's of new things happening with me! I just found a killer apartment in San Francisco and am moving from my Oregon refuge to the City. Quite a change. Blog posts might slow down a bit these next couple weeks as I will be busy moving and packing. However when I get there there are some big things happening. Here is a preview

1) I just recently submitted a proposal for a Charisma Arts Expanded course which is essentially an advanced course for clients who have already taken the bootcamp. Can't divulge too many details but it is geared to clients who are looking to be better with groups of people, escalate faster, have more fun with humor and flirting, and work on their day game.

2) Style consults. Wish there was more fashion advice, or someone who would come shopping with you? I've been doing informal style consults for a while but soon will be available to go out on the town in San Francisco and help you upgrade your image.

3) Know any women who could use this training? I am setting up a informal group of women to teach and learn how they can date and attract men more effectively. This will be a pilot group that will probably be developed into a course for women. Email me if you are a woman and would like to be a part of this group in SF.

Socialhitchhiker is coming to San Francisco, watch out!

Lastly I want to offer a free one or two day private for anyone in the bay area in trade for helping re-do my blog. Details of what i want can be discussed. One question I have to all of my readers which i would love your feedback, is: Would you be interested in a members only access to more blogs, podcasts, and special free video lectures? While I still want to continue writing free articles for this blog, a subscription to a members only area with a guaranteed # of blogs and podcasts a month would keep me motivated to posting more and delivering more top notch content. I'm guessing the membership would only be $5 or $10 a month.

So let me hear your feedback! Comment or privately email me what you think about these ideas and coming events.

Dan

Positive Misinterpretations

2006-11-12T09:46:00.000-08:00

A former client on our Alumni board posted this and i thought it was really good. I think creative misinterpretation can be a great humor technique as well. Try it out and check out Jonas of Denmark's story:

I just had a great convo with Jake that inspired me to write a post about this issue. I am sure that you guys have read SHH's post about always agreeing. I am sure that you knows about positive assumptions too. This little technique flips the frame into something positive no matter what you get thrown at you. What I've found as a great tool is positive misinterpretation.

When I came home to Denmark from NYC wearing an earring my friends, co workers and every other stranger made fun of me. It began to annoy me and I couldn't really do anything but ignore or laugh at it until I started doing something I found extremely powerful.

Her:
You look like my teenage cousin who wants to be gangsta but really just looks gay

Me:
Thanks I am really glad you like my earring. I was soooo worried that you wouldn't respect me for having it done
(with a genuine surprised warm vibe)

Actully this girl cracked up on my reply and spent the rest of the night backing me up everytime somebody commented badly on my earring.

Key thing is to share your worries, fears and human side. By doing this you really are saying, you hear her opinion but just could care less. You are also making it obvious how unsensitive she is but in a funny and non-judgemental way. It works great on amogs too because it's a non competitive and sincere frame where you aren't trying to put anybody down with a snappy answer - It's simply high value.

I still wear the earring...

The Lost Newsletters Pt II

2006-11-10T09:43:00.000-08:00

Welcome to another edition of the Charisma Arts newsletter!

Last week we told you to go out and man hug a stranger. How did it go? Not that hard, was it? That is the level of commitment you should have with every person you talk to. Put yourself out there 100%. We have a saying at CA, “Loud people don’t scare people, quiet people do.” Quiet people are tentative and reserved, loud people we know whether we can trust them or like them immediately. Quiet people are too reserved for us to make a judgment about so we are forced to invest a lot of effort to know them. Why invest that much into a stranger? Be 100% committed to putting yourself out there with confidence. If you had the confidence to hug a random guy on the street, everything else will come easy!

Q&A

What kind of mindset do you need to be successful with the Charisma Arts Method?

Charisma Arts will give you the tools to transform your life for the better. So many of our techniques will force you to be confident. Confidence is the most attractive trait in a man. You can’t fake it; it takes confidence to be successful with women. Ironic isn’t it, how can we gain confidence when it already takes confidence to be successful? Disqualification screams confidence. Coming in with a warm committed vibe displays huge value and confidence. By doing things like trying to find out what makes a woman interesting, it shows a lot of value. Confidence comes through practice and being reminded that each of us is innately an incredible person. We are approval giving because we are so confident, not approval seeking. Whatever mindset you come in with, develop, or have, we assume attraction because we like ourselves and know as soon as a woman sees who we are they will like us too. Yet we never bother trying to impress because we want to find out if we like her first. Whether you are extremely confident already, or extremely shy and insecure, the techniques from CA will start you on the path to being able to show the real you, confidently to anyone you meet.

Is Charisma Arts against routines?

We get this question a lot. We prefer a less scripted form of interaction because we feel it will teach you to more dynamically and artistically interact with people. Sometimes the learning curve is a bit steeper for some, but in the long run we feel you will be much more genuine and appealing to women without routines. Remember one of our main points is genuine interest is a powerful attractive trait. Also the more confidently authentic you are, the stronger the connection with the people you meet will be.

Do you still advocate the 90/10 rule?

The 90/10 rule was an older idea Wayne had when he was first developing the method. It was based on him being a good entertainer and holding her attention. When he found out how to make the interaction a 50/50 balance and flow of conversation and energy, he discovered it was much more powerful. The idea is to use open-ended questions, the vacuum, and relating and rewarding to elicit her to make more of an effort in an interaction. You want to encourage her to want to gain your interest in her, and work for it.

What was your biggest breakthrough with the Charisma Arts Method?

A client in San Francisco asked me this recently; he found the answer very helpful so I thought I would share it with you.

I am not only an instructor but I was also a client. I was in the same place many of you are, when I was considering taking a boot camp. I related to women from a place of ego. I liked who I was, and wanted women to see what I saw in myself that was impressive. So I told a lot of stories about my adventures and spoke in a way that made sure she knew I was intelligent. The irony is, the more you brag about yourself or try to impress someone, the less you actually do. So I needed a whole new way to relate. Charisma Arts taught me that instead of telling stories and anecdotes to impress people that I need to use those same stories to connect and relate to people. If the reason I told a story was to show the person I was talking to that I had a similar experience (that elicited a similar emotion), I could understand who they were and where they were coming from.

An interesting thing started to happen. As I began listening more for the emotional content in other people’s stories, I began to become very interested in what they had to say. I no longer was just waiting for my turn to tell a cool story. Then when I related I found that my stories were far more well received. The added bonus was that I got to tell all my cool stories but I was using them to relate, not impress.

We all want people to see who we are as unique impressive individuals. The key is not telling someone how unique you are, instead find out how unique they are. You in turn will be one of the few people they meet that they feel truly understands them. Isn’t that what we wanted in the first place for ourselves? There is a saying, “Give to others what you want for yourself.”

“Seduction is the art of setting the stage for two people to choose to reveal themselves to each other.” Juggler p118 The Game

TECHNIQUE

That moment has arrived when you are talking to a beautiful woman and you are getting along great. You can tell she is into you and you are into her. The nagging thought has been in your head for a while, “is it time to kiss her?” If you have to ask, the answer is YES! So here is Kory’s patented kiss close technique (Although I don’t know when Wayne’s patent ran out, I think this was his idea, just don’t tell Kory I told you that.)

When you think it is time to kiss her, it has probably already been time long since past. Amp up the kino a bit, then tell her to close her eyes. She knows damn well what is coming. Then kiss her. If she doesn’t kiss you back she will nonetheless think you are ballsy and respect you for it. If you do get denied don’t worry about it, let it roll and be unperturbed. You can always say something like “Well I was going to kiss you, but now you are just going to have to wait until I find you as sexy as I did just a moment ago.” Make sure you deliver that with a sly grin.

My personal favorite is turning it into a sexual barrier. I say “Well I have been thinking about kissing you for the last ten minutes, but honestly I can’t tell you that because I just met you.” Almost every time she will kiss you at that moment.

Well that wraps up this edition of the Charisma Arts newsletter. We’ll talk to you soon!

Charismatically yours,

Dan (Social HitchHiker)

Are you looking to make more progress? Our resources are at your fingertips. http://www.charismaarts.com has lots of different tools for you to become an incredibly charismatic individual. Download our E-Book and see just how simple conversation can turn from platonic to personal to sexual. Still can’t seem to integrate some of the tools we teach? Try a phone consultation! What a great way to get solid advice personalized to your situation and personality. For those of you ready to have your life completely altered, say goodbye to free evenings and sleep. Our boot-camp will make you so charming, women will be clamoring for your attention and keeping you up all night hogging all the covers. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

The Lost Newsletters

2006-11-09T11:19:00.000-08:00

Back in July there was a push to do some newsletters by Christian our business manager. I wrote up two newsletters as a proposal for Charisma Arts. I still think it is a good idea to do a bi monthly or monthly newsletter. Hey David D can't be completely wrong with his marketing success. However for whatever reason the newsletter idea never got brought into fruition. As promised if they weren't going to be in your inbox they'd be posted here. This is the first in a long series of many newsletters, well ok two. So one more after this. Look for it later this week or early next week. If you find this helpful and want more of it email charisma arts at info@charismaarts.com and tell them you'd love more newsletters and most importantly it would make you want to take a bootcamp, do a phone consult, or buy the ebook! Hey everything is about marketing. I just happen to think the best marketing is good content.

So enjoy!

Welcome to the very first Charisma Arts newsletter!!!

Great things are happening here at Charisma Arts. By the time you read this Wayne and Johnny will be internationally known in the world of social interaction. Seduction School, a reality tv show, will have aired in the UK and is probably filtering onto the internet for download as we speak. Hopefully I’ll get to see it soon!

There have been a lot of great new trainers coming on board as of late. These guys are AMAZING! Seeing Judson get the number of a bartender that every guy in the bar had already tried for was a work of art! Matt and Jayson have been on quite some time now, and as soon as we get them to stop hiding from the camera we’ll have their bios up soon. Many of you will recognize Matt’s skill as being somewhat familiar, he’s Johnny’s older brother. Definitely not to be overshadowed though, he is one of our smoothest instructors. Jayson the eternal goofball, has a fun flirty style that disarms every woman he meets. I swear that guy can talk any woman on the planet into sending him naughty texts and pics on his phone. Our international trainers include Eric in Canada, and Locky in the UK. Locky that little devil I have yet to meet, but his stories of unbuttoning a girls shirt right in the bar because he is so un-intimidating are now legendary. Eric our man in the great white north I am flying to hang out with as we speak. I’ll report back what crazy hijinks we get into in the wonderful city of Montreal.

Each newsletter we are going to answer your questions and give you some fun tips, Q&A, anecdotes, stories, and even exercises. We know you don’t want any spam! So it’s all content coming at you. This is Dan (SocialHitchHiker) coming at you from 25,000 feet trying to outrun jetlag.

Q & A

I seem to talk to a lot of women but I never seem to build attraction, any tips?

Attraction is built when you self confidently show who you are and are genuinely interested in who she is. If you are trying to do something to build attraction it will almost always fail. Disqualification, rewarding, and making her interesting, are among your best tools to allow attraction to grow. Remember it is already there. She is attracted to you the moment you walk up; she just doesn’t know it yet.

So I feel phony when I give rewards like “you’re a really great conversationalist”.

Then don’t use that particular reward. Be genuine. Make sure whatever reward you give her it is commensurate to the effort she gave you as well as being genuine. If she says she likes burritos, and you say you are so impressed by her great choice of cuisine, you’re done. Try rewarding on personality traits either explicit or implied. She says she tells you she is a nurse and loves helping people try; “I like that, you have a really big heart. I don’t know if I would ever have courage to do that. Honestly I faint when I see some blood from a paper-cut.” If you are having trouble rewarding, when she tells you something interesting try saying “I like that.” Then telling her why.
I just can’t seem to escalate! Help me!

As one of our clients said “Sexy is the $1600 word”. Tell her how something unique about her is really sexy. Then tell her “Stop it, you’re turning me on.” Continue that game whenever she does something or tells you something unique. “I told you to stop that, I mean we are surrounded by people, you really have to stop turning me on.” Just remember to never use these SOI’s to seek feedback from her. Tell her a SOI then let it go and move on, don’t wait for her reaction. Positive, neutral, or negative, move on to more flirting or more rapport. The key is once you SOI, interpret everything she does (within reason) as sexual. Throwing in some sexual barriers and push pull is also really helpful at this point. Not sure how to do that? Come to a boot-camp or read Wayne’s E-book, it will be the best investment you have ever made in changing your life.

Thanks for reading this first edition of the Charisma Arts newsletter. Here is an exercise for you to try until we hit you up with our next installment.

Exercise: Man Hug a Stranger
Object: Create a committed vibe

Go up to a complete stranger somewhere and with the vibe like you have known them for years and have just run into them. Extend your hand and give an interlocking hand shake (the manly handshake where you basically grab each others thumb and palm) and pull them in while you reach around and pat them on the back with your free hand. Say something like “Hey, good to see you! [man hug now]” When they say something about not knowing you, just say you must have been mistaken and introduce yourself. See how long you can keep talking to them.

Charismatically yours,

Dan (Social HitchHiker)

Are you looking to make more progress? Our resources are at your fingertips. http://www.charismaarts.com has lots of different tools for you to become an incredibly charismatic individual. Download our E-Book and see just how simple conversation can turn from platonic to personal to sexual. Still can’t seem to integrate some of the tools we teach? Try a phone consultation! What a great way to get solid advice personalized to your situation and personality. For those of you ready to have your life completely altered, say goodbye to free evenings and sleep. Our boot-camp will make you so charming, women will be clamoring for your attention and keeping you up all night hogging all the covers. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Being Genuine

2006-11-08T12:21:00.000-08:00

I was so afraid to show who I was when I was growing up. As an only child I got attention when I acted mature and more like an adult, I was almost afraid to have fun and be a kid. As I grew older I spent so much time thinking how I could be like the cool kids so people would like me. I look back at those days and cringe. I guess we all go through that but I wished I had known some of the things I do today.

I do remember one time at camp when I forgot to be self conscious and I spent an entire camp dance having fun running around like an idiot and dancing up a storm. That next day I was informed of all the girls who had crushes on me after that. I wished I had put it together that when I am myself genuinely, I am more attractive.

Women can sense when you are being genuine and when you are not. You may be able to fool them for a short time but not in the long run. However when the opposite happens and you are confidently yourself , it is amazing how quickly all people are more attracted to you.

I imagine back when some of the other schools started there was someone trying to be the cool guy and whenever he was himself it went badly. So they all began to come to the conclusion that being yourself was counterproductive and you should change and hide who you are in a way. The problem is that when people try to “be” themselves they are really not being themselves either. They are insecure and scared to put themselves all the way out there.

What I learned from Charisma Arts was that if I confidently was me, whoever that was, that people liked me more. While what we promote is actively being you, we do have some guidelines and techniques on how to do that well. The real you needs to come out and you need to be confident about it. Our method is about being 100% committed to an interaction and that means being 100% you.

It is really quite astonishing when someone is genuine how much more attractive that makes them. I recently met a guy who really wanted to be a Charisma Arts instructor. He was very good at approaching women and engaging them. Hell, he is probably better than I am at it. But I didn’t get a sense of whom he was. He used a lot of humor and while he was genuine and being himself, it also seemed like he was hiding behind humor and afraid to put who he was out on the line for us to see. Finally one night at dinner he told us the first real story about who he was and some of his personal struggles. It was at that moment that I really began to like him. When he confidently took the risk to tell something about him to us that was personal, he became real and much more human. I could finally relate to him.

I see it in our bootcamps sometimes when guys are in sets. They screw up and instead of trying to say the right thing or make a recovery they just point out how much they just put their foot in their mouth. That is the moment when they become real and relateable. Being good with people is not about always knowing what to say and being smooth. In fact it is almost the opposite. The more mistakes you make and show you are confident and un-phased by them, the more people enjoy being around you because you are more human to them.

Don’t change when you get into the game, you are perfect just who you are. Instead become better at being you, more confident in putting yourself out there, and more committed to expressing your personality. If you are not getting the response you are seeking ask yourself if what you did was to seek someone’s approval, or because that is just who you are.

Genuine people not afraid to be themselves are what being charismatic is all about.

"Fuck Off"

2006-11-02T15:50:00.000-08:00

Interesting thing in England, it was the first time I have heard a girl say, “Fuck off” to a guy. English women are no harder to talk to but they are a bit more upfront about blowing you off. In turn I spent a little bit more time with the English guys teaching them how to deal with responses.

The important thing is not to worry about what to say but instead, understand that she is not saying that because of you. She is responding to her past experiences that went badly and projecting that upon you. She doesn’t know you well enough to have any well-formed opinions, so learn to not take anything she says negative personally.

So the first step to dealing with bad responses is to not get defensive or let is rattle you. The more calm and collected you can be the better. From there I personally use three different techniques.

Agree

If she calls you a “wanker” agree with her. “Damn girl you pegged me right! I like that, you are the first to call me out on being the biggest wanker in this bar. By the way what exactly is a wanker? I’m from the states I don’t quite know these things. Never mind, from now on that is what I am, but I actually never got your name...”

Appreciate

Appreciate what character traits you like in her when she says something negative. “Wow, I love how you can be so forward and blunt! I really don’t know many people who just tell it like it is. I’m impressed!

Call them out

This can be done very poorly if you are defensive or approval seeking in anyway. If you call a girl out on being rude, but do it in a way that shows you are affected by it, things won’t go well. This one can be tough so I usually do the other ones, however when someone is being un-necessarily rude, this can work wonders. “Hmm, that was quite rude. I’m going to turn around and try that again and this time try giving me your name, it is much more polite. [I rewind and turn around in a circle] Hi, I’m Dan...”

The most important thing is to really not care what they think about you. Know that nothing is personal against you. Respond in a calm non-affected way. Try not to get defensive or shirk away from it. Embrace it, they are giving you a lot of emotion to work with and relate to.

Making it Personal

2006-10-30T22:25:00.000-08:00

One of the hardest things I see clients struggle with each weekend is the three escalation points. First is the escalation to platonic, this one is actually easy; it is simply opening and starting a conversation. However the next escalation point is the hardest for most clients. That is turning the conversation from platonic to personal.

If I end up talking to a woman about things, facts, events, or subjects, I will only be able to hold her attention if she has similar feelings and emotions about this stuff as I do. If she doesn’t or I can’t find something in common quickly the conversation will fall flat and not go anywhere. I need to create an environment in a conversation where I am speaking about how I feel about things and getting her to relate by speaking about how she feels and thinks about anything. We need to relate on similar emotions, not similar interests. The only way to do this is to make it personal.

In day game simply introducing yourself after speaking for a few moments helps do this. Now you can stop talking about that book recommendation and ask her where she is from and how she likes it there. At night it is much easier but talking about “things” can be a common trap.

The two magic questions that help you move from platonic to personal are:

“How does that feel?” & “What is that like for you?”

I even will tell a woman “Look I don’t want to know what Spain is like, I can read that in a guide book, I want to know what your experienc e over there is like.”

The more you move it from platonic to personal the more interesting things you will find out about her. That is the whole goal of this method. When she shows herself to be unique, that is when you show interest, relate, appreciate, and escalate. This method can be boiled down to: Make her interesting, and appreciate it”. To do that though you must make the conversation personal, about you and her, not about things.

London Adventures

2006-10-24T15:59:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of updates. I'm in London right now and busy being a tourist and running seminars. Will be back Nov 1st. It's a long plane ride home so expect some good posts the first week of Nov. I do my best writing on the plane. Until then!

Dan (SocialHitchhiker)

Beware the Secret Technique!

2006-10-17T12:31:00.000-07:00

In this business I notice a lot of marketing aimed at secret techniques and tricks to achieve goals in social interactions. “The monkeys flying out your ass technique is guaranteed to capture any woman’s attention and make her fall instantly in love with you like she has loved no other man. Not only that, but with the winged monkey framing of the technique, they will not only do your laundry, but accept that you live with your mom and cook for you naked regardless.”

I am so wary of techniques because they remove the genuine you from the equation. Being formulaic is a quick way to display low value, a strong un-attractive agenda, and a lack of genuineness. While even here at charisma arts at times we break things down into methods and frameworks to work with, in all honesty all of these things should be abandoned when you internalize the process.

There is a Buddhist saying, “If you meet the Buddha on the path, kill him!” My interpretation of this saying is, if you progress along the path of the discipline far enough that you achieve a mastery of it, then abandon the path that got you there.

In the community it is like people collect routines, tricks, lines, and techniques. This fills peoples head with too much information and it is almost crippling when you can’t actually put all of this information into play in an effective manner.

I think the thing I love about Charisma Arts so much is that all of our teachings are simply a framework for you to actively present the confidant, genuine you. “We don’t make the words you say, we make the words you say better.”

While techniques that promise consistent, predictable results are awfully seductive, they won’t help you in the long run to become the person you want to be. In fact the phrase “social robot” comes to mind a lot when I see people expressing themselves in such a strict contrived manner. Techniques are training wheels, they are not the answer in and of themselves.

My Path to Humor

2006-10-16T18:51:00.000-07:00

As I have been practicing and working each weekend I have seen the way I interact change and develop to a much more jovial vibe. I tend to fall into entertaining a lot when I wing for clients. I also enjoy being a goof and can hold the attention of a group for quite a while. I actually became funny. How the hell did that happen? I’ve never been funny and now I have people telling me I am funny. While I still spend a lot of time relating and rewarding, I enjoy joking, teasing and having a fun vibe.

I realized that my path to being more fun in an interaction was through disqualification. I started doing a lot of it. Most of you probably realized just how much Wayne and Johnny disqualify in the recent Channel 4 audio podcast. The more I interact the more powerful I realize disqualification is as a multi use tool. Disqualification using our standard structure of agreeing and or thanking them then putting yourself outside of their expectations, tends to be at least mildly funny most of the time. Someone says I am really funny I say something like “Thanks, but seriously I couldn’t even make the anyone laugh yesterday, I mean every joke I told, silence, and the sound of crickets. Even they weren’t laughing!” With an animated delivery and confidence, disqualifications can be very funny. Last night a client I was talking to was practicing DQ and said, “You’re right, I am so short I stand eye to eye with an Asian middle school girl. I let guys know they can use my head as an armrest at the bar.” Seriously I had to stop the consult for five minutes while I laughed uncontrollably.

Making fun of yourself is a great disqualification as long as you do it in a confident way. The difference in self-deprecation and disqualification is the tone of confidence in your weaknesses. If you have a problem with this just exaggerate your weaknesses to ridiculous proportions. The ironic part is that when you just put out all your weaknesses and feel confident enough to joke about it, people feel more comfortable around you and like you because you are comfortable with yourself.

I spent the weekend with Wayne and he consistently made jokes about himself and showed a lot of humility and confidence by doing so. People think the opposite of what image you put up for them. If you spend time DHV’ing and trying to impress someone, they will believe the opposite of whatever you want them to believe. If you are making fun of yourself and exaggerating your weaknesses, then they believe you actually are a really confident, secure guy who is definitely not as bad as the exaggerations you are putting up as who you are.

The side effect I found with doing a lot of disqualification, that I didn’t expect to happen, is it developed a sense of humor for me. Most women want a guy who can make them laugh. I always just wrote that part of myself off since I wasn’t a funny guy and was hoping I could find a woman who would like a not so funny guy. Wow, low and behold I started practicing disqualification and I found without trying or learning any comedic techniques, I was becoming funny. By just simply making fun of myself, or exaggerating my weaknesses, people were laughing and having a good time around me. As long as I did it in a confident tone in an unapologetic way, it also increased their attraction for me.
If you haven’t added in disqualification as a major tool in your toolbox, you are missing out. It creates such a fun warm vibe while showing people who you are in a genuine way. Whether you do genuine DQ’s or you just exaggerate your weaknesses, using disqualification can help you keep the interaction fun and jovial. Yet it still connects you to her because it also shows your humanity. In the end, it really is quite ironic that when I tell a woman I am horrible in bed, have a small penis, am cheap, and how bad I am with getting any woman on the planet, the more she wants to sleep with me. As long as I do it in a confident unapologetic tone, she probably isn’t going to believe me anyway. I know odd, but hey if the game weren’t a bit counterintuitive it would be easy. Wait a second, it actually is pretty easy! Just add some disqualification in.

The Connector Vs The Entertainer

2006-10-12T11:38:00.000-07:00

So around the Charisma Arts crew I’m known as the “Set Stealer”. One of my more entertaining colleagues goes in and opens up the set and then after a bit I come in and end up with the cute girl they originally had started to talk to. For one, I think this is a bit undeserved since we aren’t exactly in a normal situation. We both have to divide our attentions between our clients, and whomever we are talking to. It isn’t hard to move in on someone who is distracted. Secondly our objective on a workshop is NOT to pick up women, it is to giver our clients 100% of our attention and give them the best experience possible. However it happens, that is my reputation. So I started wondering why? I am certainly not more charming or charismatic than any of our other instructors. Hell whenever we get a bit competitive over a girl I usually lose that battle, so why this reputation? I think it is because I really enjoying connecting on a deeper emotional level.

Usually when this sort of thing happens whoever opened the set was in entertainer role and is keeping the attention of the entire group so our clients can come in and individually connect with women in the set. If I join in, that is usually what I do, since there is no reason to have two entertainers in a group. After a few moments of connecting a strong bond is created that is different than if I was just a fun, interesting, entertaining guy.

On the flip side of this equation I find I do drop into an entertainer role when I am in set with a client. I am the distraction and as Judson so fondly puts it, we play the role of “the clapping monkey”. We keep the attention of the entire group so our client can connect one on one with the person they choose to. After a set like this I find I don’t have as strong of a bond with the people I am talking to. I can usually get just about any phone number in the group if I choose, but rarely have I created as much of an attraction with any one person as when I connect one on one.

I see this example profoundly when I work with Chad. He is a very quiet person, and rarely tries to be entertaining. However he connects so strongly and uses a lot of disqualification. It is amazing to see the reaction women have to him. They begin to forget anyone is even in the bar with them and their attention is solely focused on Chad. I don’t care if David Copperfield himself came in and started lighting himself on fire while levitating through hoops, her attention would only briefly wander.

It is so rare for people to connect in a way that creates a deep understanding of who we are and how we feel. Entertaining people are a common commodity. So while I don’t advocate trying to have a deep philosophical conversation with a party girl in a club, speaking about what her passions are, and relating and appreciating her, in a fun upbeat way will create a stronger bond than just being entertaining.

Connection is paramount. This whole method can be summed up as simply as making her interesting, and appreciating what is interesting and unique about her.

Assuming Attraction

2006-10-08T22:36:00.000-07:00

Confident men realize their value and feel it inside that people are attracted to them. This of course is not an easy thing to realize if you don’t have that inner confidence. However this is a point to “fake it till you make it”. Realize if you are an even remotely attractive guy and can actively present who you are genuinely you will be creating attraction. However, you have to know that attraction is already there and they just haven’t discovered it. You are a confident, unapologetic man, and that is attractive. Everyone you talk to with that mindset is going to be attracted to you in one way or another. So you learn to expect that and assume that people are going to be attracted to you. This in fact is a hell of a lot easier than trying to earn their attraction. Hell let’s get this straight. If you assume she is attracted to you and wants to go to bed with you what type of agenda do you have to have? None. How easy is that. If she doesn’t go to bed with you then it is obviously because of logistics or other reasons because it sure as hell not you! Do you see how easy the game becomes if you just assume this? No running attraction game, no trying to make her see you as a high value man and proving you are to her, no TRYING to do anything with her. All that is left is to get to know her to see if she is someone YOU want to sleep with, go on a date with, or kiss.

So it is your choice. Learn lots of techniques to earn her attraction, appear confident, trick her into believing you are qualifying her, or take on the mindset that allows all of that to be second nature. Is it easy to know in your heart you are attractive to everyone you meet and they want to be around you? No it is not, but imagine how much better your life will be if you can personify confidence. It is only your insecurity that makes you work so hard at tricks and techniques that make you APPEAR confident. Take the first steps to being confident and start assuming attraction. I guarantee at some point if you are being genuine with a woman she will start being attracted to you. In other words when you show who you really are genuinely she will be attracted to you. Embrace this fact and apply it generously. When you are you, everyone will be attracted to you. In other words you can just assume she is attracted to you and stop worrying about getting her to be attracted to you. It is much easier to do this and then spend your time getting to know if you are attracted to her or not for anything besides her looks.

If you can’t do this, take some time off pickup and go develop things in your life you are confident about and enjoy. “You have to be willing to fuck yourself before anyone else will!” J. Saviour

Agenda

2006-10-01T23:04:00.000-07:00

Recently I was thinking back over the many interactions I have had re-assessing what has been successful and what has not. I actually started thinking back to HBCowboyBoots and what happened with her. She was intelligent and interesting and I definitely wanted to create something with her. I technically did everything correctly in the method relating and rewarding with lots of disqualification. I thought it was going pretty good actually even though she was not exactly like most women I’ve met. While I won’t take complete credit for it falling apart I identified one thing I was doing very wrong. I realize this was where I make most of my critical mistakes. I had an agenda with her.

When I meet a really incredible woman I begin to have an agenda. Of course I want it to go well and so it makes sense why I have an agenda. The problem is even evident in the first sentence, “When I meet a really incredible woman.” How do I know she is an incredible woman? The problem is that I see she meets some of my internal qualifications for the type of woman I want to be with and I assume she meets the rest of them. The fact is I really don’t know this woman yet. I don’t care if she is a Nobel Prize winner, if she likes to snap the heads off of cute furry animals in secret I don’t want to be with her. I fall into the trap that many guys fall into. I start putting her on a pedestal once I have pre-qualified her in my head. Once she is pre-qualified she enters my fast track to LTR road and my agenda gets typed out in triplicate and submitted to all parts of my game.

Looking at some of my more successful interactions where a woman puts ME on her fast track to LTR, I didn’t have an agenda. I spent my time getting to know her and never put her on a pedestal. I however did begin to really strongly appreciate who she was as a person. The more depth I drew out of her the more I was attracted to her yet I was ok with letting things progress without an agenda. These interactions I also never lost my frame of wanting to find out who she was before jumping ahead of myself. They not only were more fun and playful but they also escalated quicker.

So from here on out I invite you to join me on a new frame. I must get to know every woman I meet much deeper before creating an agenda. I will constantly be checking everyone’s pockets for furry animal parts and even if don’t find them I’ll constantly be on the look out for skeletons in closets. This will help me remember that no one is perfect and I have to get to know her much better before I decide what my agenda is.

The great result of this is, that women begin to get a sense from me that I have options. I am not in that “I must have her” mode. What really scares women the most is when they sense that “ I want you, I must have you” in guys. It creates a very instinctual predator/prey response that makes her want to run. Women sense your agenda before you even know you have one. Drop your agenda and remember everyone has skeletons in their closet and no one is perfect. No matter how attractive she is she might just have some dark secrets.

When you can learn to drop your agenda with all people they will begin to feel more comfortable around you and know your being genuine.

Supplication

2006-09-26T10:59:00.000-07:00

What is supplication? In the community it is a huge topic that is important to understand. However avoiding supplication can be taken way too far at times as I have already illuminated in previous blogs. Supplication is really when you are doing or saying something that shows desperate interest. Whenever you do something for anyone else to “make” them like you is a form of supplication. So here is a story of my supplication.

Last year there was a woman who I met who I put so high on a pedestal that I almost worshiped her. The very first night I met her I gave her foot rub. It was the beginning of the end. She felt sick in the early part of the week and I delivered her soup at her work. I was so proud of myself for my thoughtful gestures and knew it was sure to show how good a guy I was. We went out to a play later that week. It was heaven; an outdoor theatre sharing a blanket watching an incredible production of Faustus. Our hands intermingled and I caressed her fingers. Later we took a walk in the park and kissed in the middle of a labyrinth. Under a blanket of stars we walked and talked for hours. The next day she received a delivery of flowers at her work. I had all of her friends coming up to me telling me I was the most romantic guy they had ever met. So what went wrong?

The reason she started avoiding going on more dates with me was complicated. She was dating other people and without even asking me what I thought about it, she just assumed I wanted a relationship; I can’t blame her, my actions spoke pretty loud. I had made dating her a very heavy thing. I was showing a lot of interest and treating her in a way she didn’t feel she earned just for being who she was. She felt me put her too high on a pedestal. This is what I consider supplication.

The idea of this romance is the dream of most women, but when it comes to reality it is too much. Fantasy stays fantasy for a reason. If things happened like in a romance novel, women would feel like they could fall off that pedestal at any minute. They know and realize they are not perfect. If you see an image of them that is not reality they feel you don’t see who they really are. Every woman wants to be seen as unique and special, but wants to be loved flaws and all. If you are too blind to see the flaws she will be scared for that time when you do see them.

Supplication is whenever you show interest in a way that she doesn’t feel she deserves. Even if she is actively manipulating you into it she doesn’t respect you because you are falling for it. This is why in the community we don’t buy drinks or dinners for women we first start dating. Does that mean I never buy drinks or dinners? Sure I do; but by that time it becomes an equal exchange. I have shown I am not trying to buy her affection. We have both paid for drinks and dinners at times. A woman who feels she is entitled to things being paid for her has a wake up call when she dates me. She may not like it but she will respect me more for it.

So the real litmus test now for me to understand whether I am supplicating to a woman is this: “Am I doing this to make her like me more? Would I do this for a new acquaintance? Could she see me doing this as a way to earn her affections?”

If you are not sure whether you are supplicating then try this, always make it equal; even if it is only implied equality. Sure feel free to buy her coffee or a drink if you ask her out, it is polite; however imply some level of exchange. “I’ll get this round of drinks but you get to give the first back rub tonight!” Or set it up from the start as an equal exchange. “Ok, let’s play a game, I’ll buy you a drink that I think represents your personality, and you buy me a drink that represents mine.”

Understanding the idea of equal exchange in your interactions and desperate interest will help you avoid supplication yet not go overboard and not do anything nice for someone.

Inner Game Mindset

2006-09-20T07:54:00.000-07:00

People often assume the Charisma Arts method has to have a certain mindset to work effectively. That you must already be confident and assured before you will have success. I would like to point out that this mindset really is required before you will get any real degree of success with any method. You can only trick people into thinking your confident for so long. So to help with calibration, I want to verbalize some of my understandings of the mindset of a confident successful person. If you are having trouble embracing these, I have put them in affirmation form. Print them out and put them on your mirror. Tell yourself these affirmations every day until you start believing and embracing them.

I am an interesting person; people want to talk with and be around me!

The mindset when you are going up to talk to new people is that they will WANT to talk to you once they get to know you a bit. Besides you wanting to find out about someone else, you just assume that people will want to talk to you and are attracted to being around you. If you can’t internalize this, then start doing more things in your life that interest you. Then realize you are an interesting person!

All people are interesting, and it is my aspiration to uncover that uniqueness in every person I talk to!

Being genuinely interested is not just a naïve idealism that all people are wonderful and worth talking to. It has real applicable benefits to you personally. Despite being a pillar of charisma, you begin to realize everyone has a different view on the world and has very different areas of knowledge and expertise. However it is not these things that are interesting about them, it is their understandings and views on them that can shape and change your understandings and views on the things you are interested in. For example ever notice a musician when listening to the radio hears so much more than we do? They hear the harmonies, the structure, the mistakes, and the character of the music in so much more detail. I don’t really care about the structure of music that much however the way they listen to music is a totally different approach than mine. I can appreciate and learn from a musician so much about active listening and discernment. That is something that does interest me and can be a great value to me in my life. One side note; you don’t have to like a person to be interested in them. I definitely don’t like everyone I meet, however I am interested in talking with him or her.

I will not take negativity and bad reactions around me personally!

Remember that people’s reactions to anything are conditioned. A negative reaction to a warm friendly approach is due to their conditioning and the response is really a response to their past experiences, not you. If someone reacts negatively to you the worst thing is to get defensive and take it personally. They don’t even know you, why would they NOT want to talk to such a fun and interesting person? Agree and use disqualifications instead of defensiveness.

I will decide if a woman is worth my sexual interest based on whom she is, not how she looks!
Just last night a buddy of mine got to talk to a gorgeous woman from LA in our very small town. Every guy in the bar was queuing up to talk to her, yet after just two minutes of talking to her he found her an un-attractive person to be around because she thought she was better than everyone in our town. The reason a natural method works like Charisma Arts is because you aren’t interested in her sexually until she shows you she is worth that interest. You don’t hold off your interest like in an indirect method, you realize deeply that she hasn’t earned your interest yet and besides being aesthetically pleasing hasn’t offered you any reason to show your interest yet. You don’t know that hot woman yet! How can you put her on a pedestal above you before you even know her?

So these are some of the things that I try to exemplify when I live my life and am out talking to people. I know the idea of using affirmations is kind of corny, but they really do work to change your internal picture of yourself. Think of them as stepping-stones on the path to a more confident mindset that will increase your success.

How to relate: Further musings

2006-09-18T17:21:00.000-07:00

Recently on a phone consult and this last seminar I did, the topic of how you relate your emotions came up. I clarified some things for people and it seemed to help.

When you are relating you are either relating to a thing, fact, topic, or emotion. Maybe even other things. All are fine. I personally like to relate to the emotion. What is important is you relate with the “I” perspective and you speak about how you feel.

If you relate on topics with information on similar topics it can only work if you have similar emotions about those topics. To use Matt’s example if you both talk about skiing, and she enjoys the adrenaline of it and you just enjoy pushing little kids down the bunny slope, you really have nothing in common. So that is the danger in relating on topics, facts, or things, with the same. If your lucky, when you talk about a topic and you connect, it is actually the emotions surrounding that thing or topic that you both have in common that creates the bond between you. So just skip the middleman and talk about the way things make you feel.

To do that I’ve broken it down to a simple system; this is a very restrictive way of thinking about it but can start you off. You should abandon this as soon as you understand it.

--Ask an open ended question and vacuum.
------------If you get a good answer, continue. If not ask the two magic questions:
---------------------How did that feel? Or What was that like?
--Say, “I like that”, and explain why you like that.
--Then say, “I can relate to that” and:
-----Option One: Tell the first story that comes to mind that explains a situation where you felt a similar emotion to her emotion and explain how that situation made you feel that way. Then also explain how that situation made you feel at least two other emotions and how it did that.
-----Option Two: Tell the first story that comes to mind where that topic, fact, or thing, was involved in your story and explain how that topic, fact, or thing, made you feel three different emotions and how it did that.
--Then either she will say something and relate to you, or you should ask another open-ended question and repeat the same cycle.

That is the classic method: getting commitment, reward, relate, and repeat.

You don’t have to just relate to her emotions (although I find it more effective), you just have to relate using YOUR emotions because it allows her to relate to you better. Remember if you are having trouble talking with emotions, NAME your emotion that you felt and explain how the situation made you feel that way with lots of details, so she can understand and relate to you. Details such as colors, sounds, textures, just like in a good piece of writing, allows her to put herself in your shoes and experience what you are relating much better.

Alpha Nice

2006-09-16T10:28:00.000-07:00

The perils of the secret agent; life is filled with obstacles to overcome. Secrecy and a quick wit are essential; you never know whom to trust. That man approaching, does he intend to foil your best-laid plans and reach your target before you, putting the entire mission at risk? Interception is your only choice. You approach him fully armed and ready to disarm his attack. Your plan is to ascertain his degree of threat and take him out discreetly. You approach him and begin interplay so layered with attempts at dominance people literally stop to listen to see the results of this verbal battling of will. Cordial on the outside and fierce and cutting between every word, your emotions although masked by subterfuge, burn with fury as you achieve your goal. The obstacle has been disarmed and walks away speechless as you establish your place at the top in the hierarchy of human interaction. You turn to your target, a sweet looking brunette with vital importance as an international contact. Filled with the confidence of showing your alpha status you introduce yourself. Her face turns dour. You stand there in shock, as you had not planned for this contingency. She places her hand on your shoulder and leans in to whisper in your ear. In a deep British accent, she says “You’re a fucking wanker, you know that? Do you really expect me to give you the time of day, when you speak to my brother that way?” She turns around and walks away from you. Mission status: Critical. Failure to complete objective.

Hmm is being a secret agent that much different than what we are trying to do? I mean most of the guys certainly talk like secret agents, with all this disarming obstacles and observing the target’s IOIs. It really shouldn’t be this difficult. Luckily it is not. You will always find that if you are looking out for a negative, it will come find you. These are people we are talking with. Let’s not objectify them with fancy acronyms and community-speak. We are people trying to relate and experience interactions with other people. Personally I think that much of the community’s lingo dehumanizes people and encourages objectification of women. These are real people you are talking to, not targets, obstacles, and AMOGs. When you view everyone as an adversary that is exactly what you will get. Every woman will have her bitch shield at full power, with her shit tests fully armed and ready to fire. Obstacles will swoop in and cock-block your attempts. This will attract AMOGs to destroy your game and you will be left a sniveling AFC.

So now that I have given up my secret agent days I see the bar as a whole new environment. Every smile that is returned to me is an opportunity to experience a new friendship in the making. Married women and boyfriends are people with interesting experiences that I can relate to, and even sometimes widen my entire social circle by befriending them. That awkward guy lurking near the group I am talking to becomes an invited friend, and displays my genuine ability to be social with everyone.

Charisma Arts teaches only one technique to “AMOG” someone, that is a negative presumption. I get to that spot in my notes every Sunday and I tell stories from other instructors who have had experiences using that. I almost feel false because I don’t have any personal experience with using that technique. I have never had to even once. I’ve never been AMOGed in a bar while working. I guess what they say is true that “you attract to you what you fear most.”

Group dynamics are really not hard; they don’t have to be drawn out into a schematic. Simply put, approach those closest to you, and include the entire group in your introduction, if even just a wave to those you can’t reach. Be sure to be warm and friendly, especially to guys in a group. Then choose a friendly person to talk to and start a conversation. Converse with whomever you want to in a group. Be friendly to all and include those around you in the group. If someone approaches immediately introduce yourself and project a warm vibe.

If someone is not friendly to you the easiest thing is to be extra friendly to him or her, and continue to engage him or her. If they ignore you or is mean, it really makes them look bad. If they something negative it makes them look worse. Just never let it bother you and everyone will know whom the true alpha male is.

So be alpha nice, not alpha. Include people, and have conversations to find out interesting things about people. Leave your secret agent mentality at home locked up and sealed in your exploding safe.

SF Chronicle Article

2006-09-13T23:43:00.000-07:00

Charm School Boot Camp instructor Dan Williams -- or the Social Hitchhiker, as he's known in the pickup community, is offering the lesson of the day to a table of men at the Bamboo Hut in North Beach on a recent Friday night.

"OK guys," he says, "I don't want to see you alone. You know what we call that -- lonesome row. I don't want to see you standing alone, ever.

[Podcast: Reyhan Harmanci talks to two pickup artists.]

"Also, don't end a conversation too early. Don't end a conversation before someone, like, pushes you away and says, 'Go away,' " he says, grinning. "Seriously, you can talk to someone for much longer than you think."

The five students, ranging in age from 22 to late 40s, and ranging in career from college student to financier, nod. Their faces are tight. Each has paid $1,600 to spend two and half days learning the art of the pickup from Charisma Arts, a company founded by one of the best-known names in the pickup world, Wayne Elise, a.k.a. Juggler. They have spent most of Friday afternoon in a small room in the Westin St. Francis Hotel, getting to know each other, their instructors and the basic tenets of the Juggler method. They've learned some new words -- "kino" means touching, "PUA" means "pickup artist," "SOI" means "statement of interest," "the vacuum" is the space in conversation that happens after you ask a question. They're role-played and checked in about their feelings. They've asked many, many questions. Some have taken notes.

But now it's time to take those lessons into the field.

While the venue's atmosphere screams "party" with red lights, tiki torches and dance music, the feeling at the table is icy. The increasingly crowded bar seems miles away and a hundred feet tall from the point of view of the seated apprentices.

"OK, guys," says Chad de la Vega, another instructor, sounding like a coach firing up his team of second-stringers heading onto the field for a maiden scrimmage. "Go out there! Go!"

One by one, the men, who asked not to be identified, push themselves out of the round booth and toward the bar. Two of the students pair off and talk to each other while eyeing the crowd. One of the younger students lingers a moment alone at the end of the bar before he takes a few tentative steps toward a woman sitting alone. He straightens his shirt and then leans in toward her.

The two instructors sit back in the booth and nod approvingly. He looks awkward, fidgeting, eyes clearly focused on a spot behind the bar rather than the woman's face, but it's still a success. He's approached a stranger and started talking. He's on his way.

But as the weekend unfolds, something strange happens: The men stop talking about women. They become focused on a more distant goal, secondary to the immediate rewards of simple socializing. For these five students and countless other men who have been drawn into the "seduction community" by reading Neil Strauss' bestselling book, "The Game," social anxiety hinders more than their dating life. They have come together because, in the words of a 26-year-old seminar participant, they "suck at communication."

And at the end of the weekend, the tally of phone numbers (for the record, the group of five collected a total of three numbers and one impromptu coffee date) doesn't even figure in the final analysis, as the men go around in a circle and talk about their expectations at the start of the weekend and what they feel they accomplished. "I'm not a virgin anymore when it comes to socializing," said one happy student.

There was a lot of talk about "feeling good" and "opening up" and "learning about myself." One man spoke at length about his tendency to be selfish in his interactions, and how he needs to become more empathetic with others. Hugs abounded. The weekend's mascot seemed to be more Robert Bly than Don Juan.

The response of the students doesn't surprise the instructors. "We tell people, it's a little bit of a trick," says Williams. "They come in here to learn how to talk to women and we teach them how to talk to everyone."

Charisma Arts is more demure than most of the schools of the seduction community, or as it's known, the Community. As chronicled in "The Game," the Community got its start in the late '80s with posts on online message boards by a man named Ross Jeffries, who adopted hypnotic techniques called "Neuro-Linguistic Programming" to develop a pickup method he named "Speed Seduction." As other message boards sprung up, other names emerged over the past six years -- Mystery, Juggler, Papa, Tyler Durden -- who wrote to each other, met each other, and tried to find fail-safe ways to have success with women -- often narrowly defined as having sex with them. Strauss, a New York Times writer who abandoned his identity as Neil Strauss, taking on the moniker "Style," brought that world to the mainstream with his Times article and book, which has been optioned as a movie.

Unlike the routine-heavy Mystery method, the aggressive cocky-funny David D'Angelo method, the hypnotic Speed Seduction technique or any number of copy-cat sites, Charm School focuses on the elusive goal of "being yourself."

On the first afternoon, de la Vega laid out the fundamental rule of the Juggler method: Everyone is interesting. "It's your job to find out what's unique and special about everyone you talk to," de la Vega says, as the group stares at him. "We don't teach routines. And we don't want you to be performing all the time -- the conversation should be 50-50. You can have girls laughing and laughing but if they don't put in any effort, they're not committed. It's like a TV show -- you can always turn it off."

Once the "set" is opened, the name of the game is reward and escalate; with every step forward conversationally, there should be steps forward physically (kino!). But the emphasis remained on conversational skills that would pertain equally to men and women. It wasn't until the third and final day that flirting techniques were put forth -- the "push and pull," where positive statements are couched as negative to create humor or tension, and "sexual barriers" are introduced, as in "I want to kiss you but I'm afraid too many people are watching."

"I'm not going to lie," Williams said. "I'm a man and I want sex and I'm probably going to want it faster than the woman. But this is a respectful way of making my intentions known."

After a long Friday in the classroom, and Friday night in the field, where the group hopped to the Velvet Lounge after spending time at the Bamboo Hut, Saturday brought no relief for the guys. This is Boot Camp, after all. After the events of the night were parsed through at a coffee shop (no one did more than converse with their quarry, although all the men reported increased confidence after being forced to interact with strangers for three hours), it was time for a new lesson: daytime pickups. The troop headed over to Borders off Union Square to start chatting up book lovers.

With its structured rules, tight hierarchy and reliance on code words, the seduction game reeks of adolescent male bonding rituals. As Strauss notes in "The Game," "There is nothing more bonding than picking up girls together. It is the basis for great friendship. Because afterward, when the girls are gone, you can finally give each other the high-five you've been holding out since you met them ... It's not just the sound of skin hitting skin; it's the sound of brotherhood."

The successful professional PUAs, such as Juggler, recognize this and to some degree exploit it: all three instructors of Charm School Boot Camp were at one time customers of Charm School Boot Camp. Graduates of Boot Camp have access to private message boards where they can ask questions and tell stories of life post Boot Camp as well as a one-hour phone call with an instructor. The instructors say it's common for graduates to keep in touch and to hang out long after the seminar is over.

As for this group, it seems unlikely that any PUAs will emerge. All the participants said that the lack of routines or complicated manipulations were what attracted them to the Juggler method in the first place. But it's easy to see how one could get seduced by the seduction game. In an e-mail sent a week after the course, the 26-year-old student raves, "I went from a guy who was scared to talk to a stranger because I didn't know what to say, to a guy who is scared to talk to a stranger because the stranger is gonna start opening up and it's just so odd to me since I have never in my life had people open up to me," but ends the e-mail on a darker note.

"The only thing I'm scared of every minute of my life after the workshop, is that I will go back to being my old self," he says. The solution to that problem? He will "keep working on the method."

E-mail Reyhan Harmanci at rharmanci@sfchronicle.com.

Personalize Your Rewards

2006-09-12T13:03:00.000-07:00

Just like you should speak in the “I” perspective so that people can get to know you, you should make your rewards specific to one person. So often I find myself rewarding the gender of women in general “You know I like that, I love it when a woman is passionate about her career.” However, that is actually a poor way to reward the person your talking to, and in fact comes off sounding like a qualification that you just built around their statement. Instead make it personal “I really like that you are so passionate about your career!”

I used to reward that way a lot. One girl I had called me out on it once. I said something like, “I love it when a women are bold enough to initiate sex” as she was on top of me. She clearly said to me “Try saying that you like how ‘I’ am bold enough, I don’t want you to be putting me in the same class as every other woman you have had.”

Women want to be unique. So make your rewards about them, and specifically them. Not women in general and not “a” woman in general. Use the word “you”.

Building a Social Circle

2006-09-06T08:18:00.000-07:00

One of the most fulfilling things about the Charima Arts Method is the ability to use it in all aspects of your life. An important step in becoming a confidant high value male is building a strong social circle.

Guys have a weird homophobic fear of talking to other guys unless they are rooting for a sports team together or at the same occupation. Over and over clients are reluctant to approach a lone guy or group of guys at a bar. I simply encourage them to do it without a lot of tips or explanation. What they find is it is very easy. Most guys, who are not already talking to a woman, are very open to talking with you. They want to look cool so they certainly don’t seem friendly. However, if you approach them the same as you would a woman, with a nice warm vibe, you will find they are actually really happy to talk to you.

My only suggestion on talking to guys is mention women in the first couple minutes of the conversation. If you do this they will know you are not gay and trying to hit on them, and what group of guys doesn’t want to talk about the hot women in the bar? Instant conversation!

Once you connect with more guys in your everyday life start getting their phone numbers and invite them to do things with you. Believe me, once you number close a strange guy and see how non-homosexual it feels, it will be easy.

Start developing things in your life you enjoy doing and then start inviting men and platonic women every time you do these things. It may be slow at first but more and more your invitations will start being accepted and you will start getting invitations of your own. My rule here is NEVER if you can help it, turn down an invitation. That is a sure way to not get another invite. Even if you can only make a brief appearance do so. It will show you are a social guy who will show up if someone invites you.

Build your life into an interesting adventure with lots of hobbies, sports, or outings. It will make you happier and more confident, then start including other people as well. This will ensure if you are trying to build a good social circle you will have a life that is attractive to other to be a part of.

Two other tips: first, if you have a nice house or apartment, start throwing house parties! This is a great way to get people to know you and build your social proof. Second, don’t spend every night sarging! Take time to spend dating and going out with the large list of phone numbers you get while living your life and the times you do go out to the bars. The other nights spend going out with friends. If you want to do an approach or two, great, introduce your non-community friends to new women. They will definitely want to hang out with you then!

My thought I want to leave you with. If guys are going out sarging every night when do they have time to go out with all the women they meet? I found I could barely go out once a week without having too many women to call and juggle on all of my other free nights. Makes me wonder a bit about the community guys I see out at the bar every night. I think it is a good thing to go out sarging once a week and then the rest of the week go out with the women you are dating and your friends the rest of the nights. Don’t have a bunch of women to date yet? Go out with friends and do some approaches here and there the other nights. That way you can practice meeting new people and introducing them to your group. Merge sets, and introduce your friends to new people.

I think the best advice I can give a lot of guys in the community on building a strong social network is don’t give up your non-community friends. Build those relationships stronger. Also stop talking game 24/7!!!! Try having normal conversations and making non-community friends.

Good luck, here is a goal; invite at least one stranger who is a guy out to do something this week. You will find it is easier than you think!

Women and Emasculation

2006-09-05T11:28:00.000-07:00

Let’s start with understanding that women naturally want a strong confident man. In so doing they unconsciously test you to see how well you stand up to that ideal of theirs. The important thing to realize though is they do it UNCONCIOUSLY. Women don’t want to break you down; they just find themselves doing it and then resenting you for it. It is very difficult to spot and fight against in all cases. You probably already have been the victim of emasculation. Why do they do this though?

Women need reassurance constantly about how you feel about them. It is important you give that to them freely and openly. However women also need to know you are strong. By criticizing you, testing you, and putting you in situations that are uncomfortable they get constant reminders of just how strong or weak you are and how well you will be able to fill that “protector and provider” role.

So how do you avoid being emasculated? There are simple things you can do to avoid and deal with many of the tests being thrown out at you. One is begin to build a strong sense of self-identity. Disqualify whenever there are criticisms of what you wear, think, do, or say. Know what you like, want, and seek out in life; NEVER compromise on these things for her. If you compromise your ideals or passions you will be kicked to the curb before you know it. In fact actively cultivate them and take time away from her to make sure you are pursuing something in your life other than your relationship. Pickup is not one of those things.

Secondly learn to call a woman out on things. This is a very difficult thing to do and takes practice. It is something I am actively working on at the moment and I’m sure I’ll post more blogs about this as I explore this further. The main idea is that when you are strong enough to stand up to a woman, then you are strong enough to be that “protector and provider” even when the only saber tooth tiger in a hundred miles is the one that she has created for you and is within her. However when you do it, never be rude; make sure you start with something like: “I hear that you are saying _________” and repeat back to her what she said to you. Continue to do this until what you are saying matches what she feels she said. Then reply to it strongly with your side and be firm. If you haven’t made an opinion on it yet, then tell her you know where she is at and you need to solidify how you feel about it and that will take you some time to think about it. Don’t continue talking.

Women can understand social issues far faster than men. They actually have larger parts of their brains for dissecting and understanding these things while in the very situation. Guys actually need time away from a situation to focus on it better and check in with how they feel. Tell her you hear what she is saying, but you need time to think about how you feel about it. Re-assure her you will not dodge this but instead set a specific time to talk about it later. When you get a chance to spend some time away from the conversation you will be able to know where you are at on the subject and can come back being much stronger and more assured in where we are at and our opinions.

The key in avoiding emasculation is simply being strong in who you are. Don’t always be looking for shit tests, or her trying to emasculate you. That is a sure way to create problems. You will start to see them where they are not if you get in that mindset. Cultivate a strong sense of self and know it is ok to stand up to others criticisms of you. Be open minded to change but change because you want to, not because others want you to.

The art of NOT qualifying

2006-09-02T22:11:00.000-07:00

This is a repost of a reply i put on the alumni board trying to clear up some confusion about my DQ blog post. Sorry if some of it doesn't make sense, it was replies to specific points. Regardless i think it explains further my thoughts on not Qualifying people.

------
Ok, since my ears are burning on this one i decided to drop in and clarify MY stand on it, not necessarily CA's stand on this.

I have not figured out quoting so bear with me while i refer to points everyone has made. I'll start from the top and work down.

I want to point out Qualifying a woman does often increase her attraction for you. I would actually disagree with Sexy Intent's assertion that DQ is really only good for ONS. I think qualification will also and only work for short term relationships.

Yes qualifying makes a woman chase you more. The problem is she then CHANGES herself to be liked by you. She changes herself to fit your qualifications so you will like her more. In fact if you set up a qualification you will not get to know her better, you will only see what she wants you to see. by qualifiying her you are saying "You are not ok if you don't fit my qualifcation, and i won't be with you". So if she wants to be with you even slightly then she will try to appear like she is the person you want. So qualifications WONT allow you to get to know her better.

So how do you determine what a girl is really like w/o qualifying/screening her? Well you won't find out by qualifying her, you will only see what she wants to show you. By disqualifying yourself and her, then you create a situation where she feels REALLY comfortable being herself around you. She will begin to show you all sorts of things about herself she wouldn't feel comfortable telling anyone else. She will feel comfortable showing her sexual interest because she knows you won't judge her. No one wants to change for someone else. You not wanting her to change will seperate you from everyone else and build much stronger attraction than any qualification will.

Guys who use qualifications in the community come off confidant, that builds attraction. However it will not be a stable foundation for a lasting relationship. AFC's have qualifications but make exceptions and supplicate, then resent the woman for not meeting their unspoken qualification. I think guys who disqualify and just choose a woman who fits their qualifications over those who don't have a lot better chance at building a good relationship.

In fact if you disqualify yourself and her, then you find out who she is and what she's like FAR faster an more completely than someone who sets up qualifications and only finds out she is different later.

Keep your qualifications to yourself. Choose whether you want to be with her based on her true expression of herself, not her trying to jump into your qualifcations.

Ok how to disqualify a woman. This is a qualification wh puts upon herself or you have put on her by accident.

"I know i said i don't like gossipy people, however i definetly have found myself falling into the trap of gossiping about a coworker way too often."

"I defiinitely agree with you about how important style is and looking good is, however i love it when you(a woman) meet me for breakfast without makeup on, it shows me just how confident & comfortable with me you are."

I think it is a rare thing for people to feel completely comfortable with who they are. We are always trying to change ourselves so others like us. When someone runs into me and i make them feel 100% ok with being themself that sets me apart so much further than some confident guy who uses qualifications. NO ONE these days is ok with people just as they are. That shows real value that you can do that.

Even women i don't date long term i make them know i am ok with who they are just as they are. My internal qualifications that don't allow me to pursue a relationship with her are not voiced unless she asks why i don't want to be in a relationship. Then even when that happens, i tell her she is perfect just the way she is, that if she were to change just to be with me she would resent me later.

We all have internal qualifications, just keep them to yourself. Enjoy a person for who they are. Just because you can't be in a LTR with them does not mean you can't have fun and enjoy a short term relationship with her.

Qualifying and rewarding are two very different things! The vacuum is not a qualification, it is simply stating when you ask a question you expect an answer. I mean why would you ask if you didn't? A reward is something you appreciate in her and you are encouraging, a qualification is a real clear statement. "If you do or are X, then i like you" That is NOT a reward. That is an ultimatum. I appreciate and reward people for who they are regardless of whether i like them of not. I just choose to reward them for things i see as valuable, and don't reward them for things i dissaprove of. I don't set up a qualification that i will not like them if they do something i don't like. I accept them for 100% of who they are, the good and the bad. I just encourage the natural things they do that i like.

Dymn's post:

If you want a girl who likes threesomes, find one. Don't change someone to fit that or it will never last between you. She will resent you if you qualify her into saying that is ok if it isn't. The way you let her off is you disqualify.

"I know i said i like you because you are open to threesomes, but i understand reality and fantasy are two different things. I sometimes get caught up in the idea of something rather than the reality of it. I realize the most important thing to me is that you are always honest with how you feel even if it is different than what i feel." Now she can feel free to say to you she is not comfortable with a threesome. Also get her honest feelings so you can choose whether you want to stay with her.

Sexy Intent, you explained that well. Although like i said the only thing i disagree with is that qualifications actually work great for ONS, but so do DQ's. They both work good for attraction building in the short term. But DQ's work better all the way through a relationship.

Prof:

You can do that in a way that is powerful and confidant. You just say exactly how you feel without making it a judgement on her.

"I love to be sexually adventurous. That feeling of discovering where peoples comfort zones are and creating a space where someone can let loose is so erotic to me."

See how this just says what you like but doesn't set up an ultimatum for someone? It also doesn't set a benchmark of what you think is adventurous. So for the poor girl who thinks anything but missionary position is adventurous can express herself the same as a girl who wants to try threesomes. It also allows her to talk about WHAT she feels is adventurous.

SHH

Lead In

2006-08-29T11:28:00.000-07:00

How do you present a new topic? Do you find yourself standing there not saying anything knowing what you want to talk about but don’t know how to introduce the subject? Try a lead in. It is a technique that explains why you are switching topics.

In a previous blog I told you to have a number of topics you like to talk about and an open-ended question to get into that topic. Now try a lead in. It is simply a statement before the open-ended question that explains why you are asking the question.

Topic: Adventure
Lead in: You strike me as possibly being an adventurous person.
Open-ended Q: What was the last adventurous thing you have done?

Topic: Passion
Lead in: The most fascinating thing about meeting new people is finding out what they are passionate about.
Open-ended Q: What are you really passionate about?

You can cut right to deep interesting questions if you use a lead in. Otherwise questions like the above alone can bee too much.

You in fact should have a lead-in in your head when you are approaching or asking any question. It is basically the reason you are doing what you are doing or why you’re asking. Even if you don’t verbalize the reason or the lead in, having it in the back of your head makes you more genuine and able to respond to their question of “why are you asking me that”, whether they say it or just think it.

So try a lead in the next time you want to start a new topic of conversation!

To Qualify, or not to Qualify; DQ is the Question

2006-08-24T19:02:00.000-07:00

Much of the conventional thought in the community right now is that you should qualify women. It is supposed to create a demonstration of value and a hoop for her to jump through. Whenever someone has to work for your attention they want it more, right?

Well recently I have changed my attitude about this subject. I used to (Even on earlier blog posts) think that qualifying women to get them to make agreements on things, such as not being dramatic, allowing you to stay out late with your friends, or any other thing we want out of women in a relationship, would be a beneficial thing. What I found is that small qualifications were somewhat inconsequential, and in fact did not actually achieve that goal. Larger qualifications about personality, temperament, etc, would actually destroy your relationship in the end.

My last girlfriend I qualified the hell out of. I said I wanted all sorts of things. I wanted an adventurous woman willing to go camping with me, I wanted her to hold many of my spiritual values, and I didn’t want her to be dramatic. Well I really should have dated someone else. In the beginning she always jumped at the chance to show me she was who I wanted her to be. Eventually it broke down and she resented me for wanting her to be someone different from who she was.

Qualifying women at the beginning of a relationship works to get them to want you more. However it sets up a very bad precedent for a future relationship. If she has traits you don’t want then find someone else, seriously, do yourselves both a favor. You don’t want to have to change for her, don’t expect her to change for you.

Disqualifying on the other hand creates a really powerful thing. It creates a bubble where you two can exist just as you are with no expectations about each other. This is even more powerful because when a woman feels like you are ok with her just the way she is she will be more comfortable with you. This leads to her being more confident around you and improves her sense of who she is. Since most people don’t do this it will bond her to you even stronger. It is very attractive when you can be 100% yourself around someone. The side benefit is you seem more confident because you disqualify yourself as well and she becomes more attracted to you through that.

If you want a certain trait in a woman, choose women in your life with those traits naturally. Don’t try to qualify them into being something they are not. Instead of trying to qualify the drama out of her, be a man and speak up and call her out on her bad behavior.

Don’t qualify women out loud, instead if you find yourself qualifying her, disqualify instead. It will allow her to feel more comfortable with you because is shows your confidence and tolerance.

Be The Man!

2006-08-20T10:52:00.000-07:00

Like it or not, men are born to be providers and protectors. Genetically we are stronger and bigger so we can hunt food and protect our woman. It is in our genes and we can’t escape it. Women consistently seek the most fit provider and protector they can find. In our society being the provider and protector means very different things than it did when we were living as hunters and gatherers.

Women have to know you are strong and confident. The interesting thing is you can be a ninety-eight pound weakling with a crappy job and still be seen as the most fit provider and protector. It is about confidence and attitude.

Here are what I see as modern traits that will allow you to be seen as the most fit protector and provider:

You are confident in making decisions.

You provide a safe space for a woman to be vulnerable with you.

You respond to adversity well.

Doing these things is really not that hard. The first can be achieved simply by confidently making choices that pertain to the both of you. Choose the place you meet and the time. Make a statement when you want to do something, don’t ask; “Let’s go get some coffee” instead of “Would you like to go and get some coffee?” This is not being controlling, because she has every right to decline or make her opinions known.

Providing a safe place for a woman to be vulnerable comes with practice, but not qualifying her and instead disqualifying a lot makes her comfortable to be herself around you. This is the easiest way to do this as well as listen and emotionally relate to her.

Responding to adversity is the tough one, yet I think it makes you the most attractive to a woman.

Having a positive attitude is the most important thing to cultivate. If you can look at the positive side to the worst things, you will be a lot less affected by them. Recently I’ve had some crazy stuff happen to me. My car was broken into and I lost a lot of really important things. I was able to see the positives though, and not let it worry me. This is one of the things that my new girl loves about me. My plane got delayed for four hours, while I sat on the runway in New York. I talked to her quite a while to pass the time. I was tired and grumpy, and I was really having a hard time staying positive. I just refused to complain though. Later the next day when she talked to me she was so impressed that I stayed positive where she would not have (of course I still disqualified). This communicates to someone your dating that even in the hard times you have the confidence and strength to be relied upon.

If you keep in mind these three things and cultivate them in your life more and more women will see you as the man they want to be with. Cars and money mean nothing compared to these character traits.

Post SOI

2006-08-17T07:56:00.000-07:00

When I was learning this method the SOI (Statement of Intent) was a godsend. It was clear once I made a SOI that the woman I was interested in knew that I was interested in having a non-platonic relationship. I found that as long as I tried to kiss her within a few dates and apply some mild kino, that SOI saved me from falling back into AFC-land. I was never in that much of a hurry to escalate and it was working for me for the most part. I did find some interactions stagnated though, and I knew I needed to escalate quicker, I just didn’t know how so I fumbled through letting her know my intentions to make the interaction more sexual.

A lot of guys ask me about how to escalate further once the SOI has been made. I found that once I started using Push Pull and Sexual Barriers my game skyrocketed and I never worried about how to escalate again. These two tools allow you to put your intentions out there and make it very clear what you want to do. What makes them so special is it allows you to make statements without putting any pressure on yourself or her to make something happen.

Push Pull and Sexual Barriers allow you to state your intentions very clearly but it doesn’t ask her to say yes or no. This is very advantageous for a few reasons. If you were to go too fast physically escalating for her, then she is put into a hard position. She has to stop you because she doesn’t want to appear desperate, however she may have been fine with a slower pace. All she is left with is trying to slow things down completely. If you ask her verbally or make a statement showing that you want to escalate but wait for her response, this also puts her in a hard position. She may be afraid to say yes and appear desperate, but she doesn’t want you to stop escalating. By putting her in this position you won’t get what you want. However when saying something like “I’ve been thinking about kissing you for the last 10 min, but really, your going to have to get to know me better before I do something like that.” What that does is it allows her to avoid the commitment of it. She doesn’t have to say yes or no to that. You just keep on going at that point. Most of the time you are going to kiss, and the rest you put it out there as a goal.

Using these tools like this allows you to state your intentions and put out a goal for the interaction, without either of you having to commit to this goal. When she knows where you are going with this, she will be highly interested in how you drive the interaction to this place. This is so powerful. You show you are not afraid to escalate; yet you don’t put any pressure on either of you to do so. She doesn’t have to feel like she appears desperate because she never has to commit to something that may be timed wrong or takes her by surprise. Doing it this way allows for all sorts of room for error yet still achieving your goal. Also, you can be very straightforward with what you want.

Here are some of my favorites to escalate an interaction. You are welcome to use them but you should find a way to make up your own.

“You are a very _________ person, that is really sexy, you have to stop it now you are really turning me on” (New version of our SOI)

“Seriously, stop it, if you keep telling me all this really cool stuff about you, I am not going to be able to control myself.”

“You are so passionate about that, I am really trying hard to not want to take you home right now, that is so sexy.”

“Listening to you talk is really becoming quite unbearable, your voice is too sensual, you better stop. I am going to have to go to the bathroom (get a drink, go outside for a smoke, etc) just to compose myself. Don’t go anywhere, I’ll be right back”

“I really can’t stop thinking about taking you home, but I really need to get to know you better first.”

“Honestly I can’t get this image out of my head, of my tongue running up the inside of your thighs, but I really don’t know you that well. So tell me something interesting about yourself most people don’t know, instead.”

Get Info!

2006-08-14T17:35:00.000-07:00

One of the most overlooked steps in the Charisma Arts Method is getting information.

It is your responsibility to drive the interaction. However if you are blindfolded no one is going to get into your car. I certainly wouldn’t get in a car with someone driving blindfolded. This manifests in interactions all the time. Her boyfriend is nearby, she is driving everyone home tonight, she is still living with her ex, etc. If you don’t find out about all of these things, she will not feel comfortable with you driving the interaction either.

“How do you all know each other?”, “Who are you here with?” and “What’s your relationship status?” are all important questions you can start with to gather information.

I see so many guys wonder why a woman is not committing to an interaction, to have him turn around and see her walk over to her boyfriend. You have to get information if you want to escalate an interaction anywhere. Don’t wait. Bring it up fairly quickly in the interaction and put no weight on either the question or the answer. It is just another topic. Remember there is no bad response. Information though, is power.

Drive the interaction with your eyes open. Know where you are going with the interaction and you will be able to avoid the monster potholes.

The Nice Guy

2006-08-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

A recent forum thread got me thinking about this topic. I used to think about it a lot and had a lot of trepidation concerning being seen as a nice guy. I really was the quintessential AFC nice guy. I once met a woman I had known for a bit and we started flirting with each other. She mentioned she couldn’t sleep with me because of some reason or another. I realize now this was just to allow herself to be clear she wasn’t desperate. She wanted to sleep with me. I ended up going back to her place, her friends left us alone, and I sat on the couch all night talking with her till five am afraid to even touch her because I wouldn’t want to cross any lines. She wanted to sleep with me. It is completely clear to me now. I was too much of a nice guy, read: wimp, to make a move.

So I quickly started to tell women I was an asshole, so I wouldn’t be put in the friend zone or be confused as a “Nice Guy”. I even came up with this routine about the nice guy vs. asshole. Nice guys were wimps, assholes had no respect, and I was a reformed nice guy that is now a respectful asshole. It worked for me for the most part. I could then stand up to a woman and not supplicate. I even had an excuse if she pressed it; I’m just an asshole. It was a bit of a disqualification as well.

After a while I learned that I was not going to cater to the whims of females. I would do things only because I truly wanted to do them. I became confident in standing up to women when they were trying to manipulate me into things. That is a very attractive thing to a woman; when you can stand up for yourself against them. Women are driven to emasculate men, but they do so always hoping you will stand up for yourself. If not, they get what they want anyway, although their attraction to you is a lot less.

Eventually I stopped worrying about being an asshole and I turned back into a nice guy. Most women I meet say how much of a nice guy I am. There is something different though. The difference is I can be a nice guy as long as I stand up for myself and know what I want. I am respectful and do numerous things for the women I am dating. I am just confident in making sure there is always an equal exchange of energy into the relationship. I don’t hold her on a pedestal and I knock myself off the pedestals she puts me on.

So I guess you can be a nice guy. What you don’t want to be is an insecure wimp. Stand up for yourself and make sure there is an equal exchange in all of your interactions. Be confident and clear in your interactions and you won’t be the wimpy nice guy.

Appreciation

2006-08-07T23:03:00.000-07:00

One of the first things I learned when working for someone else, was that if I was appreciated in my job, I enjoyed my job more and felt good about the people I worked for. When I wasn’t appreciated, no matter how good the job, I didn’t like my boss and didn’t want to work hard. Appreciation is a human need as important as food and water. Being such it can be a drug as well.

We grow up seeking appreciation and approval from our parents, siblings, teachers, friends, etc. Some of us even develop major issues in our life surrounding this very thing. We crave appreciation, approval, and attention and seek it out in everything we do. When someone genuinely appreciates us we can’t help but to feel good about ourselves, and feel good about the person who is giving us that.

Showing appreciation is at the heart of being charismatic. It is a reward like no other. I give my appreciation and approval out freely. I actively seek to appreciate people. It always pays me back tenfold. For example I was checking into the Hotel Max in Seattle; one of my favorite hotels I have been to. I started saying some kind appreciative words to the woman behind the desk, who had made my last stay so enjoyable, when the general manager overheard and gave me a free $25 sushi lunch! This happens to me all the time; from free desserts to hotel upgrades.

When you give your appreciation freely people will crave to be around you because you make them feel so good about themselves. It is such a powerful thing and will make you a very charismatic person.

Approval Seeking vs. Approval Giving

2006-08-05T16:07:00.000-07:00

A lot of people ask me about the proper mindset to make the Charisma Arts method work. It is really summed up in being approval giving rather than approval seeking. The Alpha (Nice) Male is someone who needs no validation from other people. He doesn’t talk to people with the goal of getting them to like him. He knows they will like him, instead wants to find out if he likes them. This leads to him giving his approval to people when he finds traits that he likes. Since most people are approval seeking and are constantly wanting validation in their social interactions, he is one of the only people giving them what they want, his approval.

Approval giving is very simple to do in theory, a little harder in practice. You have to rid yourself of approval seeking tendencies before you can be the opposite. Disqualification is a great technique to be able to show you are not approval seeking. Learning to agree and not be defensive is another technique. The most important thing though, is having a genuine interest in people. When you are looking to find interesting things out about others, you are no longer focusing on yourself. You can be authentic and confident; appreciating the people around you and making them feel comfortable.

Appreciating people is such a huge way to show you are approval giving. Do it for no other reason than that you genuinely enjoy something about them, or something they do. I can’t tell you how much free stuff this has gotten me. From hotel upgrades and perks, to free drinks and desserts; I love telling people how much I appreciate them because it makes them feel so good.

I feel like I am doing humanitarian work at times, making people happy wherever I go; brightening their day when their down. It is a really powerful tool to develop your charisma. People in our culture get too little appreciation and too few people recognizing and rewarding them for who they are. We need to be appreciated, so be the one giving the appreciation and people will start flocking to your side because you make them feel so good. You can’t be approval seeking when you are giving honest genuine appreciation to others.

New Charisma Arts Instructors

2006-08-03T12:32:00.000-07:00

They actually aren't that new, however their bio's are. Check out our team!

The only one that seems to be missing is Lochy from the UK. This little guy is so un-intimidating he gets away with anything! One time he was literally unbuttoning a girl's shirt in the middle of a bar while having a conversation with her. I can't wait to meet the bloke..

I am so happy with everyone on our team. They are amazing men and really put the clients first. Their genuine interest in people is impressive. I hope you all get a chance to meet them soon. If you listen to my podcasts you will get to hear Jayson and Matt.

I've got a couple more blog posts written up and waiting to post so stay tuned! Plus I do my best writing on the plane. New York here i come! Also there is a rumor floating around that may or may not come about that Charisma Arts may be putting out a regular newsletter with Q&A, techniques, tips, and anecdotes. I've gotten two written and submitted. If it does go through i'll let you know how to get it and if it doesn't i'll post what i've written right here.

Big things are happening over at Charisma Arts. Keep checking in and i'll keep you updated. BTW check out Wayne's new Conversation Camp. For those of you disappointed with Wayne not doing boot-camps anymore, here is your chance to work with the man himself.

New podcasts on Charisma Arts

2006-08-02T19:50:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to let everyone know I have been a podcasting fool lately. I have submitted 4 podcasts that are now up on the charisma arts page at http://charismaarts.com/community/podcasts. Hope you enjoy them and feel free to comment about any of them here or over at theUnofficial Charisma Arts Forum

A Breakthrough of Mine

2006-08-02T19:44:00.000-07:00

What was your biggest breakthrough with the Charisma Arts Method?

A client in San Francisco asked me this recently; he found the answer very helpful so I thought I would share it with you.

I am not only an instructor but I was also a client. I was in the same place many of you are, when I was considering taking a boot camp. I related to women from a place of ego. I liked who I was, and wanted women to see what I saw in myself that was impressive. So I told a lot of stories about my adventures and spoke in a way that made sure she knew I was intelligent. The irony is, the more you brag about yourself or try to impress someone, the less you actually do. So I needed a whole new way to relate. Charisma Arts taught me that instead of telling stories and anecdotes to impress people that I need to use those same stories to connect and relate to people. If the reason I told a story was to show the person I was talking to that I had a similar experience (that elicited a similar emotion), I could understand who they were and where they were coming from.

An interesting thing started to happen. As I began listening more for the emotional content in other people’s stories, I began to become very interested in what they had to say. I no longer was just waiting for my turn to tell a cool story. Then when I related I found that my stories were far more well received. The added bonus was that I got to tell all my cool stories but I was using them to relate, not impress.

We all want people to see who we are as unique impressive individuals. The key is not telling someone how unique you are, instead find out how unique they are. You in turn will be one of the few people they meet that they feel truly understands them. Isn’t that what we wanted in the first place for ourselves? There is a saying, “Give to others what you want for yourself.”

“Seduction is the art of setting the stage for two people to choose to reveal themselves to each other.” Juggler p118 The Game

Relationship Game

2006-08-01T09:05:00.000-07:00

So those of you who were on the last San Francisco workshop saw me bring home “a keeper”. She truly is one of the most amazing women I have met. HBCowboyBoots ended up being too busy for me and so I stopped bothering. However this woman I met in “The City” is a true beauty inside and out. I’m not going to post a report on meeting her mainly because she will probably read this blog one day. Those of you who saw it, got to witness a rare treat for me. Meeting a woman I have fallen in love with. Now I have to break it to all the other women I was dating. Heck even MixedMessages recently called me up after 5 months of not talking with me. She tried to seduce me the night before I went down to San Francisco and the night I came back. Yikes, I can only imagine how long it will take for her to talk to me after I tell her I have a new girlfriend. So add me to the list of CA instructors with a girlfriend. This one is a keeper.

“One-itis is only a bad thing when you don’t have options” SHH

Anyway, enough about my sappy love story. I want to talk about an interesting thing that I learned from Alison Armstrong’s program. I listened to her CD program “In Sync with the Opposite Sex” on my way up to do some kite boarding in Hood River OR. She was talking about how women can pull up to a stop sign the same time as you and feel like they need to get your number because now you’re in a relationship. Women always want more commitment than guys do. Most women can’t date for this exact reason. Dating really implies you are seeing multiple people. There is no such thing as dating exclusively; that is called a relationship. Of course it is a pretty crappy relationship if you ask me; you only get to see each other once or twice a week, and you don’t even get to see anyone else. You can explain that to her if you do it tactfully.

Women will very quickly assume a relationship no matter what you do. Defining the bounds of that relationship (even if it is non-exclusive dating) is important. The interesting thing though, is women will start doing that for you without you even realizing it. Guys will often say things when they meet someone they like such as “We should go surfing together sometime.” What you are doing is trying her out, seeing how she fits in your life. I am definitely guilty on this one. I like a woman who can be adventurous with me so I often say things like that. The problem is that women hear this “I am going to be with you for a time long enough to bring you surfing in the future.” God save the poor guy who says this on a January date. If she likes you, that is considered a relationship binding commitment. If she hasn’t decided whether she likes you in that way yet, you are moving WAY too fast for her speaking about committing to that much time together. If she does like you and think you might be a good boyfriend, then she is going to be shocked if you don't want to commit. She already heard you say you want to be with her for a time long enough to go surfing so you already made a commitment.

So when you are thinking about how a woman fits in your life keep your mouth shut and think those things to yourself. If you are going to say something like that there damn well better be a time and date in the near future you are planning to do that with her. This will save you from her thinking you are more committed than you are to

Authenticity

2006-07-30T18:57:00.000-07:00

I’ve been there. It seems like your brain shuts off and nothing that comes out of your mouth makes sense. You try everything in your power to be impressive and charming. She is just too damn HOT! You are doomed from the start. Get used to it. If you want to date or even have a casual conversation with a very beautiful woman, let alone figure out how to make her want to sleep with you, you have to change your perspective a bit.

What makes men attractive in a real, healthy way is authenticity. We are exactly who we say we are, and are proud of ourselves in all of our strengths and weaknesses. That is true self-confidence. This is not to say we can’t learn to present ourselves in the best way, which is what Charisma Arts is there to teach you. Learning to be yourself in a way that shows self-confidence will create a change in you for sure.

Ever notice women you are not attracted to often fall in love with you? That is because you are 100% authentic and not afraid to be who you are with them. Well I have bad news; you are never going to get the really hot woman you have been dreaming of if you keep doing what you are doing. The community knows this and even says, stop being yourself; the question is who should you be? Or are you even being yourself when you talk to that really beautiful woman? That is the problem; you are not yourself when you are trying to get someone to like you. In fact, the more insecure you are, the less you are yourself around anyone.

A little irony starts to arise; the more you want someone to like you the less you show your true self. This is why you won’t get a really hot woman anytime soon. Of course there are routines to make you appear confident and entertaining, but you have to have a normal conversation sooner or later, then what. I know, pretty bad news. There is hope though.

I do think you can get, and even keep a really hot woman, but only if you can learn to be authentic. Charisma Arts has some great tools to get there. Disqualification, learning to agree, telling stories from the “I” perspective, etc, all achieve one goal; presenting you as a self-confidant authentic person.

So here is the path to being authentic:

1. Learn to talk to everyone and be genuinely interested in people, no matter who they are or what they look like.
2. Realize that you don’t even know that really beautiful woman you are worried about talking to. She might have an STD and had a gangbang with the football team 2 hours ago. Would she really be that attractive to you then? YOU DON”T KNOW HER! Start thinking about the attractive women you’ve met that you wouldn’t date because of various reasons. You can’t put anyone on a pedestal.
3. Like yourself! You have to enjoy the person you are before anyone else will. Go take a class, start a hobby, do anything that you enjoy and do it MORE! If you don’t think you are that interesting, start enriching your life by trying new things.
4. Work on interacting with people from a place of confidence and authenticity. Be proud of who you are, even the stuff you don’t like about yourself. Stop being fearful of whether they like or don’t like you.

The techniques listed on this blog and through Charisma Arts will get you there, but you have to be willing work on your confidence in yourself. That is the mindset, which makes this whole method work. “I want to be me, I like myself.” You have to be willing to fuck yourself before anyone else wants to. No, I don’t mean masturbate more. Learn to walk confidently everyday of your life. When you can be yourself around anyone, and be confident, then you will be able to have a chance at that ten you have been drooling over. Until then keep talking to those women, eventually you will stop putting them on a pedestal, and be happy to be yourself around them. That is when authenticity will become your most attractive trait.

SEDUCTION SCHOOL

2006-07-26T10:20:00.000-07:00

The Men: Meet Neil, Adrian, and Dave. Your average blokes from the
three corners of the UK, all of them nice guys but none of them a Sean
Connery. We found them looking for love on online dating sites, and
decided to help them forever stop paying their subscription fees.

The Mission: Take these men who have never before had much success
with the fair sex, and turn them into babe magnets who can approach
women without fear and easily get numbers - in one week. Mission
Impossible? Not for Wayne Elise, the world's foremost social coach,
and Johnny Saviour, his top assistant.

The Result: See for yourself on August 3 at 9:00 PM on Channel 4 in the UK.

A founder of Charisma Arts, an international social coaching business,
Wayne has been teaching men how to meet and connect with women for the
past five years. Wayne, Johnny and the rest of the Charisma Arts crew
have been running weekly "get better at meeting women" bootcamps for
the past two years, and when it came time to shoot Seduction School,
it would take all of their wisdom and expertise to help Neil, Adrian
and Dave.

Neil could approach women but was quickly dismissed. Adrian could
approach women but quickly dismissed himself. And Dave stood there
and sipped coffee waiting for courage that never came. Hey – its hard
to go meet new people, especially if those people are beautiful women!
Give the guys a break when you see them attempt it for the first time
on camera; Wayne and Johnny did. But then they showed the guys how it
was done. Wayne and Johnny approached women and collected numbers
within a few minutes, and it was time to head back to the classroom.

Over the course of the episode, you will join Wayne, Johnny and the
guys as they approach women in pubs, men in coffee houses and
grandparents playing bingo. You'll join them as they enjoy the
natural highs of good interactions and true connections, and you'll
cheer for the men as they find what it is to be their real, sexy
selves.

Find out more at WayneElise.com

Stolen

2006-07-25T11:11:00.000-07:00

Well, my car got broken into this weekend and all of my clothes were stolen. My Ipod, my fun jacket, my sentimental pocket watch. Everything. Luckily my laptop was not stolen.

Oh well great lesson for non-attatchment. I ended up coming back and there was an email about a private consult. Definitely good timing. Plus I met a complete knock out this weekend who has a heart of gold. Definitely a keeper.

Well Sorry for the lack of blogs this week guys. I am off today to Portland and then to Montreal this weekend. i'll try to squeeze one or two in if i can get the chance.

Montreal Extravaganza

2006-07-19T19:06:00.000-07:00

For those of you aware, Charisma Arts has put a last minute city on the schedule for 7/28 in Montreal. This is an amazing city, probably the most happening city in Canada. If you are on the East coast US (or anywhere else) it is worth the trip. Right now it is still 100% open! There is a good chance to get in a seminar with a better student to teacher ratio here, take advantage and jump on it! Plus you gotta love a city that serves to 3am.. 18 yrs old? Hmm talk to Christian quick. Our age thing is based on getting into bars, who knows you might be able to talk him into it.

In other words, I have a ticket to go teach there and I want to see you there!

I'm too excited to sleep. I better catch some naps next week!

Sexual Barriers

2006-07-18T14:36:00.000-07:00

There is a magic point in the interaction when you know you need to escalate and don’t know how to do it. The first part is of course using the word “Sexy” in an SOI (Statement of Intent). However, once you have made a statement of intent, how do you escalate the interaction further? The secret is push pull and sexual barriers. I have already outlined push pull in an earlier blog, so now I want to talk about sexual barriers.

Sexual barriers are amazing; they let you get away with saying the most over the top things but do it in a way that makes it easier. Sexual barriers tend to work really well when you do push pull. I always wondered how some of the naturals got away with saying some of the explicitly sexual things they said to women without being slapped. Now I understand so much better. It really is about using push pull to introduce an idea into a woman’s head but then taking away the shock of it.

“I really just can’t stop thinking about my tongue running up the inside of your thigh, however I just met you and I really can’t tell you that.”

I watched Life is Beautiful this weekend and I realized how amazing his seduction of his wife was. He was fun and interesting and at the end of his date he says something to the affect of:

“I want to make love to you so badly, however I realize if I told you that it would be completely absurd and I absolutely wouldn’t tell you that. In fact it would take an army to torture me before I told you how much I want to make love to you. I definitely couldn’t tell you that.”

What a great line. This is the essence of a sexual barrier. You tell her what you would like, whether it is a kiss or wanting to make love to her, and then you put up a small speed bump like barrier as to why that can’t happen. You want her to break down your barrier. If you leave it just saying what you want, you put so much pressure for her to have to accept it or deny it, she won’t commit to accepting it. However if you put it out there and almost pull it back, she doesn’t have to commit to it. It does put the idea in her head and make it known that is what you want.

The same thing goes with push pull as sexual barriers, you don’t want to end on a push or make the barrier so high she won’t try to overcome it.

“You are really sexy; if I had my way I’d take you home right now, but since I just met you I absolutely can’t. Not in a million years would I sleep with you the first night I met you.”

That isn’t a sexual barrier, it is the Berlin wall; she will have to change an entire political regime just to try to scale it. Try something like this:

“You are really sexy, I honestly can’t stop thinking about taking you back to my place, even though it seems like we know each other so well, I have to remind myself we only met tonight.”

This lays down the idea of coming home with you tonight, but also sets a small barrier that makes her want to overcome her own worries about not knowing you well enough and seeming desperate. You just showed her you are worried about the same thing so she won’t feel so bad revealing to you how much she wants to go home with you as well.

Sexual barriers are powerful from the beginning of the interaction to the end. When you want to kiss her you can use this:

“Honestly I have been looking at your lips for the last ten minutes and can’t stop thinking about kissing you, but all these people are watching so it might have to wait till later.”

All the way to her having last minute resistance to sex:

“You’re right, we shouldn’t do this. Honestly, it would probably be too much for us both if you felt my hand skirting the top of your jeans sliding down to feel the warm wetness inside your legs. It might just drive us both crazy as I slip my hand inside you and you arch your back writhing in pleasure as you feel yourself getting closer to orgasm.”

Sexual barriers increase the sexual tension in an interaction. They also create a fun flirty vibe that is so important in escalation. Remember that unlike men, women are turned on by the idea of sex much more than the visual component of seeing a hot guy. Most men are turned on instantly if they see a hot woman. Women need the mental component to turn them on. Sexual barriers do that. If you are looking to learn how to escalate an interaction faster, take a risk and start introducing sexual barriers.

The Surreal Life

2006-07-18T14:05:00.000-07:00

Ok things are getting weird. The last two workshops I've taught, there are all these guys at the bars we go to that are in the community. Repeatedly they come up and ask "Are you socialhitchhiker? I've read your blog!" This is a weird thing for me. I don't flatter myself that I am that good, that people should be recognizing me when i go places. I started off just like anyone else looking to improve my life a bit and found some amazing ways to change my life for the better. To be recognized for something like this is a surreal experience.

Now I'm not saying my ego doesn't relish every time someone knows me, I definitely have that overconfident/arrogant side to myself; it is just odd. However for those of you who have met me in real life, thanks for the kind words. I really do appreciate it. I don't know that I deserve it, but thank you. For those of you I have blown off when I met you, realize I am usually with clients in a workshop and I have to give 100% of my attention to them. It is nothing personal, and there is nothing more than I would like, than to sit down and chat.

So overall I want to thank everyone who is reading this blog. I really appreciate it and it definitely is good for my ego, or maybe too good. Thank you for reading though, I really appreciate all of your comments and support.

Defensiveness

2006-07-17T21:09:00.000-07:00

Her: “So you’re just buying girls drinks, trying to get them drunk, and take them home.”

You: “Absolutely not, I think that is a really sleazy thing about guys these days.”

You have already crashed and burned here. Defensiveness is the worst thing you can do when relating to just about anyone. So quit it! Learn to agree with people much more.

Even when I disagree with someone about something I always agree and take their point of view first. Then I present my viewpoint in a way that isn’t in opposition to their point of view. This is a very important tactic when dealing with people. Most of the time people just want to be heard. As long as you can make them understand you see their point of view then they are much more willing to accept yours.

In our case being defensive creates a sense of opposition, and that creates a sense of power imbalance. It is like the predator response: as soon as someone runs, you chase almost instinctively. When you are defensive it evokes a sense of her wanting to prove you’re exactly what you are so defensive about.

Her: “You’re a jerk.”
AFC: “I really am not! You’ll see that if you get to know me.”

Do you believe it? Of course not, disqualification is a great way to deal with this and actually agreeing with it is a form of disqualification.

Her: “You are a jerk.”
You: “You’re absolutely right, [teasingly] damn you are a good judge of character.”

Her: “You are just trying to get me to sleep with you.”
You: “Oh boy, you found me out. I was planning on taking you home and giving you an amazing night of incredible pleasure; I guess now that will have to wait till you get to know me better.”

When you agree it is almost always funny, and rarely do they believe a word you say. In fact if you are defensive people will think you are what you are being defensive about. However, if you agree with whatever they are saying about you, then they don’t actually believe you are that.

Defensiveness shows pure insecurity. Being able to admit you are something bad, and be proud of it, that shows incredible confidence. The funny thing is no one actually believes you when you admit it.

Rewarding

2006-07-13T21:31:00.000-07:00

Lately i have been so entrenched in trying to get people to relate i don't know if i have stressed just how important that reward is. This is the other half of the relate and reward cycle.

Rewarding someone is not some pavlovian conditioning response. It is as simple as active listening. When you are actively listening to someone you are naturally rewarding them by nodding and saying things like "uh huh", "absolutely", etc. The reward in the reward and relate cycle is nothing more then appreciating when someone tells you something about themselves you appreciate.

Her: Ya i work at a pediatrician's office.
You: That must be really rewarding helping children feel more comfortable and knowing that by coming in they are getting the help they need. Especially helping support the doctor by creating an environment of comfort and safety for the children. I can see you being really good at your job.

Then go into the relating phase of the interaction.

That reward is so important. We all want to be validated and understood. Relating is important but it is the reward we give people that really makes them connect to us.

There can be little rewards such as kino, a hug, or a high five. Or larger rewards such as a SOI (Statement of intent) by telling her she is sexy. The important thing is to reward people in a way that shows them you understand how they feel. Put yourself in their place and look for the positive emotions that they could be experiencing. Even if they don't experience it exactly like you describe it, if you do it well they will identify with that.

The best reward I have found is when you voice how they feel back to them and let them know how much you admire that. The closer you can voice the exact emotion they are feeling the stronger the connection and attraction will be built. There is nothing more powerful in this world to build a connection than when someone voices what you are feeling. You feel they truly understand you. That is a powerful thing.

So here is a homework assignment. When talking to people this week i want you to use the phrase "I like you." and then explain why you like them. This is REALLY powerful. As with any reward it MUST be done after their high point. This is a point when they have shown you something unique or something you find interesting about them. If you reward on your high point you will seem disingenuous.

So i want to hear comments on the effect of saying "i like you" and explaining why. Did you see their eyes light up when they saw you understood them? It is such a powerful thing to reward people and tell them why you appreciate them.

So until next time, remember to tell people you appreciate them for being who they are. Appreciation and rewards are key to being a charismatic person.

Ummmmm....

2006-07-12T09:40:00.000-07:00

Filler words suck! There is nothing that shows insecurity more than someone saying "umm", "ya know", "like", and so on. We all do it and are rarely even aware of it. It absolutely projects a picture of insecurity. So now is a time to drive them out of your speech.

Take a microphone and tape yourself talking about an improv subject. Then listen to yourself. You will hear just how much you say these words. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle!

So during your every day life be aware of these filler words and start learning to speak slower and more deliberately. This will increase the signal to noise ratio in your speech and make people really listen to you more!

One note; don't worry about it when you go out at night to meet new people. If you get so wrapped up in trying to correct your speech you will be so far up in your head you will not project a good vibe. Work on this stuff when talking to your roommate or the lady at the post office.

So umm guys, ya know how we aren't like supposed to um talk like umm, this anymore? Let's quit! Speak slower and more purposefully. It will be one more thing that allows you to exude confidence.

Push Pull and the Art of Teasing

2006-07-07T08:58:00.000-07:00

Having a fun playful attitude is a key part of night game, and for that matter, at all times. We all go out to have fun and not be in deep conversations all night at the bar. While learning to relate and reward on emotional levels we often find ourselves in deep personal conversations. This is a good thing. This is where you connect with the other person and find out how unique they are. This is a base that will provide success in all of you interactions. Now it is time to take your interactions in a new direction. We all see the fun guy making jokes all the time as charismatic and fun to be around. If he doesn't connect to anyone emotionally he will limit his success, however he will be successful. If you only relate on a serious emotional level you will be successful, but will also limit your success. However if you put the core of the Charisma Arts Method, relate and reward, in with some fun playful push pull you will see your game improve dramatically.

Push pull is often defined with a clear example, "I usually don't date blondes, but i'll make an exception for you." It is the classic push them a bit away then pull them in closer. This accomplishes so much when interacting with people. It adds spice to the interaction. No one wants to know they have won your affection and don't have to work for it anymore. Push pull integrates that idea of keeping distance in an interaction while still connecting. It is a productive game of cat and mouse you might say.

I always hated that part of an interaction. You know the part where you aren't supposed to show interest too early or too strongly. I could never figure out the balance of being aloof and interested. Push Pull creates this powerful feeling of her not knowing exactly where she stands with you, but knowing you are interested. It also creates a wonderful playful vibe that let's you say things you might be scared to say. It allows you to play the game of "hard to get" but deepening and escalating the interaction as well.

"Normally i wouldn't even think of taking you home on the first night i met you, however you are making me seriously reconsider."

The most important thing is to never end on a Push. The idea is you wouldn't want to say:

"I could definitely imagine you and I getting to know each other in a very sensual way, however i absolutely won't do that with you in a million years."

Yes I know a bit dramatic, but it shows my point.

If you are good with your intonation you can actually end on a push but imply you are full of it and are actually, with smile, body language and tone, pulling her closer. My one warning here though, is lose the sarcasm. Sarcasm degrades social interactions if there is even the slightest misunderstanding. Sarcasm is saying something good and meaning something bad.

"I just love how incredible the bartenders are here, fastest i've seen in a long while." And really meaning you are upset with the service. While sarcasm can be fun and interesting it really sets up a bad precedent. It implies that there are some times when you are saying good things, that you are actually meaning good by, but there is always a chance you are being negative and sarcastic. That inconsistency creates discomfort in an interaction. I remember being on a road trip with a couple of female friends that were incredibly sarcastic. So much so you never knew if they were being kind to you or cutting you down. Even they had to periodically ask each other whether the other one was serious or being sarcastic. What a confusing way to interact with someone, never knowing whether they are telling the truth or just basically lying to you.

Teasing on the other hand is saying something bad and meaning something good. There is very little confusion. If you are a positive upbeat person when you are saying good things you mean it. If you are saying bad things you are probably still meaning good things as well! So when you are teasing you are actually creating comfort and connection because you mean good things about the person.

So here is an example of each:

Sarcasm: OH I BET your just a sweet innocent girl! (Do you actually think she is a slut? She might wonder a bit.)

Teasing: I know you have a naughty side under that sweet innocent facade. (You are flirting here. Naughty is being played off like it is bad but your showing you like it when she is naughty, and on top of that you are also calling her sweet and innocent in a sly way.)

Push pull can be so much more then the examples in Juggler's Ebook. It can also be what appears to be Pull Push but making sure your tone is pulling her in because you are teasing her.

"I like that dress, but I think your wearing it wrong, are you supposed to be showing that much skin?" The key with this statement is if you don't have a good understanding of how your tone is being interpreted, it could come off very badly. But if you say it in a very playful teasing way at the right time of the interaction it will go over very well.

"Ok, now i've said too much, you are probably going to blab my most intimate secrets all over the bar now! How are all these other women going feel when they all know just how sexy i find you."

"Stop it, I mean it! Seriously, you have to stop that it is turning me on far too much. No using your feminine wiles on me, thats not fair!"

The last two statements are classic teasing, where you are saying something is bad but really it's obvious it is a good thing. If you have trouble being clear with your intonation use the classic push pull format, if you can use your tone well then you can really vary it quite a bit.

"The way you describe your art is very sexy, you have to stop it now, your turning me on too much"

"You have a very sexy attitude. But don't let it go to your head!"

Push pull is that magic thing that really escalates an interaction. You are being playful and fun yet are clearly telling her you are sexually interested in her. It creates that confident vibe that you get with "cocky funny" but you can be kind and affectionate. Women aren't used to guys who can push them away at the same time pull them in closer. It creates that mystery, intrigue and the feeling of "the chase" women appreciate so much. You really will find that the more you use Push Pull the more successful your interactions will be.

Subconcious Pick Up

2006-07-05T21:49:00.000-07:00

At our last workshop in San Francisco a very interesting thing happened. I was in the bar with the guys and this person text's me "Were you just in Monkey Bar?" It didn't have a name attached to it so i had no idea who this was or how they got my number. I text back, "Yes, Who is this?" She text's me back "[her name], you gave me this number 2 weeks ago". Now i am really confused. i don't number close without putting someone's name in my phone. Plus all the guys are looking at me like; you got a girl's number and you don't even remember who she is? I feel really funny now. Everything i am telling them about finding the uniqueness in every person and here i am not even remembering someone i talked to just two weeks ago. And for the life of me i just couldn't figure out who it could be.

I text her to come to the bar we were at. At one point i see someone that looks familiar and i greet them warmly like i knew them. Great opener by the way. It turns out it wasn't her so i just introduced myself and started a conversation up with her. Finally MysteryTexter comes in. I realize she was the waitress at the Monkey Bar where we ate 2 weeks ago and that night.

Jason reminds me we were all flirting with her and i was being silly and left my phone number on the napkin as we left. I of course realize this is not solid game and i was doing that more as a joke then anything else. Well it looks like she kept that number for two weeks and when she recognized my name on the credit card she texted me. I was quite impressed. We hung out for a while at the bar and she even came with us when we switched venues.

I use my favorite line when i am at a seminar so it isn't weird "So since I am the social one of my group i have a goal to hook up all my friends tonight. So if you see me running around helping them talk to girls that is what I'm doing." I reward and relate and before I know it she is telling me how cute i am and we are making out in front of all the clients. Couldn't have planned a better demonstration.

I tell her "you know if i am going to take you home tonight we have to hook my buddy Jayson up since he is staying in my hotel room." She is a sweetheart but has to go home so she could get up early and says "I can't go home with you tonight, i have to be up early to go to kickboxing, but let's get together tomorrow night." And then starts making out with me again.

Once i explained all the details to the guys they forgave me. I was pretty impressed though at the power of this stuff. I've never had a girl call me when i left a number on a napkin at a restaurant. I never thought i would ever get a call that way, but it happened.

Misogyny and Supplication

2006-07-04T12:31:00.000-07:00

Entering in the community there is a lot of talk about the power dynamics between Men and Women. Most men supplicate and are "AFC", and don't show their true inner confidence. Women "shit test" to lower your value and so you don't buy into their "frame" and instead learn to "qualify" them so they will take your frame.

Personally i feel like James Bond reading all of these interactions. You must Isolate the Target after disarming the Obstacle, all while DHV'ing, and negging so it IOD's her. Goodness, I am glad social interactions really aren't like being a SPY.

In this community i have seen a lot of guys learning to deal with the power dynamics instead of the social dynamics in interactions. The community teaches that women want strong men who can lead. That is absolutely correct. It also teaches we should not roll over and "supplicate" to women. This is also correct in a lot of instances. However this is brought way too far.

An example of this. A friend of mine had a date with a girl for drinks. He came over to her house and while they were getting ready to go out she asked him if he could help her mover her couch. He did not want to supplicate so he said, "Only, if you give me a back rub." She was like "Maybe, but can you help me move this couch first?". He continued insisting she had to agree to the back rub before he moved the couch with her. In fact she finally gave up and moved the couch herself while he stood there and watched. We talked about this and he knows now, he was really just being an asshole. You can always used implied trade, "Sure, i'll help, but you owe me a back rub later." Then help her.

The drive in this community to not supplicate is so overboard. Yes guys shouldn't be little pansies and do anything a girl wants, however being a decent helpful human being is far more attractive. Just make sure the interaction is EQUAL. Imply she needs to do something for you later, but don't force her to commit to it. If she is hesitant later then you can use that as fodder for making it playful and fun while teasing her about it.

The power dynamic for men since high school has been that attractive women held all the power. The fact is we resented that for a long time. Now comes along the community where you can take back your power. Guys get power mad and now like a geek who becomes a cop and is overbearing with his authority, we are wielding that power incorrectly. We hold it over women's heads just in revenge for the way we felt when we were younger. Misogynistic tendencies creep up as we hear the same stupid response to our canned stories and they go to bed with us even thought they have a boyfriend.

You can very easily begin to hate women and objectify them when running game on them. If you are not finding out what truly makes them unique then you are going to see them all the same and dehumanize women. Canned material in my opinion promotes seeing women as the same because of course they will respond similarly to a scripted interaction. How boring to have the same conversations and interactions all the time. How can you truly see women as anything else other than objects for sex if you don't constantly strive to see them for who they are.

So these are just some of my opinions. I want to strive to be someone who sees the individual beauty in every person i meet. I want to destroy my preconceptions of who they are. I am going to drive the interaction but i want to share in the power and allow it to be equal. What gives me the advantage is that i am the one who knows how to confidently take control and guide the interplay of conversation.

War Declared: The Enemy of Approach Anxiety

2006-06-28T22:38:00.000-07:00

I remember wanting to talk to this really pretty girl one time. I finally got the nerve to go say hello to her. My palms were sweaty and my heart was racing. Every insecure thought i've ever had about myself was going through my head weakening my resolve by the moment. I get within earshot of this girl and her friend when she looks up at me and smiles a bit. I return her smile as i walk closer. She looks back at her drink in front of her as i am now only a foot or two from them. Then as if guided by some unforeseen force my feet don't stop. I continue walking by her without a word and go right into the bathroom as quickly as I can. I am mortified at my lack of a spine. When i gain my composure I settle up my tab and walk out of the bar in shame.

Ever done the walk by before? Most of us have.. It is that evil approach anxiety overwhelming us the moment we are about to commit to talking to someone. What is it about approaching a stranger that is so anxiety provoking? Are we afraid of rejection? Or possibly we are just afraid of the unknown and things we can't control such as the very dynamic situation of meeting someone new. The bottom line is that it is approach anxiety that prevents us from achieving our goals of being social people and meeting new friends and relationships. So we must wage war against it. I hereby declare war on approach anxiety! Now it is time to map out our battle plan.

I have always had approach anxiety. It never really goes away. It really hasn't gone away even now that I am an Instructor and do it for a living. However it has gotten less. That first approach of a weekend is still very difficult for me though. I don't let on to the clients i am teaching but it is. I wish i had a secret technique to teach how to get over approach anxiety, i don't. However this is our battle plan to vanquish that evil enemy of Approach Anxiety

Western Front:
We will assemble our troops and coerce ourselves into a good mood before every night we go into battle. We will do so by listening to our favorite music, calling a talkative friend, or watching a funny movie.

Northern Front:
We will recruit sympathizers with our cause by talking to anyone and everyone we find friendly. This includes guys, women we are not attracted to, and especially people who work in the venue we are waging our war. This will arm us with that talkative friendly vibe, our ultimate weapon.

Eastern Front:
Our battle plan here is to consistency. We will not let more than two weeks go by without doing a cold approach. This will ensure that we don't lose ground we have fought so hard to regain.

Southern Front:
If needed we will drop all expectations about the first approach of the night. If it goes well it is a victory, if it goes poorly it was our "throw away" set, just a warm up. Then we will head straight to battle and not allow ourselves to retreat until victory is ours.

Homefront:
We will work on our self confidence at all times. We will remember that we don't know that extremely beautiful woman, and she may have some horrible communicable STD, or be completely devoid of redeemable morals. We will not put anyone on a pedestal above us and make it more difficult for ourselves. We will always remember WE are the high value person and they want to talk to us, they just don't know it yet.

Only when the battle against approach anxiety is waged on all of these fronts without retreat will the war be won. Just don't forget this enemy is insidious and must be watched at all times. Never let the battle against this enemy escape from our vigilance. So wage this war with all your might my comrades.

How to talk about this stuff

2006-06-27T18:24:00.000-07:00

It's time to spill the beans about your Charisma Arts Workshop (or your involvement in the seduction community) to this wonderful woman you just met and have gotten into a relationship with. How do you even broach the subject of taking a class to pick up women?

In Seattle this weekend I ran into a friend of mine while i was running the workshop. His girlfriend was there and i asked him if he explained what we were doing there. He nodded and I introduced Kory to them as well. Somewhere in the short conversation i said something that implied he was "in all this" and I sparked quite a upheaval in their relationship. Although he had mentioned me getting into this stuff he never mentioned he was involved.

On the way home his girlfriend was on the same plane as me and we had a long discussion about the community and what i do. She gave me some really cool perspective on what a woman thinks about the community when they first find out.

Now whether you are into Long Term exclusive relationships or multiple relationships at various stages, sometime it will likely come up that you are involved or have been involved in an aspect of the community. So learning how to tell her might be a really valuable thing.

What I learned on that plane ride home is something i knew but really hadn't verbalized before. I realized i was getting an inside look into how a woman's brain works. Wow, talk about scary. One thing i realized is women are not always logical and rational. However just like we talk about at Charisma Arts, they do speak on a very emotional level.

So she let it out, she told me everything she felt about finding out. How she was afraid she was just "prey" and was just a woman that would "do" and not someone any different than any other woman. Perhaps she was just a woman that was there and he settled with. She wanted to feel like his attraction for her was based on her being entirely unique and not like any other woman he had ever met. She wanted him to be 100% authentic, and to know he never ran techniques or tricks on her. In fact she most loved how badly he put his foot in his mouth most of the time. She didn't want that guy who knew exactly what to say and was super smooth.

This really made sense to me. Women want to know you have options and that you chose HER. They also want to know you are genuinely interested in everything that they are and see their uniqueness.

It is somewhat ironic that what i wanted, the ability to have options and choose a woman based her being completely unique and amazing to me, is exactly what they want you to want. They want to know you have options and chose her.

She really wanted me to put this message out there so guys we teach could have strong relationships. I think it was a great experience talking to her and re-affirmed what i am teaching and what i believe in. Genuine interest in someone is the most attractive trait you can have. When coupled with confidence and commitment to being yourself, it is an unstoppable combination. It also reminds me to always search for the uniqueness in every person I meet, and reward them for their uniqueness with my interest.

So when talking about the community you MUST stress certain aspects of it.

1) It taught me confidence to be 100% myself and to be proud of my weaknesses as well as my strengths.

2) In every person I meet I search for the unique beauty and personality that makes them who they are. I chose to be with you over all the people i've met because of all of the things that make you so incredibly unique.

3) When i met you I may have learned ways to communicate with you better but at no time did i ever delude myself that what i said or did was manipulating you in any way. I was my honest genuine self at all times.

4)The final lessons i learned were really just how to be a social person and really appreciate getting to know someone on a real and personal level while being myself.

If you keep these things in mind in all of your interactions, they will go better. If you are running routines and gimmicks I honestly don't know how to tell you to have this conversation. All I know is the method taught by Charisma Arts, and being myself. Hopefully in all of your interactions no matter how you relate to people you are doing it genuinely.

So remember, the most attractive you will ever be to a woman, is the moment she sees that you see her, as who she is, and you let her know that is why you are interested in her.

The First Three Minutes

2006-06-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

What is it about the first three minutes of an interaction that scares us so much? Most guys with a little practice are able to open fine, but it is that first few minutes that really messes with our heads. In this time we seem to get commitment or not. So much of it is predicated on how committed we are. I can't stress that enough that our warm vibe and commitment will encourage their commitment. However this early part of the interaction is such a source of overwhelming anxiety for a lot of guys. The secret though is it is JUST as anxiety ridden for women. Remember they are not responding to you, they are responding to the truckloads of other guys who have hit on them every time they go out to a bar. They HOPE though that you are different, they have fantasies of being swept off their feet by you. So remember that.

So now with our warm vibe and bright smile we open. We melt their unsure demeanors and introduce ourselves. So now what? What do I ask? What do I say? The longer I think about it the more nervous i get. This is where the power of the open ended question comes in followed by the vacuum. I usually ask dumb questions i have to admit, right in that first few seconds. Completely AFC questions. Where are you from, How's your night going, Have you seen my gerbil, oops, maybe not that last one. I actually recommend you come up with some cooler questions then I do. However in reality it doesn't matter what you ask, it is how you respond.

The very first thing I do is relate to WHATEVER they say. I can't emphasize this enough. Too many guys get into question trains here searching for something they can relate to. There is a major imbalance in the interaction energy exchange that you may not be aware of. You came up to them, they acknowledged your presence, things are equal. You ask them a question, they answer quickly without a lot of detail. So of course since you didn't get much you ask another question. They answer tentatively. You still can't seem to get them to commit. Your vacuum is good but you are still getting short answers. Do you see how much more energy you are asking for them to give you then you are willing to offer? You have approached wanting to know them. You keep asking them questions. You are approval seeking at this point. You want them to give you a bunch of information about themselves to a complete stranger. YOU HAVE TO RELATE to what they say. Now is the time to answer your own question if they don't give you anything to work with. If they did give you something, relate to THAT. Relate to the emotion of your question or what they said.

You: Hi I'm SHH.
Her: I'm Tracy
You: How's your night going?
Her: Fine (She begins to look bored, can you blame her? What an AFC question!)
You: I have to tell you mine has been crazy! I love this town. I just had this weightlifter chick put me in a headlock and almost squeeze my head off with her guns. So don't get any ideas, i can see you work out! (this is where i put the AFC start into the grave). Honestly though she didn't actually put me in a headlock, but i was pretty scared. My guns are like Popeye's girlfriend, what's her name, Olive Oil? But seriously, you look pretty fit, what's your workout routine [Vacuum]

I am a bit of a goof ball so that may not work with you. So just be yourself with some fun energy. Even if your serious, relate with a STATEMENT. This statement models the kind of answer you expect to get back from her on the next question you ask.

You: Hi I'm SeriouslySuave.
Her: I'm Tracy
You: How's your night going?
Her: Fine
You: Mine has been great. I'm out with some new friends i just recently met. I just love when I get to go out with a crew of people that are new, It is so interesting to me to see how everyone acts in different social situations. So how do you all know each other?

The important thing is to relate with a statement so the energy exchange becomes equal. Once she knows something about you she will be much more likely to tell you more about her. In fact this is like a poker game. The more your willing to risk (showing your emotions and personality) the more she will match you.

Once you get something from her, you HAVE to reward her. In the seminar lately we have been pushing the words "I like you, you're______". This is a great reward, definitely use it! She says "Fuck Off!" I say "Damn girl, I like you, your feisty. Most women don't speak their mind. I admire that about you." If she doesn't melt after that don't give up. "So let me guess, like mother like daughter? I bet your Dad thought you women were a handful! But I like you, your fun." Rewarding her will make her want to tell you more. Just like active listening. If someone is silent i don't want to elaborate because i don't know if they are enjoying listening. If they reward me by an "absolutely", "that's interesting", "I never thought about it like that". I want to tell them more. The REWARD portion of this process is very important. It is not pavlovian, it is just showing appreciation for what they are giving you and keeps the energy exchange equal.

Remember the Reward & Relate loop doesn't have to be serious. You can have fun and be playful with it too!

If you are not rewarding and relating in the first three minutes of an interaction, the imbalance of energy will become so great the interaction will fall apart. Stop your question trains and reward and relate. That will make it easy to get to know them and keep everything going smooth.

Elements of Style

2006-06-19T15:34:00.000-07:00

"Everyone is looking for that perfect opener, there isn't one. But if there was, the closest thing to it is having style" JCH

I was a carhartt and t-shirt kinda guy for a long time. I ventured into learning to be stylish and understand fashion around the time i got into "the game". I took it on faith that what Wayne said in his book about women noticing fashion was important. I couldn't have ever imagined myself spending more than $60 on a pair of jeans, and god forbid ever worrying about matching colors in my outfits.

I saw first hand this weekend how helpful style can be. We had a client who did a style consultation with Christian from Charisma Arts. I tagged along. I did help pick out some clothes for the client along with Christian. The change was really good. He consistantly had women compliment him on his style and individual articles of clothing. In other words it greased the wheels for him. That client worked hard and had some of the best sucess he had ever had.

While I don't think style is going to fix your sticking points, what it does do is create a favorable impression very quickly to women and even other guys. It makes a statement about you saying you are a confident guy that understands details. Women LOVE details, whether it be in a story or clothing or ambiance of a room. They think about it and notice when you show you have thought about it. Women spend so much time on what we think is such trivial little details, that they have an eye for detail.

While some of our best instructors can get away with t-shirt and jeans, if you want to make things easier on yourself try adding some style to your appearence. Here are some thoughts on fashion and style.

Fit

Most guys don't know how to buy clothes that fit them properly. We usually go far too baggy. Sorry guys, it's not fooling anyone. That gut your trying to hide, or the skinny biceps, it is obvious you are trying to hide that. Buy clothes that fit you well. Ask a store clerk for help, especially a hot one. The seam on your shirt near your shoulders should be at your shoulder, not below it. That seam should be an inch either way of the bone at the top of your shoulder. Most guys wear one or two sizes too big. As for pants, unless your going for the "Gangsta" look (which doesn't really suit anyone) keep your pants pulled up and sized to fit correctly, not baggy.

Color

Resist the urge to buy black. I know, it is very simple to match with. However it usually makes you look intimidating. Don't be afraid of color. Red and Purple are two colors that will guarantee you to be noticed. Most guys don't wear these colors yet they look great on guys. Be sure to match your shoes to your belt. Avoid a lot of black when wearing brown shoes.

Details

Women notice details as I said. Always be on the lookout for interesting details in clothes. A cool lining on the inside of the collar or cuff, an little woven pattern in the material of the shirt, a seam that is distinctly differnt, buttons in odd locations, just about anything that is different will stand out even if it is small.

Jeans & Shoes

The shirt is a given, but women always notice the jeans and shoes. Shoes especially. Your shoes should be well taken care of and try to avoid conservative looking shoes. If you asked women what article of clothing says the most about a man, i would bet 80% of women would say shoes. They notice how well kept they are and if they look distinctive. ALDO is one of my favorite shoe stores because they are reasonable but look like $200+ shoes.

Women spend hours trying on different designer jeans to see which one makes their butt look the best. They notice when you have a nice pair of jeans on. This is where I don't skimp. Get some nice designer jeans. You can often find deals on ebay if your not picky. I love Diesel & True Religion. Chip & Pepper, Lucky, Antik Denim, Citizen for all Humanity, Seven for all Mankind, and many others are all good brands. I look for jeans with distinct washes. Why buy $150+ jeans that look like levis. That is why i don't like AG jeans, too plain, hella comfortable though. Seriously, spend the money here. I personally avoid holes or reinforce them from the inside with iron on patches. But holes are in, i just don't know for how long. Nice distressing though is very cool.

Suit Coat

Get a cool suit coat. You can often find different ones at a thrift store for cheap. Nothing adds flexibility to your wardrobe like a suit coat. Wear it with the collar flipped or down. Put a track jacket or a hoodie under it. Tshirt or Collared shirt. it all works. Lately the trend is somewhat military style coats crossed with a suit coat. The fit should be slightly tight with the sleeves down to the bend in your wrist with your arms down, not longer. Also they should be shorter then your probably used to wearing a suit coat. It should be just slightly hard to put it on because of its slimmer fit. However your gut should not stick out of it. Look for cool linings and material inside or behind the collar.

Customizing

The Tailor is your best friend. You will learn to love him. Ask his advice on clothes and how to make them fit better. I have changed linings and cuffs to a lot of my coats, shirts, and pants. If you have an artistic friend have them draw all over a suit coat or a pair of jeans. Try having the front pockets of a wild colored shirt swapped onto a boring white shirt. Play around with having a stripe of color replace a seam somewhere. Be inventive and you will always have a conversation starter.

If you really don't know where to start try reading GQ and Details and see what you like. Also try shopping online to see what people are selling and what is in. Don't be afraid to experiment. Sometimes i bought something only as an experiment and it completely changed the way i thought about how i looked at fashion. Push yourself to wear something you might not necessarily wear! Get LOTS of female advice. Hell if you want to run an opinon opener, try wearing an experimental outfit out one night.

Have fun with these tips and experiment. Push your comfort level with style, women will notice.

Vibe and Group Approach

2006-06-13T16:56:00.000-07:00

One of the things we stress over at Charisma Arts is the power of Vibe. This mysterious super power is often misunderstood. Vibe is all of the communication you are sending that has nothing to do with your words and everything to do with bodylanguage, tonality, facial expressions, and a lot more. So how does one learn to put off a good vibe? One word, COMMITMENT.

Vibe is something very difficult to talk about, a lot easier to show, and even better to have adjusted by someone in person. However the number one issue I see with guys is commitment. You have to put yourself on the line and charge the interaction full force of your warmth and openness. There can be no tentativeness in a good vibe. When I see guys get blown out it is mostly because they were only halfway opening. They didn't put themselves fully out there.

Commitment is foreign to most guys as it applies to vibe. Most other schools teach a tentative approach waiting for them to show interest and always be on the verge of leaving. No wonder when guys come in with anything but a masterfully designed routine that they get blown out. The Charisma Arts Method is different. We teach to come in fully who you are with everything you have on the line. We have a saying "Loud people don't scare people, quiet people do." Why? because quiet people are insecure and tentative. Loud people are there and you know it. You have to deal with it.

So what does a commited vibe look like? First the approach is strong and natural. Don't be lurking around them, go straight up to them. Whoever makes eye contact with you first is the person you should introduce yourself to. Lean slightly in (yes i said lean in, its not pecking) face your heart to the person, shake hands with either a hand sandwich or the other hand touching the outside of their arm. Smile as WARM and friendly as you possibly can and say "Hi, My name is __________". Hold their hand until they introduce themself. Say something nice to them and introduce yourself to the rest just like that. If it is a group do the exact thing, but if people are too far away just give a bit of a wave while introducing yourself. Start talking loudly and confidently. Be calibrated coming in with just slightly more energy than the set has.

That is the basics. For groups make sure you introduce yourself to everyone and then just start talking to the people near you.

The more solid and commited you approach the better the set will open.

Don't be cool, be WARM...

Genuine Interest

2006-06-13T13:26:00.000-07:00

There I was watching this client talk to an old woman like he was talking to a piece of furniture. All the techniques were being done but you could tell he was not interested in talking to her. Over and over I hear, I stopped talking to her because i just wasn't attracted to her. This is a wall that will kill your practice and prevent you from becoming a charismatic person. If you can't have a fun interesting conversation with anyone you meet, and be genuinely interested in them as a person, then no way in hell are you going to be able to do it when you talk to a really beautiful woman. She will sense your insincere interest immediately.

So the topic of this blog is how to cultivate sincere genuine interest in another person or people in general. I'll first start a story as to how I found out how to be genuinely interested in people.

Approaching quickly was an old blue faded sedan. I stuck my thumb out and slowed my backward walking pace just a touch. I summoned up the kindest smile i could manage and briefly brushed a leaf off of my special white shirt i kept clean just for this moment. I look the driver in the eye and they both crane their necks to check me out. At this moment was where my judgements started. It is natural in fact to be judging the very person who is about to judge you. Thats how hitchhiking has to work. The car slows in front of me as i lightly jog up to the car. A young hippie couple roll down the window and open the back door. We make our greetings as I am shocked to see a goat in the back seat. I look quizzically for a moment at the driver. He says to jump in and just move the goat over. I did not know what i was in for.

Riding with this couple was a true test of my self held idea that i was non-judgemental. I find out that this goat was the result of a barter. One bag of weed apparently will get you a goat in god knows what hippie town they came from. The radio was blurting out songs and comedy about marijuana and not 5 minutes goes by and they ask me if i want to smoke up with them. I am not really bothered by it so I tell them to go ahead without me. I sit there wondering how i can have a conversation with these people about anything that remotely interests me. They are just too different.

We stop at the nearest Rite-Aid to return something so they can have money for gas in their car. I definetly understood being broke traveling on the road for the last 4 months. However these were people nothing like me and i wanted to be nothing like them. I judged them so strongly and was looking forward to when they left me off on the road to Yuba City.

As we approached the exit off the highway they informed me that this exit sucked and they were going to drive me up an exit or two in my direction. The pull off the interstate onto the smaller highway leading up to Tahoe and Reno. They drive by the first exit without even slowing. I told them that any exit will really be fine. They then offer to drive me to Reno. I was shocked. Here was a couple heading south yet they were willing to drive me all the way to Reno, 2 hours out of their way and 2 hours back. Not forgetting in the least they barely had enough money to fill their tank themselves. I refused persistantly, almost as persistantly as they tried to persuade me to let them take me farther. Finally after about 5 miles they let me off at my extreme insistance that this exit would do fine. They help me out, share some food with me, and wave energetically as they drove back.

All I was left with was a sense of how large and open their hearts were to other people. I realized it was at that moment i full appreciated them and was genuinely interested in them because of the beautiful people they were.

Step 1: Identify your Preonceptions

What really makes us not want to get to know someone is our judgements of them. The moment we judge someone in the slightest way we erect a wall between us. That wall becomes very hard to have an interesting conversation through.

So first think about and actually identify what your preconceptions are of the person you are about to talk to. It is far easier to find out something interesting about someone when you are clear about what you think you know about them. You can then ask them questions that challenge that preconception instead of subconciously allowing that preconception shape the questions you ask. Eventually you will learn to not judge people because so often your preconceptions will be wrong.

Losing the preconceptions about people is the first challenge to overcome on the path to cultivating Genuine Interest.

Step 2: Ask questions that are interesting to you!

If you just assume that a person has different interests than you you will naturally not even ask about certain things. Sit down and write down 5 topics you are interested in talking about. Then create an open ended question that leads into each topic. This will get you talking about interesting things to you.

Remember though when you talk about anything make sure it is yours and her experiences and feelings about the topic. Ask the two major questions that will help you relate to anyone:

"How does that make you FEEL?"

"What was that LIKE?"

Then really be aware of the emotions that person is telling you about.

Step 3: Relate Emotionally

By relating emotionally that person could be talking about pedicures, and by you relating to the emotions of being pampered the conversation will all of a sudden become more interesting. Understanding how someone feels creates a connection. you may not be able to relate to having a pedicure however you can relate to many, most, if not all, of the emotions that they have surrounding that.

We all have different interests, thoughts, and opinions. However most of us have very simmilar emotions. Finding out how someone FEELS about something is going to much more interesting then what they THINK about something.

We all relate on simmilar interests because of the emotions that those interests invoke in us. Cut to the chase and go after the emotions. It will be a lot easier to get into a genuinely interesting conversation.

Genuine interest is the key to being a charismatic person. Take each interaction that surprises you as a door that leads you deeper and deeper into having genuine interest in every person you meet. That Genuine Interest in others along with the confidence to be yourself will have people flocking to be around you.

HB Cowboy Boots

2006-06-12T16:05:00.000-07:00

So i'll give you an update on this one. Definetly one of those women that breaks the rules. Rewarding and relating has been my biggest power tool, as it usually is. However this woman will not flirt with me. Amazing really. Sexual barriers, bite the dust, SOI's "That's nice". Push pull, she becomes disinterested. So a re-adjustment in my game has occurred with her.

I find she is not like most women. She is a psychology professor and VERY intelligent. I have to be extremely genuine or she sees through it. So i just have been doing a lot of emotional connection with her as well as disqualification. As I try to escalate she becomes defensive. So I call her out on it. I mention how just last time we went out her body language was sending interesting mixed signals. She was literally always sitting in the chair as far away from me as possible. Then she revealed her motives. She has only kissed 2 guys she has not slept with. She is a slow mover. Bar kiss closes, really out the window with this type of woman. She also relates she has to really get to know someone first before even feeling comfortable with flirting. In fact she has never had a one night stand. Although she very comfortably talks about sex so i'm hoping she is not inhibited.

Well I would guess a better PUA then myself would be able to escalate faster but i definetly enjoy taking my time with women i really like.

The interesting thing she told me though was this. She knew from the first ten minutes of our conversation the very first time we went out, (Remember we met on myspace and traded just a few emails) that she could be in a relationship with me. Of course she quickly disqualified any intentions, motives, or expectations (she is fairly socially savvy as well). That it was in fact one story i told that defined her feelings about me.

I told the story of my relationship with my father. I put everything on the line and told her the good emotions i was feeling, as well as the bad ones. I was very expressive and detail oriented and put a positive spin on my broken relationship with him at the end. It was that true genuine naked honesty, coupled with being me being accepting of my darkest emotions and the worst parts of myself, that attracted her the most to me. I told that story with no manipulative motives. Simply, i was relating to her emotionally tumultuous relationship with her father, with the story of my own relationship.

So I am definetly a bit in love with this woman. I am not going to mind taking my time. I've been dating a LOT in the last six months and this one seems like a girl i could do a relationship with. However if it doesn't turn into that I have no problem staying a bachelor until the next one who comes along that meets my high standards.

Although i'll tell you. An interesting thing has happened i didn't expect. I got into this stuff so i could have options and be able to find women who were up to my standards. The really surprising thing is i am a lot more open to the type of woman who could keep me happy now. I used to have to have a woman with certain interests and personality traits. Now I can love women who are so unlike me it is amazing. I simply understand and appreciate them more because i can connect with how they are feeling not necessarily what they are thinking and doing. I guess i spent so much time learning to relate to their emotions so they like me, that i became much more genuinely interested in them as a person and could appreciate and love them much more unconditionally.

Whoa.. Ok.. I'm getting too sappy for my mostly male readership.. So then i killed a bear with a big rock as i lept out of a tree and clubed him to death. Blood was smeared down my face as i yelled a monsterous victory war call.. Ok, there i feel better.

So keep with the emotional relating guys! It's good for us..

SHH

P.S.

From here though, i sure am going to have fun with using her own hesitancy as a sexual barrier ;)

Crash Course in Relating

2006-06-07T17:02:00.000-07:00

Many men in our society have no clue about their own emotions. We have been brought up not to talk about them and not to show them. So basically we must re-wire our brains to speak emotionally and to relate using emotions.

The first step is re-indexing your entire life story. Mostly we index our stories and memories based on things and events, not emotions. So when you try to think back to a story where you felt a certain emotion you don't have an indexing system. So it's time to re-index your brain.

Take a moment and write down every emotion you can think about. At first only write down positive emotions. Small list huh? Well get researching. How many more emotions can you come up with. Have a goal to write down at LEAST 10.

Now that you have done that go back and next to every emotion think about your life and the stories in your life about YOU. Write down a headline that hooks the story. Next to each of those emotions try to have at least 1 story that demonstrates that emotion.

What you have now done is re-indexed your brain to recall stories every time you identify an emotion.

As soon as she tells you something, figure out what emotion she is giving you. If this is difficult, role-play with a friend telling stories or statements. Once they are done repeat what emotion they were giving you and have them tell you whether you are close or not.

Now you are ready to relate. When she gives you an emotion you then say "I can relate to that. One time [insert headline]. [Tell story that relates to her emotion].

Just remember to describe your story using as much detail about how you felt at the time. Don't sit down and pre-plan your stories. If you have to, take one story and write it down and re-write it adding as much detail about emotions that you felt, then polish it up. After doing that to one you will understand and be able to tell all your stories like that without pre-planning.

What do I say?

2006-06-06T13:03:00.000-07:00

Over and over guys ask me "what do I say when i talk to her?" The important thing really isn't what you say, rather that you connect emotions and feelings to your words. Always relate to what she is saying and reward her on her high points.

Recently in a seminar we had a client who said the conversation just always stalled out because he couldn't find anything interesting to talk about. My response was "Talk about things that are interesting to you then!" I sat him down and we nailed down 5 topics that he enjoyed. Fashion, Food, Fitness, Relationships,Travel. Then i asked him to come up with an open ended question for each topic so that he could easily keep the conversation going.

Fashion: You have a nice style. [Reward] So tell me what you think the most common fashion mistake guys make. [be ready to disqualify]

Food: What is your favorite type of food when you go out to eat?

Fitness: Damn girl look at those guns (her biceps), your in good shape. What is your fitness routine?

Relationships: What is your relationship status. What is the best thing about being in a relationship for you? oh there are tons here. Great topic to get things moving toward sex.

Travel: What is your favorite traveling story that happened to you?

After we got these nailed down he felt comfortable that he wouldn't run out of things to talk about that he was interested in. This wasn't making a routine, it was just focusing him in on what he likes to talk about.

The most important part of this all though is keeping it about you and her and making every topic personal by relating and eliciting the emotions about the topic not the facts...

Equal Interaction Exchange Revisited

2006-06-03T11:14:00.000-07:00

Equal Interaction Exchange; I'm Interesting Damn It! Part 1

There she is, the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. You actually muster up the courage to go over to her even though your feet feel like lead weights. Your doubts and fear of rejection are screaming at you like the overpowering noise of a jet engine, yet still you proceed. As you approach you catch her eyes, the deep piercing look almost knocks you backward. Although it feels like your knees almost buckle, you try desperately to keep cool and composed. With way too much game in your head, hearing the voices of the master PUA's in your head you throw it all out and open with a classic natural opener, "Hi, I'm Jim".
You try to emanate warmth as you reach out your hand confidently to shake her hand. The touch of her soft hand in yours is like velvet. Your heart is beating quickly in your chest, and every ounce of willpower is being utilized just to stay calm and collected.
That quizzical look on her face finally fades and a smile washes over her as she says "Hi, jim, I'm Sue. How are you?." You are about to jump out of your skin with excitement knowing that her warm response means the rest of this will be easier..
The conversation begins, you are charming and witty, she is intelligent and speaks with grace. Constantly going through your head are thoughts about what you should be doing and saying. You ask a great open ended question and put the vacuum on just like you read in Wayne's EBook". She responds with a great answer and you reward her by relating to her with a story of your own. The story is exciting and emotional, you have her gripped in attention hanging on every word you say. She starts asking you questions about your experience. Your tone and body language gets more confident as you tell her more of your exciting adventures. You ask her questions about herself. She tells you some interesting stuff but quickly turns it to you and wants to hear more from you. You can just feel her interest in you grow and you couldn't be more interesting at this moment. You are on fire and know you are one of the most interesting people she has met in a long while. She even tells you so. You just know the conversation is going well.
After about ten minutes of hearing your riveting stories she excuses herself to the bathroom. For the first time in a while, the insecurities and doubts start to creep back in. Wondering why she is taking so long in the bathroom. She comes back and starts to collect her coat and purse. Trying as hard as you are able, you can't suppress the look of shock and disappointment as it is clear she is leaving.
She leans over and shakes your hand and says "Hey, it was really nice to meet you. You are a very interesting guy. Have a great night." The feeling of disbelief washes over you like a hot acid bath burning away every ounce of confidence you had built up. Seeing her move over to a table with what appears to be a few of her other friends, is like a scalpel cutting deep into your chest. Escape is your only solace and the whole scenario is replayed a hundred times over in your head as you drive home. "What happened? I was on fire, tonight. She was so interested in me. Why did she leave so prematurely?"

This haunting scenario has happened to me so many times. I could never understand why, when i came off as such an interesting person, how women could not want to be with me more? Why did the conversation always take this route?
The answer to this is based in understanding the energy exchange in social interactions. Like in physics, social interaction has basic workings that can be understood in a theoretical sense. One such theory i have on social dynamics that explains these mysterious and bewildering things, is the Equal Interaction Exchange Theory.
The basis of the Equal Interaction Exchange Theory is that all interactions are exchanges of energy. A story, a friendly touch, and even a statement of intent, are all forms of this energy exchange. On a basic level you can see this work very easily. In any conversation both people should speak an equal amount, sharing the conversation as a whole fairly evenly. We have all met those people who just won't shut up, and you can't get in a word edgewise. How does that feel? I know of a particular person that i see frequently who loves to talk and talk and talk yet never asks me what happened in my day. Even on the rare occasion he does, the conversation quickly turns back to him. On the other hand ever had a conversation where the other person is extremely shy and introverted? You have to work so hard just to keep things rolling, it makes you resent them. Neither extreme works because the exchange is unequal. The person who talks too much to you is giving you a lot of energy and is asking for very little back. This causes you to not value what this person is giving you. With the extreme introvert you resent that you have to give them so much and they don't give you anything back. Conversing with these two types of people is tiresome and rarely rewarding. This unequal energy exchange also happens in a much less obvious manner in all of our interactions.
In our scenario at the beginning there was so much interest in your stories and she was obviously very excited to hear about you. So what went wrong? Like most of us we want to be known. I love it when someone i meet sees me as an interesting person. I feel great, and in fact it makes me like them a LOT more.. The problem was that even though you came off as an interesting person, and she even purposely avoided talking about herself because she wanted to listen to you, the interaction was unequal. You were giving her tons of energy but not eliciting an equal exchange of her energy back. Whenever there is an unequal exchange it will always, if left that way, cause an interaction to end instead of escalate. In our Seminars and Bootcamps, we teach you how to instead elicit her to be interesting so that it justifies your interest in her. You then have a much more balanced interaction and one that naturally escalates, and her attraction to you builds exponentially.
This idea of equal interaction exchange explains why buying drinks for a woman doesn't work. Also why asking a lot of questions in a row doesn't work, you have to relate to make the exchange of energy equal. Think about it more and you will find this theory will help explain those odd moments when you just can't figure out why an interaction didn't go well.
The balance of energy in any interaction is critical. By being aware of this balance and controlling it, you are driving the interaction. When an interaction is balanced it escalates and the person who is driving the interaction, (that is you isn't it?) is naturally seen as charismatic. If the interaction is is driven into a romantic intimate direction then it is attraction for you that is built. So be the driver of an interaction. Connect, relate, reward, elicit emotions, make her interesting, and keep that interaction balanced.

Equal Interaction Exchange; Wow, She is Interesting! Part 2

Recently on one of the seminars i taught, a client described an interaction with a woman where he was baffled at what happened. He opened great and she committed to the interaction when he asked an open ended question. In fact she went on to describe a really wonderful experience where she almost cried (in the story) it was so beautiful. He then asked her another question and she again went on to describe with a lot of feelings and emotions another incredible experience. He rewarded both with something like "Thats really cool" (see Chad's Blog Post). He then asked another open ended question. She looks at him and mumbles something and walks away. He was dumbfounded. Isn't this what the goal was, to get her to commit to the interaction by having her tell something about herself? In fact he got a GREAT reaction and a lot to work with. So what was the problem?
The problem can be explained using the Equal Interaction Exchange Theory. He opened giving her a bit of energy. He then elicited a story from her using an open ended question. At this point before she tells the story the energy exchange is equal. After she tells this hugely committed story, he rewards her not commensurate with the story she just told. Not so bad though. At this point the interaction is only semi imbalanced. She goes on with another story when he asks another question. Somewhere inside her I'm sure she feels this imbalance but probably assumes after this story he will share something with her of equal value. After her second story she responds the way she does because of the massively imbalanced energy in the interaction, and him wanting more. She put herself out there, and he was doing nothing but take, take, take, energetically. He wasn't sharing anything about himself and that was creating a really strong imbalance.
There is a theory in dating that if you get a woman to talk about herself enough she will like you. While this can work if done correctly, usually this leads to an imbalanced interaction. Eliciting interaction energy from her is good. Rewarding her is good. This all keeps things balanced. You are part way on making her feel like she is interesting and you are justified in showing interest. The problem is if you don't RELATE and show the same level of commitment to the interaction she is showing, everything will fall apart. Either she will start to feel boring listening to herself talk on and on and become self conscious, or she will get bored with the interaction because she's doing all the work.
Keeping the interaction balanced is the best way to escalate an interaction. Rewarding with kino and emotional statements of appreciation is important. Also relating to the emotions she is giving you with a story or statements of your own with similar emotions, will share that energy back to her and keep that dynamic balanced. In fact if each of you gives just a bit more energy than you receive, then this will amp up the interaction as the energy is exchanged back and forth.

Equal Interaction Exchange: The Juggler Method Part 3

How does being a good conversationalist and an overall social person attract people to you? How does the Juggler Method work if there are no tricks or gimmicks? The fact is that if you are a confident social person people will see you as charismatic. However that may not make you good with women all by itself.

Here is one view seen through the eyes of the Equal Interaction Exchange Theory

A well balanced interaction is something that comes when you have all of the tools and are well practiced in implementing them. In our Seminars and Bootcamps, we teach you these skills and help you on the path to implementing them. Once you start going out on your own and really seeing with much more clarity how positive interactions unfold you will start to see this balance of energy exchange throughout your daily life.

There is a certain magic though that happens when the interaction starts escalating. Your rewarding and relating, kinoing, asking open ended questions and using the vacuum as needed, as well as showing your interest and amping things up with a sexual vibe. Things are "clicking", but what is causing that attraction to you?

There is a natural intrinsic value that a charismatic person displays. This is developed by being in control and leading the interaction. When the energy of an interaction is flowing back and forth equally between two people, it starts to gain intensity like a museum lightning show. The person who is leading that escalation and guiding the interaction is going gain a lot of intrinsic value. It is a rare thing these days to have connections with new people on the level that Charisma Arts teaches.

That escalation when the interaction is balanced is a euphoric, intoxicating feeling, and creates the sense that there are only the two of you and nothing else around you exists. You are eliciting the feelings that make her feel interesting, you are connecting on an emotional level, she senses you are intimately understanding her emotions and she understands yours. This connection is powerful. For you to be the person who can create that with any person you wish is a power few people know, and fewer still have even met someone like that.. It is that natural intrinsic value that is created when you understand charisma in the way that Charisma Arts can show you. Learning to lead, balance, and flow with the interaction and having the tools to do that will allow you to achieve the goals you always dreamed about.

So keep those interactions balanced and see just how exciting it can be to escalate your interactions to the next level.

Underutilizing the tools we have

2006-05-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

The tools set forth in the juggler method are very powerful. Each time i teach a seminar the more i realize just how underused these tools are used by most clients, myself included. I remember coming back from my seminar knowing how to relate, reward, SOI, disqualify, and kino. I would sparingly use an appropriate technique, and see attraction deepen. These techniques completely changed my interactions. However i still had a lot of problem interactions. I would still get blown out and not be able to keep people committed to the interaction.

Over time i got better but what really opened my eyes was starting to teach these seminars. I realized i was underutilizing these techniques. I should be relating and rewarding to EVERYTHING the person says. Little rewards for little commitments, big rewards for big commitments. Use emotional language everywhere and consistantly relate to what they are saying. As soon as i started doing all of these techniques with everything that i said, or at least a lot more often, the more effective my game became.

One example is disqualification. I saw Chad have some amazing results with women in a very short time. I asked him what he did and he just said " I just disqualified a lot". I got to thinking about that and realized i should do it a LOT more. I always felt like i should just disqualify if they put me on a pedestal with something. However the power of disqualification is in doing it with just about anything she says about you.

With HBBlondeEngineer I met after the vegas seminar i used this a lot. In fact i opened the set by disqualifying myself. She was talking to this guy and calling him a dirt bag for messaging
"I want you to cum".
I laughed as i overheard this and she pointed at me and said
"even he thinks it was dirtbag". I opened by disqualifying
"I agree completely, but honestly i'm a dirtbag too."
She instantly turned to me and started talking to me and forgot the guy was even there. We went on for a while, the whole time her putting up qualifications for me about my style or how much money i made and i just disqualified left and right. By the end of the night her best friend was literally pushing her to go home with me.

I used to only disqualify a little. Now like all the techniques i relish an opportunity to disqualify. I do it a lot along with reward and relate.

So if you are finding your game is stagnating a little at all, See just how many more opportunities there are to use all the techniques we have learned from Charisma Arts.

Las Vegas Workshop

2006-05-28T18:51:00.000-07:00

This is one crazy city. The women here are definitely gorgeous. I have always had a pretty high standard for pretty women but women here blew my mind.. Next weekend is LA so i'll let you know how that compares. The night game here is phenomenal. So much so no one is really out in the daytime except by the pool, and you can consider that the same as night game because their focus is external just like in night game.

The clients did great. Each made a lot of progress. But the cool part is at 2am the instructors got on the prowl.. I ended up meeting this sexy woman from LA. Who might i add was the fourth woman to grab my crotch that night. This girl was great. definitely taught me the power of disqualification. She threw up all these hoops for me to jump through like needing to be rich, well groomed, not a dirtbag, everything. I just agreed with her qualification and plopped myself right in the center of being the poor dirtbag.. She was all over me.. I especially charmed her friends, one of whom was married and just loved me. Pretty much at the end of the night her friend was trying to push her to go home with me. Hehehe... Regardless #closed and kiss closed her. Probably could have gone home with her but her friends were all going home early and logistics were a bit tricky. I'll prolly catch up with her in LA either sunday night when i have my 12 hour layover or next weekend when i do the LA workshop.

Don Juan Demarco

2006-05-24T16:49:00.000-07:00

So today i rented Don Juan Demarco. It was a pretty good movie. I was actually hoping to find out more about the real Don Juan but i was pleasantly surprised by some of the wisdom the movie had to offer.

One thing that really struck me was that Don Juan, played by Johnny Depp, really searched out what was uniquely beautiful about each woman he was with. That is what Charisma Arts is all about. Finding out what is inside a person that makes them unique isa true recipe for attraction. We all secretly wish someone would see everything we have to offer them, that is why I got into the game. But it is not showing them that which creates attraction, It is finding it out about another that creates the attraction.

Here is a great quote from the movie:

"When I say that all my woman are dazzling beauties, they object. The nose of this one is too large; the hips of another, they are too wide; perhaps the breasts of a third, they are too small. But I see these women for how they truly are... glorious, radiant, spectacular, and perfect... because I am not limited by my eyesight.

Women react to me in the way they do, Don Octavio, because they sense that I search out the beauty that lies within, until it overwhelms everything else. And then they cannot avoid their desire, to release that beauty and envelope me in it. - Don Juan DeMarco"

(Johnny Saviour, Johnny Depp, all good with women, and Don Juan the spanish name for John. Hmmmm. Maybe the real Don Juan is living in Ann Arbor teaching with charisma arts ;)

A Great Interaction

2006-05-24T00:27:00.000-07:00

When i got into the community all i really wanted was to know what i was doing with women and to be able to put all of my best attributes forward in the most attractive way possible. I never wanted another occurance of finding that woman i really wanted but couldn't make it happen.

Tonight it happened. I have been dating a lot and didn't settle for any of the girls who wanted me in an exclusive relationship. Well tonight i finally found someone up to my standards and expectations. I dated her once, HBCowboyBoots, and it has been a while since we went out due to her having gall bladder surgery.

We went out for a quick drink since she had class in the morning. She is a 27 yr old Psychology proffessor. Very sexy, and really smart. just like i like em..

It felt so great knowing i was doing everything right in the interaction.I finally met someone that mattered to me. I nailed it. I brought my A game. I found out all sorts of interesting things out about her and kept it all about our emotions. I disqualified well and she was so into it. She invited me to drop in and see her teach on tuesday.. My SOI went over well and we got into some good conversations about sex and relationships. I couldn't escalate too much due to obligations i had later in the evening.

Regardless of where this goes with her I just love that when it really mattered i pulled it out and knew i had her..

One interesting point. As an Instructor i don't lie when women i really like ask me what i do. Of course this adds a special dilemma. The topic of being a social dynamics instructor has interesting effects. Either you get stuck on the topic because it is such a juicy topic, or they get self conscious about their interaction with you.

So I disqualified as such:

"Even though i am an instructor i'll tell you some days i can't seem to be social at all and am a complete futtz when talking to the lady at the post office that i buy stamps from. Though it is interesting, I am always a bit hesitant to tell people what i do because they sometimes get nervous that i am analyzing their interaction with me or that i am using my techniques on them. I'm sure you feel that way sometimes when people find out you teach psychology, they think your psychoanalyzing them. It makes it hard sometimes even though you are just being yourself."

It was great because it diffused all that wierdness i've seen in other interactions and really connected us emotionally. It also set her worries at ease and put us on the same level.

So while that won't apply to those of you reading the blog, the idea is the same. Disqualify if you ever are in a situation where something might be intimidating to them or when they put you above them.. Be human, disqualify and be proud of your weaknesses.

"My Story Is Boring" Technique

2006-05-23T01:00:00.000-07:00

I posted this on the Charisma Arts Alumni board in the beginning of april. I dragged it out because it was a fun interaction. So here it is

April 7th
So I had a great set tonight. Too bad i didn't collect information soon enough and spent too long with a girl i couldn't close. Oh well.. Great little trick came out of it.

So I came off as a very interesting person and instead of disqualifying i helped her to see herself as an interesting person to build her up to where she saw me. After she gets my story i ask about hers and she says "oh, my story is boring". I said to her ok back up. Do you enjoy your life and your story? She said of course. I then told her:

"Ok so then let me teach you the secret to being interesting. Every good storyteller doesn't just tell you about what happened they relate the emotions and feelings about the story. I gave her an example, story one with just events then story two with emotions and feelings."

So she goes on to very passionately tell me about her life and at the end i reward her and SOI her with: Not only are you a very sexy woman but i love how expressive you are.

I am going to have to use this anytime a girl says her story is boring (which a lot do). It conveys such high value that you know the secret to telling a good story and relating on an emotional level to appeal to an audience. Then you teach her how to do it and she gives you a ton to connect with and SOI with.

A couple of the girls in the set with her later said to me how cool she thought i was. Hopefully she has more single friends

Anytime you can teach a girl something about social dynamics I find it is such a huge attraction switch. Just Monday i taught BlueEyes bodylanguage and what it all meant. It opened up great kino opprotuniites and she ended up in my bed that night.

Escalation

2006-05-14T11:25:00.000-07:00

Escalation is the natural progression of any interaction. How things escalate will ultamitely determine the outcome. Will you be escalating into a better friendship, or escalating her blouse over her head? The first interactions are so crucial. Even if she has a boyfriend or some other circumstance that doesn't allow you to sexually escalate you MUST still create a sexual vibe to keep yourself out of the friend zone. You must be the guy she is friends with but secretly wants to sleep with.

It all starts at the beginning with Kino. That sets up an intimate vibe. Then deliver the SOI. If she has a boyfriend or some other block to you guys hooking up use it as a sexual barrier. If all is ahead go when the moment is right tell her she is very sexy and to close her eyes. Then kiss her. It really is that easy. If she doesn't want to close her eyes then don't kiss her. But she will know whats coming.

Do not wait to escalate! that should be your mantra. Drive the interaction, don't be a passenger!

The Nature of Attraction

2006-05-11T15:31:00.000-07:00

What is it that most attracts us to another person? Putting the obvious aesthetics aside what about another person's personality makes them attractive?

My belief is it is our emotions and our humanity. When a woman feels the same way about something as you do it is attractive. In fact the more we see of ourselves in someone the more we are attracted to them. How narcissistic ;) But it is true. For guys, a woman with a simmilar interest is attractive to us because we can intellectually associate the positive emotions we have about something to her. We can know how she is feeling about those things because we have felt that way. People we can connect to and understand their emotions, we are attracted to. It works in reverse too!

In movies and books we have to empathize with the characters or we won't like them. In fact the more the director and actors work on showing how human they are, and show the emotions they must be experiencing, the more we like them.

Connecting to another person's emotions is the surest way to build attraction. Most guys try to show as little emotion as possible and "be cool". The opposite should be true. Now I am not saying to demonstrate negative emotions. The wimpy sensitive guy is showing insecurity, sadness, self deprication, loneliness, and being needy. However the charismatic guy shows his confidence when he shows how excited, happy, passionate, and expressive he is. This allows women around him to see his emotions and connect to him, which builds attraction.

We all have very simmilar emotions when it all comes down to it. Yet we have VASTLY different experiences. So you can go through life looking for people with simmilar experiences to connect with or you can connect with the emotions that we all have that are simmilar.

The human condition is one of the most compelling attractive topics in all art forms. Disqualification is a technique that shows we are confident about our weaknesses. Weaknesses are what make us human. Hence when we disqualify it builds attraction because it shows just how human we are, as well as how confident we are.

Why is confidence so attractive us? Because when we see confident people we relate and connect to those people having positive emotions about themselves. They remind us of the positive emotions we have about ourselves and we respond. Optimisim and confidence is addictive to be around.

The power of the methods Charisma Arts teaches is in your ability to confidently display your humanity and emotion to people you meet. Relating to the emotions of others and allowing them to see you have simmilar emotions, is how attraction is built. Relating and Rewarding is a technique where we show how we feel about things. The more we show our emotions, and just how human we are, the more attraction will be built.

So throw away the "Be Cool" mindset and be expressive and show each person how you feel about ANYTHING you are talking about. The essential nature of attraction is in the empathetic bond you create in every interaction.

My SuitCoat Design

2006-05-10T00:29:00.000-07:00

So I started designing this coat after my seminar. It has taken 4 months to complete. It started with an idea that Jonathan talked about to put artwork on jeans.

I found a suitcoat at the thrift store and took it to a tailor. I had them put in purple behind the collar and some in the lining. Then i commissioned the artwork based on my designs. Here it is. The pics don't do it justice but it is pretty kicking. When i was in San Francisco and Ann Arbor these two weekends i couldn't go 10 feet without someone opening me to ask me about it..

The newest instructor on board

2006-05-09T23:33:00.000-07:00

Well it has happened. I never thought it would.. A side comment about a wish i had, and an Chad's good reccomendation and i'm in. I didn't want to say anything till it was final. I just spent the last two weekends as a probational instructor with Charisma Arts. Yesterday i got the final word, i'm in.. It actually happened, I am a Charisma Arts instructor.. What an amazing two weeks it has been. Not only have i found my passion but my game has improved so much.

Thanks for everyone who believed in me and helped me along the way..

From here out this blog will be half instructional and half my personal experiences. I'll share my thoughts on the Juggler Method and my own ideas about the Game. I'll also keep you updated as my progress occurs and give you my stories as they happen.

Thanks for reading! And please leave comments and blog topic requests..

The Direct Opener

2006-05-09T12:20:00.000-07:00

So many guys think you have to have some fancy way to go up to a girl to talk to her. It really isn't true, that stuff is mainly just to ease their insecurity. The important thing really is how to respond to her response. If you open poorly it makes this harder. If you open well it's hardly an afterthought.

The most important thing when thinking about opening is whether the person is in an internal or external mental state. Rather are they focused on thoughts and internal dialogue or are they externally focused on social interaction. Generally in the daytime people are internally focused and at night they are externally focused due to the venue and situation.

For Nighttime opening they are already externally focused so about the only opener I ever use is: "Hi my name is SHH". Then i ask a question and relate to the answer and go from there.

Presumptions, Focus openers, and "The Flopsy" are all effective in night game but aren't really needed since "Hi" works so well and is less work.

In the day time people are lost in their own heads. If you just go up to someone and say hi and introduce yourself it is a bit shocking and slightly intrusive into their state of mind. Not that you can't make it work, just again you have to be able to handle their responses better. This is where the three aforementioned openers work much better.

Focus Openers:
A focus opener is basically trying to see what a person is focused on and create an opener that merges closely with their thoughts. For example if they are standing in front of the window of a cooking store staring at all the blenders and knives etc. You could say "Damn, wouldn't it be nice to have all that stuff in your kitchen. Imagine the food you could create." She is possibly thinking about wanting a blender or something in the window so you merge with her thoughts.

Presumptions:
These can be mixed with any opener and should be. The important part is to make an assumption about her and presume your right. This creates a sense of familiarity with her very quickly because you are implying you know her well enough to ask something right to the point. e.g. You see her grab a very basic book in the spanish section and she has 3 others under her arm. "So how long have you taught spanish?" The cool part about presumptions is it dosen't matter if you are right or wrong. It shows you are confident and then usually leads to a good response if she has to explain why you are not correct.

The Flopsy:
The flopsy is just a type of focus opener. It can be as simple as when a girl reaches for a movie on the shelf you say "No thats a horrible movie, this one is much better." Or like in Juggler's Book, everyone is walking by this rabbit named flopsy, you ask the girl, "So what kind of dog do you think that was?" The flopsy is trying to merge with their thoughts and integrate your opener with what you think she is thinking.

One more tip on daytime opening. Make sure she is aware of your presence before opening. Whether you have to take a book out in front of her or walk in from a more frontal direction, make sure she knows you are there. coming up from behind or saying something to someone that dosent' know your there can be very shocking.

Connect - Relate - Reward

2006-05-02T11:40:00.000-07:00

These are the three keys to success with social interaction. I got a chance to go hang out with the guys at Charisma Arts workshop in San Francisco this weekend and over and over this was what made or broke the interaction.

So many guys get into question trains and don't listen and relate to what a girl is saying. The key, is after you open, to relate to the very first thing she gives you. If she gives you a weak answer relate to it but do it in a way as if you were answering a question the way you want it answered. You are modeling how you want her response to be. Then ask another question. Don't link more than 2 questions together back to back without relating to what she says. And do it with EMOTION.

Example:

Me: Hi I'm SHH
Her: Hi I'm HBSomeGirl
Me: Hey it's really cool to meet you. How do all you guys know eachother?
Her: These are my friends from work.
Me: I think it is so cool you guys all go out outside of work. I always find when i see people i work with going out, there is a different connection that gets introduced and i learn about them in a whole new way. It is really fun to see that uptite secretary getting down on the dance floor with one too many margaritas in her.
Her: Definetly, see that guy over there, Mark, he has had six beers tonite and is just tearing it up on the dance floor, i've barely seen him smile outside his cubicle for 5 minutes.
Me: Haha. Thats great. So what kind of person are you like at work?
Her: Oh, i'm the social butterfly. I am always going around trying to get people to talk to eachother. I really like to see new people make friends.
Me: That is really cool, there are so few people these days who do that, I bet everyone in the office loves you, how many secret crushes do all the guys at work have on you?
Her: oh I don't know. I just like people. But there is this one nerdy guy in the office i can tell likes me though. It is so sweet but he is so dorky he always trips over his words when he is around me. It really kind of cute, so i always try to be really nice to him to make him feel comfortable.
Me: Wow, not only are you sexy but you are a really genuinely kind person. I like that. [btw this is a Statment of Intent used as a reward]

Notice in the interaction I always related to the last thing she said or rewarded her for the emotional commitment and content in what she last said. The Subject always was the emotions Her and I had, yet the topic was just boring stuff about the people at her work. It is that emotional connection you create with her that creates attraction.

So next time you find yourself in a question train, stop, and relate to the last thing she said. If she said, I don't know, and you vacuum longer and she doesn't give you anything (really put the vacuum on) relate to that if you have to.

"Sometimes i know what you mean, i just can't decide what my favorite food is i love so many differnt types, when people ask me i really just can't pick just one. So what is one of your favorite types of food". See how i related even to something like a response of I don't know. I related to that and then rephrased the same question. I gave her some emotion as well and answered my own question tying it to her response, I modeled what i wanted from our interaction. The next answer she gives me is damn well going to be more committed and deeper than "I don't know".

For you guys who are finding that stall out the first minute or two of an interaction use these concepts. Connect to the emotion she is giving you, relate to it, and when she finally gives you an answer that shows she is committing to the interaction reward her for it.

The Talk: Solution

2006-04-16T16:50:00.000-07:00

I finally came to a good conclusion. I am uncomfortable not being clear with the women i date. I don't want it to come up like i was decieving them. Even if this is my headtrip i need to get over, that is where i am at. It was my frame that was the issue. So here is the statement that i had good results with:

"Right now i'm really not into committed relationships. I really enjoy dating different people and really finding out who they are. I have been having so much fun with you getting to know you. you are a really wonderful person."

She didn't even comment on the different people part and i even asked several of my female friends for Womanese translation of that and they were all supportive that i was being clear..

So that is my solution. I am happy because i am being clear and it is framed in a way that has the most chance of success for being interpreted correctly and favorably.

Just bring up relationship talk and then that statment can be inserted where appropriately..

There really is a lot to the idea of laying down a few statments like this or about anything when you first meet a girl. If you hate drama then have that conversation on the first date or two and frame it so she qualifies herself as not dramatic. Even lead her through some what if scenario's. Then if you get in a LTR or MLTR with her and she does that stuff you can cut her off and refer to this converstation.

What a great way to enter a conscious relationship. Just knock out all the repeating issue's you have had before right up front. Make her accept your values and views on how the relationship should be.

CellPhoneGirl in my Bed

2006-04-05T11:48:00.000-07:00

So my date with CellPhoneGirl went great.. Good conversation, good kino. Although my SOI's were pretty lame. Escalation also was way too slow.. Regardless i got her back to my place into my room and into my bed. A grea makeout and fool around session. I could have full closed but i haven't had the talk with her yet that i'm seeing other people. That is really important to me before i sleep with a girl.

So she stayed the night.. Thats two nights, two women in my bed. Now if i could only get to the point where there is two women in my bed for two nights ;)

I'm really starting to realize it is really that first interaction you have that is so important. You emotionally connect enough then kino with any kind of SOI, your golden. You can screw up a lot in the process as long as you keep the interaction balanced (see Equal Interaction Exchange post). It will naturally lead to where you want it to go.

My goal is to learn to escalate sooner though.. I really have a lot of AFC thoughts in my head about escalation. I never have a problem getting the close in the long run, but i really should be able to close sooner. I guess i should work on my "dating other people talk". That is what stops me most of the time..

Equal Interaction Exchange

2006-04-04T18:20:00.000-07:00

Here is an article i wrote. It is copyrighted, please contact me if you want to re-post it.

Everything in this universe is based on equal and opposite reactions. It is a law of physics. When there is not an equal exchange of energy then there is an imbalance. In social situations the same law exists. For every exchange of energy there must be an equal and opposite exchange or there will lead to an imbalance and affect the interaction negatively.

Our lives work well when the energy exchange is in balance. If I go to work and I get paid there is an appropriate exchange. If I help you once and you help me back sometime there is an equal exchange. Even charity is an exchange; by giving I get a good feeling about myself. Socially I call this energy Interaction Currency.

In a social situation there must be a relatively equal exchange of interaction currency. If I go on and on about some topic and don’t listen to you then I am giving energy and not waiting for it to come back. This imbalance leads the other person to not value what energy you are giving because they haven’t had to exchange equally. We never value things highly that we get for free. Vice versa if someone tells you a story and you just move on, don’t relate to that story, or change the subject, that person feels you didn’t value his or her interaction currency. Over or undervaluing either yours, or someone else’s interaction currency leads to a breakdown of the social interaction.

There are at least three types of interaction currency. Emotional, Intellectual, & Touch, too much of one leads to devaluation of your currency, not enough leads to an overvaluing of your currency. Intellectual currency is the logical part of interactions. It is what you know such as facts, how to do something, etc. Touch, is a very powerful currency that should be used appropriately, such as a hug, pat on the back, a touch on the arm, etc. If your goal is a romantic interaction appropriate touch is a must to convey intentions. Emotional interaction currency is the most valuable of these and is the most important to understand for the purposes of increasing your charisma. Emotional connection is paramount to develop in your social interactions. As in all currencies, one can be converted to another. Someone tells you a great story and they get a high five. An emotional story is rewarded with appropriate touch currency, someone tells you how to do something and is rewarded with a compliment, emotional currency.

As long as the interaction currency is exchanged appropriately equal, the interaction will escalate and enter into deeper rapport building. However, if at any time the interaction currency is exchanged unequally it will hinder the natural escalation of the interaction. Bragging, not listening, inappropriate touch, over enthusiasm, etc is all examples of unequal interaction exchange. A common occurrence of this is when a guy meets a girl for the first time and starts buying her drinks, showering with compliments. This usually doesn’t work and causes the woman to want to end the interaction. If it does work usually the woman has low self-esteem and the compliments build her up and she appreciates that, or she is looking for material currency such as free drinks, gifts, etc. The reason this is an imbalanced situation is this woman has done nothing to deserve the interaction currency except being pretty. If someone came up to you of the same sex, that you didn’t know, started buying you drinks and giving you compliments, it would make you uncomfortable. If you are a man and a woman starts doing this to you then beware of ulterior motives, likely they are conning you. Being attractive is not interaction currency.

If you are appropriately exchanging interaction currency you will build Intrinsic Value. With the right amount of emotional currency to make you charismatic, intellectual currency to demonstrate intelligence, and touch currency to create appropriate intimacy, the interaction will start to escalate. This escalation will leave both parties with the feeling the other has intrinsic value. If you demonstrate proper exchange of interaction currency you build intrinsic value. The other person has seen you connect intellectually, emotionally, and kinesthetically (touch), they will begin to see you have much more of where that came from and see you are a high value person. A high value person is what we are striving to be, and to do that we have to appropriately demonstrate a wealth of interaction currency displayed correctly as intrinsic value.

In any interaction you need the proper recipe for intrinsic value. For business three parts intellectual currency, two parts emotional currency, and a dash of touch currency (such as a strong handshake or a touch on the upper arm). In sales you need more emotional currency but display specific intellectual currency with much less touch currency. In romantic relationships there needs to be much more touch currency, lots of emotional currency, and appropriate intellectual currency matched to the person you are interacting with.

As with any economic system the market will balance the fair price of currency and the value of that currency. It takes time to learn to be calibrated enough to know when what type of currency is appropriate. Luckily it actually becomes very easy in reality.

This theory is a model to judge your own interaction exchange by. To see where you might be over paying, or over selling causing your intrinsic value to be lessened. If we start to view our interactions as exchange of energy then it becomes easy to see where our interactions break down. I have seen countless times where people I am talking to want to know about me because I am charismatic. However, if I fall into the trap of talking about myself too much without eliciting them to tell me about themselves, they will at some point lose interest in talking to me, especially if they are not relating to my stories on emotional level. Another example is a bit of dating advice that is misunderstood. “Get the woman to talk about herself and she’ll love you”. This is only half the story. If you just ask questions to get her talking about herself it will feel more like an interview to her. However if you get her talking about herself and emotionally connect with her relating to her stories then she will find you interesting.

The real art now is to learn how to keep the exchange balanced and continue to escalate the interaction correctly. However as you practice these it will become second nature. This model will allow you to see the imbalances and either use those to your advantage or correct them to make a balanced interaction. This will leave room to escalate the interaction. As you keep things balanced you will be exchanging more and more valuable interaction currency, this is natural escalation. This is the goal of your interactions till you have gained the amount of value needed at that time from the interaction.

Blue Eyes in my bed

2006-04-04T18:02:00.000-07:00

I got off work a touch early. Had a beer with a friend. He ran into a really cool girl that i ran just a touch of game on and she really connected well with me. I call up BlueEyes and met up with her at the bar she works at since her shift was done. We had some great conversation then i got her back at my place. Pretty much a 2 hour make out session and fooling around in my bed.

Major LMR and she threw the dating other people thing back in my face. But it didn't phase me. We had fun and then she had to go home to be up in the morning early. I am still hesitant to sleep with her since i know it will be rough on her if i don't get in a relationship with her. But the interesting thing was she didn't feel guilty about fooling around even though i am seeing other people. So maybe its just in my head..

It was interesting none the less and she is fun to hang out with. I actually didn't think i would be able to get physical with her at all after her freak out when i told her i was seeing other people.

It was a good day yesterday.. Morning date with Cellphonegirl and got BlueEyes in my bed. Tonite i am going out with CellPhoneGirl again..

The Good and the Bad

2006-04-03T18:14:00.000-07:00

So thursday night i was in a funk. I had some big news in my head about an upcoming job oprotunity and i was off my game. I think i forgot in every set the most important point of a new interaction, the Vacuum. It is amazing how if you don't get some solid commitment within the first 90 sec of an interaction it is not going to go well. Not that any of my sets went badly, just none of them stuck... At least i know why..

So lets try that one again. Saturday i got off early and my sets went great. No one i wanted to #close but it was good.

On friday, a girl who i had met briefly and ran a small amount of connection game on, actually called me up and asked me out. We went out this morning for a hike. Back to my usual game. Great Vacuum, incredible connect, kino, etc.. A little weak on the SOI but oh well.. You definetly know your doing a great job when someone says "Wow this is the best conversation i have had in ages." That sticks in their minds pretty strongly.. So I dub her CellPhoneGirl (since i met her when i was buying my cell phone) the fourth girl i have in rotation to date. I like her and HBCowboyboots the best so far so I think i'll focus my energy on these two the most.

This stuff WORKS!!!

2006-03-24T10:50:00.000-08:00

So here is a pretty cool re-affirmation that this stuff works!!

Frogboiler and I went out sarging lastnight. It took us a little bit to get over our approach anxiety. A couple throw away sets and we were good. We went into my favorite bar and a friend of mine is hanging out. I go over and we small talk a bit and the subject that it is ladies night tonight comes up. I make a joke realizing i see his girlfriend over there that i was about to go hit on her. They actually encourage me so i go over thinking i'd just make a joke out of it and she challenges me for my best pick up.

I start with "Hi my name is [Warm Vibe] SHH" I ask her a stupid question to get things rolling like i usually do, "So what do you do?." She responds "a little of this, a little of that" I bust on her hard for the lame answer and she says she is a pilates teacher. She says "I teach people how to get in shape and firm up". I reward and connect. "That must be really amazing to bring people to a state of health and really improve their lives." She melts immediately and kino's me on the arm. "No seriously it is, i love it! Wow, you actually are good."

I love life... What better testimonial to Juggler Method then that! When you can open someone daring you for your best pickup line, and you melt them..

Myspace Game

2006-03-24T10:33:00.000-08:00

I think i figured out how to make a successful myspace profile. First, start a blog. Be honest, blog often. Second get a good 1st pic. Go get it rated on Hot or Not if you don't know what is good. Then for the rest of your pics treat it like mystery's photo game. Show crazy pics of you doing fun stuff that is adventurous. I have myself on a mountain, done up in bodypaint for a music show, etc.. Then keep some guys in your top 8..

This month i've had two women open me from myspace. CompetitiveBlonde and HBCowboyBoots. Both have worked out well in Day 2 and beyond.

So here is the story of HBCowboyBoots; She emails me opening me with some boring thing and says she would like to ask me 5 questions. I wrote her back with this:

"The unknown man" I like the sound of that.. So 5 questions eh? thats a lot to ask! But it sounds like fun ;) Only if you go first and after you ask one i get to ask one and vice versa.. Hope your first question is a good one!

Oh and one restriction, no asking me about what i do or what i know.. Booooring... If you have 5 questions about [boring topic she opened me with] then that will just have to wait till you ask five other questions.

I'm looking forward to the first question.

SocialHitchHiker

The first was a pretty lame question about what senses would i give up if i was in a tragic accident. I disqualified my choices of Keeping Sight and Hearing since that is what everyone chooses. Then i pulled out that Touch is the MOST important sense since it is the most effective in connecting with other people. I went on about it and made it a very sensual thing that touched an emotional level. Boom, she was hooked.

Then i asked her a question like "What is the most dysfunctional moment of your life and how did it effect you and people around you" I dared her to be honest and had fun with the inner conflict she was going to have telling the truth to some stranger or making up a safe answer. Although it was a negative topic there is a strong attraction switch about creating comfort after someone tells you something they are a bit embarressed about. It worked great. I rewarded her on her next question by laying a big part of me on the line and keeping it on the same emotional level as she had used.

After I answered my 3rd question I made a coffee date with her. We met just yesterday and i emailed her my last 3 questions and had her email her last two and we continued the game in person. It was a great way to connect on a deep rapport level really quickly. I emotionally connected well. SOI'd lightly and she definetly wants to see me again.

So she is out of commission with a GallBladder Surgery this next week, so i'll let you know how it goes with her after that. She is a very intelligent confidant woman. Just the type i really want to meet. It should be fun.. Plus it is always an ego boost when it was my profile she chose over 150 other men on myspace..